Entries this day: Work bye-bye_bike_light dammit sadness

Work

8:10pm JST Monday 8 December 2003

Good times at work today. Pretty easy day, for which I'm definitely thankful. Saw high school Miki there; she attended voice for the two non-consecutive timeslots surrounding my voice duty. It's rare for students to leave a lesson (or voice) early, but fully one half of the students left voice today. He was apologetic, and I was like, "it's cool, bro," but I was left with a man to man 7C ish student who could answer in one or two words and not form questions for me.

My last lesson was with a 5 year old named Haraka I think. She was pretty non-responsive to my boring non-five-year-oldness, so we had a lesson under the table. That was hopefully fun for her, but it kinda cramped my neck. Oh well.

That was my last lesson and I was like yeeeha I get to ride my bike outta here!

But then...

bye bye bike light

8:12pm JST Monday 8 December 2003

Dammit. Someone stole the light off my bike during the 36 hours that I left it locked in 川崎。 Fuck. Well I hope they enjoy it. I was just about to recharge the batteries on it, too. I'm glad I hadn't *just* recharged them. 4000 yen light and 1200 yen rechargeable batteries. Sigh.

But good news is it will take about three hours of work to make that much money back.

Other good(?) news is most bikes on the road (though it was fully dark) didn't have lights on.

dammit

10:57pm JST Monday 8 December 2003

Hmmm.

For some reason my journal seems to be fucking up when I start with the base URL /journal, which refreshes to /cgi-local/journal.pl (that refresh works okay, but) the refresh for which resolves to /cgi-local/journal.pl?date[latest_date] (this is the part that fucks up.)

But, if I just enter /cgi-local/journal.pl?date[latest_date], it's fine. Hmmmm.

Ah, cool. It only fucks up with Safari (d'oh), and hopefully not most browsers. My version of IE works okay.

sadness

12:48am JST Tuesday 9 December 2003

Huge bawling tears on the phone with janette tonight. We talked about Miki and I recognize just how horrible a situation this is for her; it's just like Miki is the innocent victim in this; she's cuter than cute and seems to really like me, but I'm unavailable and still hanging out with her in a way where part of me is wanting for more, but I'm telling her and reminding myself no no no.

A few moments ago had I been typing, there'd be none of this silly grammatical correctness.

I feel so much shame at myself for all the women with whom I've fallen in love and broken up with, Miki, janette, Sally, Wende, Amanda, Christine, Tammy, Lynda, and that's just counting the main ones and *not* counting the abortion and the miscarriage. My relationship life is a fucking nightmare and I want to stop the pattern. I want to solve this, but the problem seems unsolvable. What could I possibly do that would help a fish not live in water?

How can I possibly change so that this ingrained pattern is released?

What is the first step? Who do I talk to? Can it be done in Japan? Should it be done in Japan? Why would I think there are right answers to this? What guidance can I get from my angels?

So much sadness.

- - - -

I wondered about living with Fred. I like him; I like Austin. We could just be brothas together and I could go to some kind of counseling and get a job at Amy's Ice Cream and just live a simple life for a while.

(how does that feel?)

7:28am JST Tuesday 9 December 2003

Oh, I also felt like it's just too late to start such a big impossible project. Like by the time I fix this, I'll be a million years old and too old to do anything worthwhile.

I'm really good at starting new projects. It's easy for me to fall in love with a new woman. I don't seem to be as good at following through with projects. I haven't even written about the coasters at Yomiuriland yet.

I have a great fear that if I leave Japan to embark on this bold adventure of healing myself of this hurtful relationship pattern, that I'll never completely follow through. That comes from two points of view: 1) that it's an unsolvable problem and 2) that I don't finish projects.

If I leave Japan, there are many people that I would miss: Morag, Miki, Liz, Carla, Nami, Tomoko, Rieko, Ayana, Jen, Orivia ... I see that these are all women. There is something amiss in this situation.

- - - -

As I think about this idea of leaving Japan to heal myself, I want all sorts of external validation for my decision. Kristen told me most clearly that this must come from within. janette told me most encouragingly that it's okay to seek external advice when the problems seem to have no solutions.

I want to ask Rebecca Montgomery, my psychic friend from a long time ago. I want to ask Kim Sawyer. I'm still in touch with him so I'll send him this entry. I want to ask Maggie, who has done similar internal transformative growth and supports me in whatever I do. I want to ask Wende, who knows me the best and often tells me straight from her heart. I want to ask my I-group. How the fuck could I forget about them?

- - - -

If I move to Austin, I could work at Amy's Ice Cream. That might be fun. I wonder what else I could do for work. Morag is the first person to ever tell me that waiting tables is really fun. I wonder if I would like that. I wonder if I could get a job as a counselor; Frank has done this recently. Do I have the official credentials?

If I move to Austin, I could hang out with my brother, my mom and that guy more easily.

If I move to Austin,

• I could ride my bike most places I need to go (and get lots of exercise with all the hills)

• I would be in Texas (Wende's favorite state) and Wende would be in California (my favorite state (except Hawaii, but it shouldn't be a state; we should release the islands to the natives, but that's a different story)).

• I could join an I-group. (I could actually drive to Houston each week (given a car) and attend *my* I group)

• I could volunteer at 91.7 KVRX or KOOP. (Hell fuckin' yeah that would be pimp to get back into radio)

• I have a great fear that I would never get myself back out "into the world"

Oh shit here is a big one... I am afraid that if I heal this, that I will be grown up and that I won't be able to travel freely like this. I wonder where that comes from. There's a dual thought-form: ... yarg, I can't quite get it back again. Something like if I solve this within myself I will be disinterested (too old? (as I said above) too mature? too grounded?) in travel and therefore will have missed my opportunity, which I'm in right now. I'm in JAPAN right now; why would I want to go back?

(( There is a corallary to this point which says that if I don't want to do something then I won't be concerned if I don't do it. But that doesn't really solve this concern. ))

I would *definitely* want to continue studying Japanese.

Wouldn't I?

-- -- -- --

Okay, I'm going to embark upon my day. Letter to Bryn, Beans, Chez, and then meet Atsuko. Oh shit I'm going to carefully check email first. Carefully = cautiously. No web browsing. Only email. Okay. I promise myself.

- - - -

- - - -

- - - -

8:31am JST Tuesday 9 December 2003

Two(?) more things before I go:

1) If I leave now-ishly, then I will give Miki this art thing I've been working on.

2) I trust my angels guide me.