Entries this day: Maybe_sick Sigh_maitai Urpie beautiful

Maybe sick

10:17am JST Thursday 5 June 2003

I feel so weird right now. Partially homesick, partially just want to be hugged, partially light headed, partially tired, partially hungry. Actually I think I'm a lot hungry, but nothing sounds good. I'm drinking hot green tea, but it's reheated tea from two days ago I think, cause I used all the remaining green tea

ooo; I suddenly had a need-to-throwup feeling as I thought about two day old tea, or as I looked over at the next cup I poured for myself. I'm going to down it and see what happens.

Last night before bed I tried crying, but it didn't go very far.

Last night before sleeping, I took a dose of night time cold medicine, which usually knocks me out cold. I didn't take it as a sleeping pill (though I took it at night knowing that I could be sleepy with no problem), but in hopes of solving the dry throat feeling with which I have woken up the past couple of days.

Last night sleeping I had a dream including

my arrival at a house that we'd left for two days and finding a young boy in the house, sitting with perfect posture on a chair, patiently waiting for someone to come home.

I projected that he needed a hug and offered that to him. He was like, "yes" and I hugged him and kneaded his arms and legs and back. I complimented him on such patience and told him I was further impressed by his good posture.

I was reminded by a friend whose son he was (that of a yoga teacher or something) and I was like, "oh" as if that explained why he had good posture.

As I write this dream now, I see that kid as myself (except for the yoga-mom), alone in this big house-country (as opposed to alone in a country house), patiently waiting for my term to be up. Or waiting for someone named janette to come rescue me.

For some reason I'm not comfortable asking my local peers for hugs. Comes down to a fear of looking like a big sissy. No - it comes down to a fear of

of what?

something about not trusting these people around me. Not to the depth of trust that I trust my men's group back home.

Frank is in AA recovery, and apparently has been for years. I might reach out to him. He's such a fucking hard ass on the surface. That New Jersey outer coating he's developed, I assume.

(He happens to be in New Jersey now, officially helping with his cousin's overdose.)

Frank attends AA meetings here; I wonder if there is a warrior group here. I wonder if I can start one. Where do I start for that? I know; I'll write to my men's group back home and tell them what's the deal on my end.

It's 10:51am; I'm going to begin slowly getting ready for work.

It's 11:06am; I just wrote to my men's group. *Now* I'm going to get ready for work.

Men

I fucking miss the fuck out of you guys.  I literally have not been
hugged in the 9 weeks I've been here.  I have felt too much fear (?) /
distrust to ask for hugs of anyone around me in Japan.  Fear that they
will see me as a big wuss, or that they will misunderstand and think I
want more than just a hug.  (Which of course, part of me does, but I'm
choosing not to listen to my dick)

To take care of myself, I will search online for any Warrior type
things here in Japan.  My hope is that I can find some initiated men
in the Tokyo area, and shit, maybe that I can find an I-group.  Maybe
I can start one.

If my current mood persists, I will write an article of some variety
for the DRUM.  Right now I have to (choose to) get ready for work; I'm
beginning my work week (I have Tuesday and Wednesday off) on Thursday.

Thank you for your blessing / grounding at my most recent I-group
night a million years ago.

If you know of warrior resources in Tokyo, please let me know.

With Love and Blessings

Rob Nugen
Thunder Rabbit
November 1997

ps: despite my emotions, I am making headway in Japan; I've got a
stable job which will allow me to pay off my debt (from 11,000 miles
of road tripping around the US) and have found three private English
students who I'll teach (separately) each week.  With that tutoring,
I'll make enough money to cover my daily expenses.  Awesome.

A summary of my Japan experience is at http://www.robnugen.com/japan/

Details are at http://www.robnugen.com/journal/

ps: I finished the second cup of tea with no dramatic increase nor decrease of a need to hurl.

Sigh maitai

12:09pm JST Thursday 5 June 2003

As I walked outside to my bike I noticed that I hadn't looked over my list of things to make sure I have when I left. Checked my pockets and everything seemed fine. Didn't go back to check.

Got to the bike place, carefully found the closest spot on Aisle C and lifted my bike over other bikes to put it there. Somehow kept the tires from hitting my white shirt.

As I left the bike place I somehow noticed that I wasn't wearing a tie.

Forgot my fucking tie.

Back back back home put on a tie and didn't even make sure it was the optimal length. The tail sticks out about 1 cm past the head(?) what is the big part of a tie called??

Carefully stuffed another tie in my bag to leave at work so I can forget it again and just put one on at work.

- - - -

Paying 150 yen to get to ‚Þ‚³‚µ‚±‚·‚¬ (3 stations away) so I can add $ to my train pass. Can't do it at ‚‚Ȃµ‚Ü.

- - - -

Saw Kimberly talking to some western cat in the train station. Waved to her, but didn't stop to chat.

Urpie

9:18pm JST Thursday 5 June 2003

I felt urpie pretty much all day at work today. Like that slightly light headed feeling when I'm just about vomit, but not quite yet. A couple times (four times?) during the day while talking, I just had to, like, stutter, a bit, to keep my urps from upchucking on the table, and then the sensation would turn into a cough and I'd cough into the crook of my elbow.

urp.

A student of mine said, "I saw your homepage." and I'm like really? and lo, though I was so careful to not tell many people, I wrote it on my self description card - like meet the teachers and all our pictures are up on the wall with likes and dislikes below them. At the bottom of mine says www.robnugen.com. Whoah.

Her name was ‚¦‚Ý, I think.

I leveled up a student named ‚ß‚®‚Ý. She had had a level up slip in her folder for about a week and for some reason, no one had given it to her. So we reconstructed two levelups for her today.

But I still felt upchuckie. Was able to eat rice and basically good food (no chocolate gorging today), but still unsettled.

beautiful

9:27pm JST Thursday 5 June 2003

Wow.

Though I broke a cardinal rule and answered the phone on the train, I'm glad I did. It was ‚ ‚â‚È. She can't meet with me tomorrow. That is so perfect. I didn't study, and I feel like sleeping.

Thank you, universe. You kick ass.