A speech on the findings of Silent Football and its culture

* Clears throat * stands on a soapbox and peers through the cracks in the wooded podium. Gets down and adds two or three more soapboxes. * Smiles * Good work done...now can see the crowd of eager faces.

"Ladies and gentlemen and veterans of archeology I have come upon a new civilization. This civilization is called Young Religious Unitarian Universalists. They speak a language that I am confused with and have yet to master. They seem to have a sort of religious ceremony called Silent Football. For there is a science to this so called "ritual" it has a science attached to it. There is one person whom is called "Mister Dicktator" his name is formulized in three parts. He must be the chief...the head of the clan. His name is sacred. It compiles of three parts, one part meaning a male address such as sir, mister, master, prince, king, or pope. Then the second part which is of meaning for a male genitalia such as dick, penis, shaft, one-eyed trouser snake, cock and so on. The third part is qute amusing I have found. The third part of his name is any meaning for a potato! When addressing Mister Dicktator you may make up a new variation meaning his name or you may use the name he has. But you must always address him first and direct your comments to him. Are there any questions so far?"

* Looks around the room at the ogling eyes and smiles *

"Good then we shall move on. There are several basic movements that are used in this ritual which move an invisible substance called the "sacred football", You may not move this "sacred football" more than three people to your left or right. Mister Dictator the leader is the one that starts this movement with a certain motion called a "PHWAP". This "PHWAP" is a very curious movement to me. With my own eyes did I witness the magic of this movement!"

* audience gasps *

* taps a hammer on the podium *

"Please people, please try to keep your focus. This is no matter to be discussed. It is a simple magic that moves the "Sacred Football". The science of it is this: the formula to a "PHWAP" is to simply slapping one's own knee and that automatically moves the sacred football to the left or to the right."

* more gasps *

"Please ladies and gentlemen keep your focus. I tell of truth. I have seen with my own eyes this sacred ritual. This ritual can last from one minute to 5-6 hours. This is nothing that is to be taken lightly. It is some kind of worshipping process that these children and adults go through. As and archeologist and anthropologist I take into consideration these things. This culture is quite fascinating. There are certain defensive moves too of course for protection against this "Sacred Football" and it power."

* a man in the crowd stands up and shouts out "What kind of powers does this "sacred Football" hold? Is it a danger to all who come across it?" the man then sits back down as the crowd mumbles and whispers amongst one another. *

"To my research the only danger to this "Sacred Football" is to the person who loses it. That is when the members of the circle raise their hands and are addressed by Mister Dicktator and they act in council to what the mistake was made and the member who made the error is then given a half penance point or is told to stand up in the middle of the circle and dance while the others sing a sort of purification song to rid the member of all ill karma. The "Sacred Football" holds only the power to move without being seen.

There is another way to move the "Sacred Football" to another member that is not three spaces to your left or right. It is called a Zoom. It is a highly popular and less painful way of sending the "Sacred Football". The science to the zoom is simply by raising ones arm in a fashion that looks to be as if you are going to punch someone and you make a fist. You then point your arm to the person that wish to receive the gift of the "Sacred Football" or to the member that the "Sacred Football" told you to send it too. In this culture the gift can be denied by these defensive moves. If the member feels that they are not ready to yet handle the power of the "Sacred Football". They may use a shrug, which the formula to that is simply by raising your two shoulders and then setting them back down. Or you can use a shrodum, which is a more complicated motion. It entails more intricate motions as follows: you must move your right arm to your front and then make your fingertips touch your forehead. Then in a ballet type way you swoop your left arm to the front and make your fingers touch the elbow of the right arm. This then is a shrodum.

There are rules that go with these defensive moves, you may never shrug a shrodum or shrodum a shrug. That will cause you a penance point and the destruction of the "Sacred Football". Mister Dicktator then weeps for the loss, and calls on one of the members to speak. To move back a little ways to the zoom. There is a rule that goes with that as well and it is: you may never zoom a zoom, zoom. Just as you may never phwap a phwap, phwap or shrug a shrug, shrug, or shrodum a shrodum, shrodum. Never do anything over the power of three. It will cause you to destroy the "sacred football" and cause you to have a penance point and cause (in a raised voice) you to make Mister Dicktator cry!"

