Entries this day: Al Lost

Al

12:31pm HST Sunday 16 February 2003

Got an astrological reading from Al, which was like Terminator II: not as amazing as I had expected when I heard about it before experiencing it.

He did speak rightly about some things, but some other things were like ehhh maybe. and easily 1/2 of it was so much like "your jupiter is in Virgo and tarus is your moon and power and blah blah" astrological words and crap that meant nothing to me.

But I kept the piece of paper that he drew it all on (my chart and shit)

He does have some interesting/good things to say. That natural laws are not written down but they are those that persevere without intervention.

Lost

3:14pm HST Sunday 16 February 2003

Fuck. I don't know why I feel so lost. After we left Al's, which part of me wishes I had before everything was finished, but he was saying some shit like, "if every inch of your life has led you to this point where you are at this moment, then there must be some reason for being here." which of course applies to every moment.

So I started looking at the books in his library and settled down with a comic version of Lao Zi's _The Art of War_ when Pete came back and bang it was time to go.

So on the way back, I was like, "let's turn right and get lost" and they were like okay and Reenie decided not to pretty quickly and I felt sad that Janette was going to turn back too. But she didn't, so Janette and I walked more and then she said her hip was hurting so she needed to turn back cause I was all, "I'm going to the mountain" which was a joke since the mountain is a pretty fucking long distance away, but truth is I didn't know how far I was going to go. Janette was all "ha well I better turn back" and she did. Fair enough. So I plodded on, thinking I ought not turn back too cause shit I'd just be following her, but what the fuck am I doing way out here in the middle of fucking not no where but less than nowhere cause it's just a bunch of houses without end and a damn mountain that I'll never reach and nothing to see so I just kept walking, trusting there was some reason, some something for me to experience in this moment, the final culmination of all my life to this point.

So I kept walking and found that I could walk 120 steps with my eyes closed, just straight along the sidewalk and adjusting when my feet touched the grass. Usually I only got to like 30 or 50 or 70 steps before I opened my eyes, but then I went like 70 and only peeked then 50 more and looked up and saw a horse on a rope standing near the sidewalk, which was about to turn (the sidewalk, not the horse); I wonder how the turn would have felt to my feet; would I have trusted them and made the turn without looking?

I talked to the horse without words, just stood there, sharing the moment with him/her. Horse didn't want to eat any grass; s/he just looked sad, with a little callous on the face from the bridal, and I considered releasing the horse, but didn't think I'd feel settled about that, mucking with horse and owner karma and such. So I blessed the horse and continued on for some more steps, around the turn and saw that the road didn't seem to plan to head toward the mountain anymore so I got to an intersection, memorized the names of the streets (and have forgotten them; silly Hawaiian names) and chose that point to head back.

I counted my steps on the way back. I let my brain just count up to 100 at a time and then my fingers kept track in binary of the number of hundreds. I got back to Al's road at about 100000 (binary) * 100 (decimal) steps. Soon thereafter my left knee began to hurt. 1001000 (binary) * 100 (decimal) total steps to the hostel.

I almost got lost on the way back, misrecognized an intersection where we cut across a road as the one where we did not cut across the road, but before I errored, I correctly recognized a set of trees beside which we had walked.

My knee was still hurting some, but I walked on grass as much as possible. Going down the crusty rocky pebbly hill was pretty tough on my tenderized feet.

Got home to the hostel and remembered that Janette and I had switched from our bunk to a room and I didn't know where the room was so I couldn't just flop down and sleep or cry or whatever, and I couldn't find a note left by Janette and no one was here except new faces that I coudln't see and it just felt crappy.

I sat by Reen's bed and found the note Janette had left. They went to a beach I assume Reen, but Zach and Janette at least. So I fucking missed the beach trip in order to wear out my knee and see a horse that wouldn't take my offer of grass and to see a mountain remain unreachable in the distance, and to be lost in my own hostel.

What a poopy way to miss a beach adventure.

So now. Oh and I couldn't find bread to eat and I just feel like a big whiney pissy baby, helpless without my glasses and I'm pretty pissed about feeling helpless and I just want to fucking avoid it all by going to sleeeeep.

Or by eating a big giant chocolate bar and washing it down with orange juice, but I just now already drank our orange juice and ate some chocolate that I found in Reen's tub. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this stupidness.

Kevin (I think) was chillin' on the hammock outside our room (I learned from a woman named Rita where it is) and Kimberly and he were singing songs of various genres and our room doors are the path from the house to the hammock so the natural route is through our room to the hammock. Now everyone is gone from the hammock area so I am going to close off the passage and make 'em use the back porch ramp.

Once I had arrived in the room, they asked before walking through, but shit I wasn't going to say oh no now you can't walk through and have to walk around the entire house to get off the porch.

I don't really know what would make me feel better, how I'll feel reconnected with my higher self, with god. I thought a long ass walk on my own would do it, get away from everyone and I just find myself wanting to be with them. I think about going to the store to get food and I feel too blind to do that. Or going to do internet to upload all these entries and I feel too blind to do that. It's just fucking pissy stupid that I should feel so lost without my full vision. I think that's what the shit comes down to; I can't see as well as I'm used to and I feel anger/sadness about that. Sigh.

Kevin (I think) told me there's an optometrist down the road. If I don't go down there to at least *try* and get something fixed, then I have to stop pissing and moaning about it. Fuck.

But I'm ... I'm allowing.. I'm given the opportunity to overcome this challenge right now.

4:17pm HST Sunday 16 February 2003

Called an optometrist who's vaguely close, but who is not within walking distance exactly, and who is not exactly open on Sundays, but who had an after hours number and I reached his wife Sharon who tried to be helpful, but I still need to get a ride over there. Kevin, James, Jessica, Karan all don't have cars; sigh.

I'm not really comfortable with hitchhiking if I can't see the person into whose car I'd be stepping.

But the good (great? dare I be so close to being happy?) news is that there's a SUSHI DINNER tonight for $10 all one can eat sushi, which is not exactly a bargain and 1/2, but maybe a great time with a bunch of people and help the Jessica economy a bit.

I had another chocolate bar; I'm going across the street to get OJ.. no I'm not; I'm going to sleep.

6:02pm HST Sunday 16 February 2003

Janette just got back and guessed I walked between 4 and 5000 steps. I haven't yet converted it from binary.

7200.