Entries this day: Rot Through Tokyo_tower

Rot

11:19am JST Wednesday 26 November 2003

I'm just rotting in my room.

Anything on my computer seems easier than studying.

Good news is I just got 133 on an IQ test. (I got 135 the first time I took it, which seems a lot higher, but oh well)

The bad news is that my JQ isn't getting any higher. And I want to write about my conversation with janette last night where we analyzed my relationship patterns and tried to see why I'm never satisfied with what relationship I've got.

"It's a complete nightmare; I am always looking. I never stop looking." I'm always looking for another woman who will be better than the one I've got. When I don't have a girlfriend I'm looking for a girlfriend. When I have a girlfriend I'm looking for a better girlfriend. This has never fucking stopped since high school. I continually look for a problem with each woman I meet to get her off my list of possible girlfriends. I spend all my energy on this. Nightmare.

Logically I know I'm looking for something that must come from within me. Thing is, I don't know what I'm looking for. Some kind of connection with infinity and unending love.

grar (as Jackie would say)

- - - -

okay okay. I'm reaching into my memory that said I could see the value of studying Japanese, and I could see the possibility of learning Japanese, and remembering the angst I felt after I didn't study Japanese, and the pride I felt after I studied Japanese and got positive strokes (from women) after I used Japanese correctly.

Study now.

(where is the part where I'm studying for my own benefit?)

Through

3:38pm JST Wednesday 26 November 2003

Man, the titles today could be songs on a nin album

Called janette; pounced on her when I got an email proving she was still awake. She was surprised to hear from me. More huge honesty; I told her that I just want to BITE みき, like a vampire just smurf her and be done (*). But since I can't do that, I'm pawing at her, the way I did with inaccessible women while I was in Dallas.

HUGE sadness on the phone. This was my best cry in Japan so far. Reached that point of vibrational connection with my higher spirit; a truly cleansing cry. Close connection with janette; didn't want to let her go after that.

(*) smurf has a meaning that I can't explain; I don't have the language for it (not even in Japanese). This is a point that Wende didn't understand when I tried to explain it one day. janette says she understands. interesting, that.

I cried subbingly uncontrollingly; just let it all go in heaving gasps "I <sob> can't <sob> do <sob> this."

Once I was in a pattern of two words between sobs; it would be good in a movie to see that a few times. Pretty funny.

Feeling *much* better now. Even if I'm not any more likely to study today. Except I'll probably practice some with なおみ at Tokyo Tower today.

Oh - janette told me that a psychic did my reading and said, "I don't know what he's going t to, but whatever he does will be magnificent." Wow. I have heard this about four timtes from different psychics, and Ithis time I was like beyond the need to know wtf it is I'm going to do. I'm just like, "okay' sounds great" but I'm just here living my life and we'll see what comes up. Trusting that it will come and that these people are right.

janette said she really hated when I pawed back in Dallas. She said I was giving away my power. I hoped janette was going tosay something like, she actually liked it, but that was not the case. Oh, she said I really gave away and I was like I have so much energy, whcih I have explaressed to Wende asw well. So much energy and sometoiemses oftentimes I don't know what to do with it all. I can hardly keep my legs from bouncing; I can hardly stand still on an escalator; I can never sit on all fours in the classroom in Nova; I am alswas moving always running up the stairs. go go go go go. Am I chasing or running? both? is that possible? My train is about to come; gotta jet.

peace

Tokyo tower

10:40pm JST Wednesday 26 November 2003

Had big fun hanging with Naomi after visiting Tokyo Tower. She is an elevator operator there, which incluldes not only operating elevators, but today, greeting people at the top of the tower and asking them to step to the right out of the elevator. I was like, "Hi Naomi" when she saw me.

Because she works there, we got to visit the mystery art place free of charge, and she took picture with her disposable camera. They were like optical illusiuory pictures with varying degrees of illusionicity.

She showed me a lot of different uildings at the top of from the top of the tower and then we went to the illusion place and then rocked out of there in search of food. Got two guitar pins for Bryn at Hard Rock Cafe (one 50% off from early 2003 and one this year for Christmas 2003 (city included, year included) and then we stopped in a bookstore where I saw a translated version of a book called Alice in Wonderland and the disaster at World Trade Center Disaster: Why the official story of 9/11 is a monumental lie and sent to janette via email (via my phone!!) the title.. I have no idea if it's a good book or not.

Then we chowed at an upscale Denny's calibre restaurnat and I didn't feel the least bit like I didn't know how to act in a Japanese restaurnat cuase we were cutting up and doing (subtle) see food games and such. First ime in Japan for me for that. yaya!

Um, then we oh, we went to a game center and took funny pictures in the picture booth; that I think I'll put online, but I might have to in a super secret place - heck I dunno Oh, I can put them on my bbst. money.

UmmmmmmmmThen we headed home and I dropped her off (we rode the train, but) at Kawasaki, and now I'm on the Nambu line to head home.

Tons of fun and tons of Japanese including but not limited to:

wats

watashi no ie wa tsunashima eki aruite 8fun kurai desu

kono densha wa atono densha chisai risomething des
this is not in ps I think
 those were the most valuable ones that I remember.

oh also wakata oiete kudasai.  I think that's right.  good stuff mate.

oh and shimarimas and  m  the opposit  hirakimas I think.

There is a guy on this train bein g super loud and drunk I assume,
but he's with his friends and they are all shhh ing him to nlow
avail.   the women in front of my are gossipping quietly andmi
including lots of neeeeee annd unnnn   and neeeee  and  nnnnnnnn  and
such.  funny, but normal for them.

normal for them, but natural for me.


okay I hope nothing else super noteworthy happens or that I get homne
quickly; I'm closing my computer now and it doesn't hink it has
enough power to start back up again without a recharge.

2:20am Thursday 17 November 2003

I typed a lot of this with the screen off, and then I never checked it. I'm still going to post it; I'm too tired to futz with it now and I dunno if I'll ever edit it.