* the crowd claps. A woman stands up. "is there anything more to this so called ritual? What is the purpose of it?" *

"Madam, the purpose is simple. It is to build the community stronger. When a new person comes into the circle Mister Dictator explains the rules of dealing with the sacred powers of the "Sacred Football". And yes there is more to this ritual than I have said. Mister Dictator can at anytime form a "Wormhole" between two to eight people. It depends on how many people are playing. There can be two way wormholes that when a member passes the "Sacred Football" to lets say Mister Dicktator whom has a two way wormhole to Miss I'm not thinking. The "Sacred Football" is then zapped to Miss I'm not thinking. The point of these wormholes are to bring two members or more together in spiritual harmony where they share the power of the "sacred football"."

* "Wow" is heard from the crowd. *

"The language is especially tricky. They use no pro-nouns for that causes the "Sacred Football" to be upset. Then the member from the circle that uttered the heinous pro-noun is then convicted of a penance point. The ritual carries on. Saying a pro-noun will not cause the "Sacred Football" to destroy...it will only anger it. There are rules on the penance points too. If a member has more than five penance points the "Sacred Football" becomes angry at that soul and disappears causing the ritual to be over. The circle then sends the sorry member off on a task while they discuss freely their opinions on what their ultimate punishment should be. Their names too are of interest. Each member of the circle makes up a name before the ritual starts. One person takes notes down on a sacred scroll of all the events that go on. Mister Dicktator then remembers all the names and starts the ritual. Each name has a meaning, a sacred meaning to the owner of the name.

And that ladies and gentlemen concludes my topic today on the findings of YRUU and their sacred happenings. Silent Football, remember that. It teaches a great lesson on how to respect others and to respect rules and to follow them. Silent Football teaches that you must handle power in a careful way knowing that there are repercussions to everything that you might do or say."

* Steps down from soapboxes and bows as the audience gives a standing ovation. *

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Today

3:23pm CDT Friday 6 September 2002

Got Scott's oil changed and they asked how long it's been since he's had his radiator flushed and transmission fluid flushed. They suggest 30,000 and 15,000 miles respectively.

Looking back through Scott's records, I found his radiator flushing 25,000 miles ago. Did not find a single transmission flush, but I shall look again. I've driven Scott 48,000 miles since I got him in January

8:33pm

At Humperdink's now with Marta, Jenae, Cris, about to munch and such. I got my computer out to record any funniness that happens.

We were just at Jenae's brother Jeff's art opening. Good stuff that looks very um, fractalish in a way, but with a consistent pattern on all the pieces.

I picked up a rubberband from the top of a light, by hanging out over a ledge, stood on the other side of the ledge and held a big eyehook bolt thing to let myself lean well over the edge to grab this rubberband off the top of a round hanging light. Signed it with "ROB was here 6 September 2002 www.robnugen.com" Good stuff.

Now we're (ROB, Marta, Jenae and Cris) at Humperdink's for dinner. I (Marta) wanted a healthy, vegetarian choice. Doctor's order, "No fried foods..." leaves me very limited here. I noticed a Ceasar salad on the menu, but was hesitant to order out of fear that the traditional anchovies would be included in the sauce. When I shared this with the others, they were shocked having never heard of this ingrediant being included. Cris was also planning on the Ceasar, but not if anchovies were in it. I explained that the nicer places use them. Jenae was quite disturbed as a lover of Ceasar salads, "But I don't like anchovies!!" Rob and I had the same response, in unison, "But you've been eating them all along and never noticed!!" She was not ready to drop the subject as the rest of us moved on. Slappimg the table, she begged, "Wait! Wait! Explain this anchovy thing to me!!!" Together, ROB, Cris and I (with perfect timing) teased "Well, they're these little fishies..." Course, when I asked the waiter (in the interest of all three girls), ROB had to make a 'crazy' gesture towards me, giving the guy one of those "Sorry, she forgot her medication..." looks! Thanks, Gem... Don't forget, I know where you sleep! Grrrr!!! Tee hee hee!!! ;-)

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