Entries this day: Long_day Thunk Typewritten_meditation

Long day

7:35pm JST Wednesday 3 December 2003

I remember him saying it would take about 2 or 3 hours to drive to 日光。 Fair enough. That's how long it took the tour bus.

It took 6 hours each way.

Mate. Six hours.

We were in Nikko approximately 1 hour. We saw a waterfall I had never seen, (uh oh, deja vu is happening), the waterfall we saw through clouds on the tour (no clouds this time), and the temple we saw on the tour (no rain this time).

I did get pictures.

My god what a long day of driving, and so many beautiful places to stop, but we just drove drove drove.

Traffic was a nightmare. We drove through little-ass cities, each with fifty lights in a row, non-synchronized, single lanes with a jillion fuckin' people trying to get through.

And, I had to peeeeeeeee.

AND, though I didn't turn on my computer today, it went from 100% to 49% battery during our 13 hours. Now it's down to 17% battery in the, let's see, 6 minutes it's taken me to write this entry.

Six minutes? Well, not flat out typing; I'm writing this as I go blah blabh whatthefuck ever

I'm on the train, have 12% battery and that's maybe enough to describe all the thoughts I thunk while ridin' around crowded rural Japan.

Thunk

7:43pm JST Wednesday 3 December 2003

I flat decided I would not see Miki tonight; I told her I'd call her if I got home soon enough, but then I was like fuckit; talking to janette is far more important at this juncture and I texted Miki to say sorry ol' chap. I told her generally the situation; that I like her and janette's not happy about that and I'm feeling crummy about not being able to maintain focus for an extended remix relationship. A mix, maybe, but certainly not an extended remix.

She's like roger doger and I'm left wondering wtf is up in my mind. wtf I'm supposed to be doing, wtf is the point of all this insanity and wtf to tell janette.

If I get no input from janette then she should still come to Japan and I won't see Miki while janette is here and I won't do more than hang with Miki before janette gets here.

If I get negative feedback from janette, then I'm like send my shit to Maggie's house and I'll buy 1/2 your Japan ticket and we both do whatever we want.

If I get positive feedback from janette, I have to stick with my first option.

9:04pm JST Wednesday 3 December 2003

I'm home now. Have nearly finished eating (it's like gorging; today I've eaten two rice balls with a dab of sushi each, so I think I'm hungry and I just chowed this shit down) and I'm going to call janette in 55 minutes.

I think meditation is in order. I think one of my patented (*) Typewritten Meditations is in order.

(*) not patented

Typewritten meditation

9:07pm JST Wednesday 3 December 2003

The best of both worlds.

somewhere there is an answer

it might not be the right answer but

it's possible that I am not being given guidance for what I'm supposed
to do in the world; maybe I asked specifically for no guidance.  maybe
for reasons I don't know, no guidance can be given.

Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.

Anyone who is in their right mind cannot know what they are to do in
the world.

People occasionally slip out of their mind and peek, but this is more
the exception than the rule.

I can't explain in English why this is true.

It's possible that no matter where I go, I will be able to figure out
something cool to do.

let's assume this, which means it doesn't matter where I go.   And
therefore it doesn't matter what I do or what kids I have or who I
marry or anything else.

this reminds me of Ram Dass.

Let's say that the

after this entry, write to Rebecca.  Find emails for her and write
her. (*)

let's say that the palm reader guy was wrong about one thing: that my
job is to not become attached to anything until I find the right
thing.  This would look like me not know what is the right thing, but
each thing has equal potential of, actually, each thing is the right
thing in its (my) own way.

"What has the gene pool gained by having a guy float around and decide
everything is not good enough to do?"

So if I grant myself the belief that if I get married, I won't be
missing my Life Ship, will I let myself get married?  

(um, no)

Then what is it?

Fear of something unknown.

Why do you think you even want to get married?

(mirror:)  Because if I get married, then I've found someone that I
can trust enough with my everything forever.  But really that means I
trust myself.  Mirror.

Ah.  Very interesting.  How will you know if you trust yourself?

Ummmmmmm.

Sidetracked. My glasses

Oh, this is interesting. I have noticed recently my ability to mis-align priorities. Like the time I was like, Self, you march yourself right up there and talk to the apartment guy. Just do it. And I walked up there and he spoke zip-nothing of English and I'm like, "fuck" and told him I'd call a friend. Called Liz and she's like cool, and I was focused on getting her to come to the apartment locator place, where I was. Trying to describe this was going to be a nightmare, but I was stuck on optimizing her time so that she would be able to get good time on her own project (me writing her speech (shit I'm meeting her again tomorrow (**))) and I didn't think of the option of having her meet me at the station. It's a known location, and it was a short walk from the apartment place. Well, a 3 minute walk. (I was, at least, smart enough to disallow her to meet me at my apartment which would have been ridiculous (15 minute walk). yay for that.)

okay, my glasses are dirty I noticed and I'm like, "aight take a shower" (that's called an extended remix glasses cleaning, jeez) cause I'm like aight I'm supposed to call janette in 23 minutes; I can *barely* take a shower in that amount of time = rush rush rush rush rush; gotta get away from that.

(*) found one email. It bounced.

(**) fuck, even though I knew my schedule would be tight, I oh dammit and i haven't done my laundry this weekend. FUCK!

(train wreck; alert; Stephen Covey's Seven Principles Important Urgent graph bedammed; it's time to do laundry.)