Entries this day: pastLife

pastLife

7:17 pm Monday 30 October 2000

Wow.

This may get graphic violent.

I vented at my I-Group about my pissed off anger at one guy at work who writes stupid ass code and it all came down to me recognizing that he won't accept my help when I offer.

In I-group a man asked when was the first time I had this feeling of someone not accepting my offer for help.

I rolled back memories in my mind, back back. faces houses events rolling through my memories. Work? no. Telecheck? no. my brother? no. My mo? no. My dad? no.

3 years old? no. hmm
2 years old? pre school age? before memory age?
no no no

Suddenly a jeep or cart and a big gun and military war scene around me. My best friend behind the gun loading it incorrectly. "You're doing it wrong," I said. "wait. wait let me help." and fucking BLAAAAaaaaaaaammmmm!!

it fucking discharged backwards and ripped through his body he was fucking in two pieces on the ground his fucking legs and his body split apart at the gut and he was still fucking alive but we fucking couldn't help him. I couldn't help him any more and we had to fucking kill him put him out of his misery godaamfuckin shit he wouldn't accept my help and he's dead.

In I-Group, huge sobbing tears and sadness gasping for breath as I'm reliving this scene. He was dead in my mind and I was gasping stomach clenched tightly trying to breathe in gasps and zillions of tingling tingles all over my body of the feeling that I'm onto something big and amazing real life stuff.

wow. that was the biggest stretch and work I've done in I-group. I explaiined to them that I have never been in the military this lifetime. and I don't know how they would react or how they believe or what. but I saw it. I believe. I feel better.

So I needed to hear that it wasn't my fault. I can't control other peoples' acceptance of my help. I offer help and they can accept or not. Each individual is on his or her own path. I can only offer help. I cannot force people to accept my help.

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