Entries this day: State_of_my_Life Wow zzzz_masahiko

State of my Life

10:17am JST Tuesday 2 December 2003

This will be brief for now, but it's that time of the month for me.

State of My Life Address

1. Masahiko (the guard/helper guy from the bank) is going to drive me to Nikko tomorrow!! It was so random; the last time I saw him at the bank, he's like, 'what are your day off December?' and I cracked out my calendar and he said, "I pick you up Wednesday 3rd December."

   "Cool; where will we go?"

   "Nikko. I pick you up at 6am, okay?"

   "Awesome!"

   Just this morning he called to confirm. It's really going to happen! I wonder what kind of adventure this will be.

2. I am pretty much in love with Miki, and janette knows about her and his hanging tough knowing that I have fallen in and out of love in the past, and I really don't know anything about Miki really and it would take a lot more knowing for me before I do anything more with Miki. It's a strange situation, yes.

3. This ding dong computer reallllly chows through battery.

4. From 79% to 7% in the amount of time I've written this entry. And I don't hunt and peck.

5. I'm going to go look for an apartment today. This is just the start of my search, but I am actually going to go out and look. I'll stop at the bank and ask Masahiko (when he called me this AM, he asked if I would come by and I said yes around 11am) to see if he can help me get started.

6. (interesting, it's still at 7%; it seems to be highly miscalibrated)

7. I'm considering the possibility of buying food to cook at my house because it would be less expensive monetarily (if more expensive timeily) and because it seems like a good skill to develop again. Plus during the Nova holidays (27 Dec - 3 Jan) I should have time to cook and I don't know what convenience store hours will be. Does *everything* *really* shut down? I dunno. I doubt it; sounds more like hype, but Japan is quirky.

Wow

12:14pm JST Tuesday 2 December 2003

janette wasn't as genki as I thought she'd be and then she told me she sent me a comment. Oh. I see now.

4:52pm JST Tuesday 2 December 2003

Fuck a duck this has been the nuttiest day kinda emotionally I guess. I was like GRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGRRRRRRARRRRRRRRRRR! when janette was talking like not coming to Japan and I'm like fuck Miki I'll never see her again if that's what it takes to get you to Japan and I'm like damn what is all this about and then I have to ZOOM off to meet Liz who I asked on a moment's notice to come translate for me at this apartment locator place and i was coughing and short of breath cause I hauled ass there, running a newly-red light before the cross traffic could bite me, and zooming over the bridge with the traffic and Liz and this cat were yammering a million miles per hour and I'm like fuck this living in Japan shit I just want to go home; fuck learning anything else, and I was in a pretty pissy mood about janette and Miki fiasco into which I've gotten myself and spilled it all to Liz who was like, "this is your new chance to start your new life in Japan" and I'm like, FUCK THAT I'm not going to start a new life; this is my fucking life; I'm in it right now and the answer, according to all the movies and books, the answer is inside me, but why can't I fucking see it?

And we went to the Prince Hotel and i helped her with her speech and really wrote a good little number for her, including a good joke that Japanese English-speaking audience should get and we chowed and looked out over the city and I felt better (eating at least once a day is a good thing I'm sure)

- - - -

Zoom back home and I'm on the edge of late to meet まさひこ at 5:10pm at 綱島 station cause he was like, "how about you spend the night at my house tonight and we'll get an early start in the morning" and I'm like, "ummmmmm okay" cause i never say no (fuck that, I'm learning to say no, but I chose not to say no to him (I miss my fucking I group goddammit)) and I run myself ragged busy and I haven't done my laundry today, but now I'm about to go meet him and begin some new adventure, but I just wanted to rant and write what has happened so far.

Finish. ありがと。

zzzz masahiko

1:06am JST Wednesday 3 December 2003

今、優彦さん　(まさひこ) のいえにいます。

I really like his wife's spoken Japanese; I don't know if she speaks more clearly or if I am suddenly understanding more, but it seems that I can pick up more of her spoken words than other peoples'.

Ummmmm we took the train to his house (over an hour from 綱島) and he cooked a rockin' dinner! janette *totally* would love this; the house is full of quirky stuff and not at all like a stuffy clean house that I thought most (but what the heck do I know, this is the first Japanese home I've been to) Japanese homes might be. Anyway, I totally want janette to come visit Masahiko's house and have him cook for her and me; that will rule.

Watched two western movies each starring James Dean, whose voice is nothing like I thought it would be (I expected Elvis, and I found it squeaky and Texan twangy), East of Eden and Giants (?) I think.

Anyway, mostly my mind has been on what

(( oh, tonight was my first bath in a Japanese home; wash wash wash in the shower and then galooosh (gently) into the HOT water and soak until my heart was like, "hey jack, this is too hot" and I got out. Nice, but chotto hot for me ))

the hell I'm doing in Japan and what the hell I'm doing in the world. In my mind I have begun to compose a theory that I can never settle down with one *anything* be it home, country, relationship, job, project, anything. I'm having tons of fun experiencing new experiences tonight with MH and have (jeez we're camping out on futons in the guest room while his wife is in the main room (I presume) and I'm trying to turn off the light and explain that I can type just fine without it and he's like turning it back on insisting that it's okay; I hope he falls asleep soon; we're scheduled to be awake and ohgodthirty (4:30)) really enjoyed this and part of me has wondered if I could settle in this area and ride the とかいど line for an hour to work every day, and part of me realizes I could settle anywhere, but I don't want to settle anywhere cause I want to see everywhere first.

じゅんこ, his daughter called and asked to talked to me and I yammered with her a *bit* in Japanese like, "what is your name" (おな まえは何ですか。) and something else easy, oh spelling her name in Japanese and then she said "あってください。" and it took me a bit to understand what she meant, basically a polite "I look forward to meeting you," and I'm like, "oh 私も" and it all begins again. Junko, junko, how old is Junko? Could I stand to have Masahiko as my inlaw? I wonder if she's cute? etc and it's like holy shit dude, cut it the fuck out, but it's still there; it still happens.

でも, I wonder what what what I'll do in the world. I've considered writing to "famous" people who have guided me to ask for more guidance, but I know that the guidance really must come from within (thank you Kristen (do you still read this?) for banging me on the head with that one (will you ever kiss me? (oh shit I should probably erase that)) a couple years back) and fuck if I'm not quite sure how to get at it (meditation, dingaling)

So my idea is basically that I can never settle, never be satisfied, until I find that settled place within myself (yes I know it's a process (Jennifer (same b-date 5 years later))) and not black and white (Bryn), but there's still got to be some mysterious red pill that I'm missing that will show me the truth. Right?

boo-boooo.

Yes, the truth is that I don't actually want *anyone*; I want parts of everyone; I want my mommy to take care of me; I want to know (be told) what to do all the time; I want to do everything myself (in the ER, covered in bandages and white astral light, "no problem, Dad, I got it under control.") and I want to be the best at everything I do. ("You're not cool; you'll never win, if you're not Arian; Aries, Aries, we're the best; we're better than all the rest" or something like that [and] "... cause Aries are the best." "Of course!")

I want to look back upon my life and be amazed at what I've done. I just want to be like, "wow. Good job."

Okay; maybe that's all for now.

- - - -

nothing else came to mind while I read comics. Supposed to be awake in 2.75 hours. good night.