Entries this day: Crying Taxi Today

Crying

9:45am JST Friday 17 October 2003

I'm crying in public now. Not like bwuahh I'm a big fucking baby crying, but tears and sniffles; I just want a friend in Japan. It's like I'm begging for friends cause I was walking back toward Shibuya with Ayana and she had to stop to get pics and I'm like, "can I wait for you?" "No that's okay" "May I wait for you?" "No, don't worry." Fuckin' hell I just want to talk with you for two minutes longer. Anything, please.

I'm broken hearted emotionally and have a hard time studying by myself; I immerse myself in email and journaling and making to do lists and don't study. And then I'm happy to just talk to Ayana (pay for friendship) because anything that looks like studying results in my embarassment that I've not studied, but I can't study cause my mind is awash in emotional distress from not having a friend. It's a vicious circle with no apparent end.

So I look to Nova students for friendship which I'm not allowed to do by Nova's rules. Most of the teachers have fun by going out and smoke and drink. The closest friend I've got is Cory, but he's married practically to Janis

wah wah wah I'm a big fucking baby

My closest shot was Stephanie; but then she had to leave before we really had time to hang out. Didn't even really say Bye to her, just "see you tomorrow" but tomorrow came with no Stephanie at work, and the next day and then the next day she texted me, "I'm sick I'm outta here."

Nami is so busy with work she never (*) emails me back

I've got myself so busy with shit that I never (*) give myself a chance to cry nor hang out blah blah blahb albhablabhabl

(*) almost

- - - -

In positive news, I have just been contacted by a cat who

Taxi

10:07pm JST Friday 17 October 2003

Taking a taxi home from work because our beloved Tokyu line had an accident (read suicide). Cory has never seen our line stopped due to an accident before. We've both seen the train late before, but not flat stopped.

10:37pm

I found out that the train hit a car at Jiyugaoka (sp). Yeouch.

Today

12:16am JST Saturday 18 October 2003

I cried today after class with Ayana. I cried a bit on the way to work, and cried a bit when I first got to work. Morag came in, "how are you?" "sad." and I told her I felt like I don't have any friends in Japan. She said that she was my friend, didn't that count? and I was like, "yes, totally," and a bit later she was all, "oh, I don't want you to be sad." and I said "sometimes I just need to be sad." And she was all, "okay" and it was all cool. Tears a bit longer and she acknowledged that it sucked being alone (for her to be in Scotland all alone) and she described (mirrored) what I'm experiencing here: though I feel like I don't have friends, I've got to fix up my emotions before I can feel like hanging out with anyone to make friends with them.

I felt a lot better after crying.