Entries this day: a_State_of_My_Life_Address

a State of My Life Address

12:06pm JST Saturday 3 January 2004

State of My Life Address

1. I've been in Japan 9 months and 7 days.

2. I work at Kawasaki Nova teaching English. Scheduled days: Thursday, Friday 1:20pm - 9pm; Saturday, Sunday, Monday ~10am - ~5:30pm.

3. But right now, I'm on day 8 of 9 days of winter vacation.

4. I live in Bell Wistaria in 綱島 with Dan. John, our strange roommate, moved out recently.

5. I have been taking Japanese every week on Friday in Shibuya for some months. My Japanese is getting better. Recently I asked Ayana to jump back to learn the て form of verb conjugation, which is where I seemed to lose it and new grammars just piled on top.

   (This reminds me of jumping into Calculus my first year of college and doing miserably, and then jumping back to college algebra and doing famously. Well, better.)

6. Today I went skating for the first time in Japan, though I've had my skates here for 3+ months.

7. This was my first New Year's (I think???) spent outside of the US.

8. I've not hung out with Miki in a while; she has been removed from my list of potential mates (for lacking the courage to meet me in Ginza for dinner), but I'll probably still be buds with her. I've drawn a painting thing that I'll probably give her soon.

   I judge that I owe her an explanation so that she can choose to better herself if she wants.

9. I have hung out with Yuuko some recently. She's loud and funny and seems more apt to go for what she wants. I kissed Yuko a few times on New Year's Eve night. I haven't seen her since then.

10. janette and I have decided to break up after she comes to Japan in a couple weeks. We'll still be buds though we haven't really defined what that will look like. I'm partially torn about her coming as if it's for the wrong reasons; like if we are going to break up, then she shouldn't oughta come.

    Her POV suggests that we are already broken up and she is coming as a Friend With Benefits and she says she's okay with that. I have tried FWB relationship in the past (Christine) and it was somewhat disasterous. This time, though, I'm much more emotionally and personally mature. I imagine it can work for us.

11. The answer to, "tell me something sweet" is not "like what?"

    Fortunately, I knew this. I said, "I like how clear your eyes are," then added, "when you smile at me." Whew.

12. My new computer battery (obtained free via Apple Store in Ginza and my Applecare Warranty (with which I have been veerry happy)) holds a charge for hours instead of 8 minutes.

13. I've not had the "courage" to bring a burned CD to work, like, "hey guys this is my offering to our musical stylings in the back room," but now I'm listening to the final draft of my playlist and will burn a CD today probably.

    The playlist:

      Homer explains the Muppets        The Simpsons             
      Johnny Ryall                      The Beastie Boys         
      I left my wallet in El Segundo    A tribe called Quest     
      Posse On Broadway                 Sir Mix-a-Lot            
      The Frail                         Nine Inch Nails                  
      The Wretched                      Nine Inch Nails                  
      MC Speller                        Muckafurgason            
      My name is Lenny                  Lenny                    
      Turning Japanese                  Punk Covers              
      Just a Friend                     Biz Markie               
      Pollen                            Mirah                    
      Moe And The Lie Detector          The Simpsons             
      Apache Rap                        Sir Mix-A-Lot            
      Like You Just Don't Care          Si Begg                          
      Particle Man                      They Might Be Giants     
      What Would Brian Boitano Do...    South Park               
      Fish Happens                      S.O.L.O.                 
      Hit It Run                        Run-DMC                          
      Bulls on Parade                   Rage Against The Machine   
      Die Mother Fuckers!!!!            Office Space Soundtrack          
      Roll Out My Business              Ludacris                 
      Back back (gimme fifty feet)      Lil' Flip                
      Rubber Car                        Enon                     
      Jay's Rap                         Jay & Silent Bob
    

    It's just slightly different than the CD I sent to janette.

14. Douglas Adams (apparently) wrote "anything that gets invented after you're thirty is against the natural order of things and the beginning of the end of civilisation as we know it until it's been around for about ten years when it gradually turns out to be alright really."

