Entries this day: Card_to_Wende Yuuko_and_Miki grrrrrrrrrrr pools_of_tears

Card to Wende

11:11am JST Wednesday 24 December 2003

Just wrote a card to send to Wende, but it took a while cause I put some Pooh magnets and a chocolate coin in between two cards and on the front of the card it says

Happy Christmas and the
like!  I Hope your holidays
rule and that you get
to have the best elfa
sale experience EVER and
that your family is great
and Peter, Tinkerbell and that
other cat are great and
that you like the chocolate
and longer lasting Pooh magnets

At which point I realized when she reads the card she won't have seen the magnets and it would spoil the surprise. So, I added a sticky flap that says CENSORED UNTIL PACKAGE IS OPENED, but it took two point five tries to get it right.

Maybe this is why I'm loathe to send things; each one must be Aries calibre greatest thing ever.

- - - -

Leaving now to send the card, buy some raw spinach, eat it (and maybe eat some non-raw eggs) and then meet ゆうこ in Kawasaki.

Yuuko and Miki

11:29pm JST Wednesday 24 December 2003

Met 裕子 at Cinecitta. We ate at Freshness Burger where I told her in the best Japanese I could muster the story of the movie Changing Lanes then came to my house to watch Changing Lanes.

The story was a bit difficult or uninteresting for her to follow, so we didn't make it much past the middle. Looked through the pics on my computer instead. There's over 3000 pictures so we didn't make it to the middle before I had to go back to Cinecitta to meet Haneda Miki (not KG Miki). On the way back I was a bit distracted with monitoring my emotional etc internal senses, wondering slash noticing how dis/similar that was to having two girlfriends and watching as I wrangled with ditching one for the other and which one and what if we were all just friends which we officially are, and Haneda Miki is off my list anyway cause she smokes, but I felt like I owed her dinner cause she paid for mine some time ago etc etc etc.

8 minutes late to meet Miki and I couldn't tell if she was upset (it's a challenge for me to read Japanese poker faces) at me being late or at Yuuko being there too, or not upset at all. gah

Went to a kaitein sushi, which was Miki's first time to visit and I was intrigued by what seeeemed to be a switch thrown on the kaitein sushi track, cause when we were invited to our seats, there were no sushis in front of us on the moving conveyor, but then some began to appear and it was all one big conveyor linked with the other parts of the bar, which did have sushi before.

Ate, then went to see Bad Boys II at Cinecitta after we wandered around the game center and ended up not going to the プリクラ to get pictures taken (cause it was too crowded). Bad Boys II was surprisingly long and had lots of killer diller car chases and shootemups and I'm like dammmmn what is the budget for this movie?

- - - -

entry aborted calling janette

grrrrrrrrrrr

1:00am JST Thursday 25 December 2003

I'm in a fucking pissed off mood now after talking to janette and bringing to light the issues of the evening which is I love too many women and just want to have the comfort of women who love me to be around me and I don't want to go to counciling and I hate everything that has to do with not having women gush over me all the time and I sure as fuck don't want to do any couciling in Japan and everyone can just bite me and fuck off.

Yes, ma, there is a lot of anger in me. Where the fuck did it come from I don't know but punching plastic bottles full of water didn't get rid of all of it. Just hurt my hands a little bit, fortunately not my wrist any more than it already is.

I hate writing in my journal every day I hate not having a big project to pour my heart and soul into I hate not knowing what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing in the world and I hate thinking that the right answer is within my heart somewhere and all I have to do is ask for it and it will come. No, I hate knowing that apparently I'm not ready to know the answer. Matrix kinda shit, the choice has been made and we just have to understand the reason for the choice.

I hate that I pour my heart into my journal everyday and I get nothing from it. I hate thinking that I get nothing from it. I hate thinking that the something should be in the form of cash sent to my paypal account.

I'm thankful that my mom sent me cash for Christmas (to my papal account).

- - - -

"it has become apparent that I need to find a counselor in Japan. I can easily find a hundred excuses and difficulties in finding a counselor. I just need to set aside my drug of choice (women) for long enough (and not just rot in my room like I did yesterday) to find a counselor and then to trust that every week it's worth my time to go to that counselor each week consistently (the way I go to Japanese lesson)."

I've got to let you go to take care of myself. (and punch some water bottles and bang out this journal entry and brush my teeth and cry in bed.)

Tomorrow the drug is in the form of a party at Carla's house. Friday the drug is Miki and other students and teachers at Wara Wara. Saturday the drug is going out with Miki and Dan and the girls upstairs. Sunday I curl up and die. But I won't physically die; don't worry.

I persevere.

pools of tears

1:34am JST Thursday 25 December 2003

Merry Christmas, Rob!

It's good to know that you're liking Japan better, learning students'
names, and recognizing how much you've learned. You could look at the
past nine months as a fantastic Christmas gift to yourself!

We'll be going to Jill's this afternoon to exchange gifts, then to
Live Oak for a Christmas Eve service. At least this year the kids
won't be climbing all over you! I'll be thinking of you, though.

How will you spend your days off?

I've been kind of bummed since we exchanged a couple of heavy duty
letters and you haven't written since. Are you mad? sad? irritated?
indifferent? satisfied?

Alicia is leaving Christmas morning to see her mom in Lawrence,
KS. Karina will arrive Christmas night and wants some Thai food for
dinner. In between, Jon and I will go caroling at Safe Place, a
shelter for battered women and their children. Everyone's name had to
be submitted ahead of time and we have to take photo IDs with us. We
don't even know the location yet.

Karina's mother Georgette will be in Austin Jan. 30-31. The two of
them will probably see each other for the first time in 12 years. They
are both terrified. Karina has felt abandoned by her mother most of
her life. After a big dispute 12 years ago, the passage of time made
it more and more difficult to bridge the gap. Now Georgette has lung
cancer. It may be small cell cancer, one of the fastest and most
virulent kinds. This may well be Karina and Georgette's only time to
see each other. They still love each other on some level, but there's
a lot of anger piled on top of it.

Have a very happy holiday. I love you!

Ma

- - - -

Hi Ma

Thanks for the updates.

I'm in a shit mood now cause I'm really scared about healing this part
of me that I despise so much.  I don't want to hurt any more women and
I don't want to not use women as my comfort and I can rationalize my
behavior since I haven't kissed or had sex with any women in Japan
cept Janette but in my heart I know there is still something to be
healed and I just can barely even consider the idea that it's possible
to heal and that it's possible that I will survive the process and
that it's possible I will still be myself on the other side.

I'm completely wrapped up in myself and I have to pretend like I'm not
and pretend like I care about other people so that they will care
about me and I say that cause i get all these emails (I HAVE OVER 400
EMAILS IN MY INBOX!!!) and I'm like, 'yay nice email' and I don't
reply cause I'm just wrapped up in myself and just want the drug of
emails coming in = love coming in.  fuck.

That's why I haven't written to you.  I'm hardly taking care of myself
and have no energy to be like, "oh shit that sounds fucked up about
Karina and her mom" and I can see it on an intellectual level how hard
that must be but I have no emotional energy left to really feel it and
send her love and light to help.

I have no big plans for my days off; I'm afraid I'll just rot in my
room like I did yesterday and not study Japanese like my big
aspiration says I should do and god I just hate this.

Thanks for listening.  I don't need you to counter or soothe each
point; just hearing me is enough.

Somewhere in all this I love you and wish you well.

	With Love
	- Rob

ps: thank you so much for the money.  Now I'm suddenly crying; thank
you thank you for continuing to love me even though i feel so
unlovable.

huge wailing gasping tears followed.

I'm going to bed now. for real.

After I write to janette.