Entries this day: Trains argh

Trains

6:20pm JST Sunday 6 April 2003

I still don't have the trains perfectly figured out. Today I got on a limited express without realizing it until we passed my stop by two stations.

argh

8:13pm JST Sunday 6 April 2003

This

Gah.

Where am I? Who am I? What the hell am I doing here holed up in my room? Do I want to learn Japanese? Do I want to be famous? How can I become famous by sitting scared in my room? Do I want to write a novel? How can I write a novel when I'm not writing? How can I expect to get letters if I'm not writing them? I've written two since I've been here and have received four. I think four.

I *am* famous! I've gotten four letters and tons of emails but.. I don't *feel* famous.. how will I know if I'm really famous? What the fuck is famous? Why am I still not studying Japanese? Why am I afraid to go play a bit in the fucking pachinko parlor when I've got probably 100,000 yen in my wallet? Why do I know how much money is in my wallet? Why don't I know how much money is in my wallet? Why haven't I paid back my loans? Why do I get stuck online? What am I doing here in Japan? I can just fucking work at home if I'm not going to learn Japanese? Shit I can learn fucking Japanese at home! Rie was teaching me and I had another class to attend but I didn't study cause just cause and now that I'm in Japan I'm not immersed. Trust me I'm not fucking immersed; I've got 2 English speaking roommates and 100% of my co-workers by definition speak English.

And my roommates are both gone doing whatever my roommates do when they're gone and I'm just sitting scared here in my room cause I don't know what's out there for me to do. I've got my little sushi dinner from the corner store. I don't have to understand Japanese to get it; I just look at the numbers on the cash register while they yammer in Japanese the price. Only thing vaguely interesting about that is memorizing a few different coins and their values. Trivial.

Where is the fucking challenge? Maybe I should go memorize my train stations so I won't have to write any more idiotic messages about how I got lost again cause I can't figure out which train is which. How dumb is that?

I should do something really challenging like go to some fucking African country that hasn't been tainted by western values and capitalism and all that. A culture that's really different - not just a different language.

Sigh.

9:07pm

I'm a bit better now. I just wrote a postcard to Eminem and am going to work on my mass email list.