    As I see the world changing around us at an ever increasing rate, I wonder if I've begun to fall into the after 30 category. For example, I don't have an MD player; though I do have mp3s on my computer.

    Part of it is that I don't buy as much stuff as (I imagine) would be required to keep up with the latest technologies. That's been true for me since high school.

    But then besides just buying stuff, there are online RPGs that are super popular I've heard, but I don't know anything else about them. And I don't know how to use or even access IRC.

    Maybe he's talking more about different technologies as in earth shaking technologies like cloning will be, or nanotechnology will be.. Sigh; I dunno.

15. I have just realized a point of confusion in my brain. It seems to stem from me looking to other sources for guidance. janette has told me that she is money ($) and I'd be hard pressed to find anyone as amazing as her and I therefore believe that and think of ways to make myself get over my judgement that janette is too old for me.

    But there it is; I think janette is too old for me; I take to heart my peers (Frank, in one case) saying rude things about anyone who would date someone 18 years older, and just remained silent when they all agreed to various degrees.

    I think my angels are telling me to make a list of qualities I want to find in my perfect mate. Wende did this some time ago and a cat named Peter showed up (and by cat I mean man (not her cat Peter (and by cat I mean feline housecat (and by feline housecat I mean fat feline housecat (and by fat I mean gentle giant))))). janette has talked about doing this.

    I trust that this will work. My shadow consciousness says "the universe can provide, but can you recognize?"

    I trust that this will work.

16. ($) dammit I don't want to use this phrase in such a serious (+) thing as a State of My Life Address, but I'm going to anyway because I'm dumping out what is truly coming to my mind, like the thoughts just wiggle down my arms and through these keys (thanks, janette)

    I often use the term money to mean good; Frank put it in my brain.

17. (+) Yuuko says I'm serious a lot, so it's interesting that I use this term; maybe there's a lesson in this about acting serious all the time, like life is seriously serious.

    I tend to seek things that bring me joy; that allow me to not be so serious. (I'm intrigued by this word "allow").. These things are (currently): sleeping, having the attention of attractive women, eating. These things have been: YRUU advising, riding my bike, skating, climbing waterfalls,

    There's something in here about proving to others my integrity, or being myself (who is serious(?)), or being the best me I can be. Like being such a stickler for spelling, and for honesty, and for determination, and strength, and health, and generosity, and all these myriad traits that I think are good in a person; I went them all for myself. Not all for myself, but all in myself all at the same time. I want to be the best me I can be, and part of that drives me to monitor my every action and scrutinize it and see how I could have done it perfectly, (right now I'm thinking about how I continuously try to optimize my transit time when I'm traveling between any points A and B) instead of just fucking relaxing that scrutiny and allowing myself to do just whatever I want to do.

    What comes from that is that I'm worried about what people will think of what I do, or that I don't trust myself to always make the right decision. I wonder what's underneath each of those?

18. I want Dennis Church Powerful Loving Hawk to be like, "wow; you're a really great human and I honor what you are doing, and I think you've got a huge potential." I want to look back on my life and be like, "whooooooo that was amazing! Best life ever," and to really mean it.

    I just noticed that there's a fear that if I conquer (interesting word) my current problem du jour, I will have different (and I fear different = bigger) problems to conquer, and I imagine this tends to keep me focused on these problems that I think are therefore smaller cause they are being dealt with first.

19. From all this rambling, I want a task; a list of things to do today. Recently I have not been particularly task oriented; more like schedule oriented. And I've not at all been goal oriented. I want to get back toward goal oriented, Important not Urgent oriented.

20. Goals:

    1. Learn Japanese enough to chat with friends in Japanese.

    2. Have a long term marriage oriented relationship. (marriage? what am I, crazy?)

21. Tasks:

    1. Write conjugation flashcards

    2. Write a list of perfect mate qualities

22. There is something the fuck wrong with my desire around relationships as written above. I'm pushing for something that I don't actually want or actually need. I'll meditate on it.

23. Okay, bye.