Entries this day: Dream Goals Skating Studying a_State_of_My_Life_Address delicious_nap yuuko zzzz

Dream

7:50am JST Saturday 3 January 2004

My dream included a guy speaking to me in Japanese and I couldn't understand him, and then I realized that if I can't speak Japanese, but my dream is speaking Japanese, then probably it's unintelligible Japanese. But as I'm more awake, I wonder if I can access intelligible Japanese.

Yamanote kept coming to my dream. The word in Japanese, not the thing. 山の手

Goals

7:46am JST Saturday 3 January 2004

goals for today:

• go skating with Carla (in progress; I have on layers of clothes cause it's so cold outside, and I have my skates in a suitcase to take to her house. No cool skatebag type thing, whatever that might look like, I dunno.)

• write about it (in progress ?? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^)

• write a State of My Life Address

• clean my room a bit more

• study Japanese

Skating

8:12am JST Saturday 3 January 2004

This is the first day that I've gone skating in Japan. My skates arrived in Japan when janette brought them in September. But the first (!) time I tried to put them on, the buckle broke. That sucked. Twice, Carla and I have planned to go skating (she'll bring duct tape; I'll bring my skates) and twice it has rained on our scheduled day.

The weather is traditionally clear around New Years in Tokyo and today that holds true. Clear and cold.

As I walked to the train station, with my skates in my big rolling suitcase, I noted that in Houston or Dallas I would either drive with my skates to a place and skate, or put them on at my residence and skate from there. The latter was usually my preference. That equaled skate now.

11:11am JST Saturday 3 January 2004

Got to Carla's around 8:40 and replied to 裕子's good morning text; the first we've talked in 2 days then dinged Carla's intercom.

Duct tape worked just fine to hold my skate on. I was a bit worried at first, but I completely had no problems while skating, even doing some jumps and tight turns and all the silly stuff I like to do.

Skated around her extended neighborhood, including the edge of Chinatown where my mom and Jon and I hung out one night. She showed me where a lot of skate video had been taken and told me that Clayton is wanting to edit the video, but doesn't have a fly enough computer to do it. I wonder if my computer could.

(secretly I just want to be in a video / be inspired to make my own video / have access to a camera that can take video and relive the hilarious fun times that Fred, Pete, Katy and I all did back in the day)

On the way down from the backstage of their video lot (which completely describes nothing like what someone else would call it) I gained some speed and then saw that after I turned a corner I would have to descend some big stairs. "Wuh oh.." but I was able to make it down without dying.

We skated near Sakuragicho and near the roller coaster and big ferris wheel and World Porters, then near Landmark Tower, next to which is a cooooool art thing that looks like a hybrid roller coaster / Matrix sentinel / metal snake. VERY climbable. (except for legal issues)

I left my camera at Carla's house though. (*)

---

She showed me graffitti wall and pointed over to a building, "Benny lives over there." Graffitti wall is about 600 meters long maybe and has hundreds of sections about 9 square meters that people have painted. Some sections were obviously old with paint peeling, and some were new to Carla, so probably within a month or two old. Many sections had the former images still visible along the top, as if recent artists don't have chairs to stand on when they paint.

Her favorite image reminded me of tribal face painting of people indigenous to the land where I used to live, and reminds her of Japan.

My favorite looked like a 1970s disco hip hop hybrid guy with big hair and big pants and tiny waist.

- - - -

We shared stories and yammered about whatever we saw during the adventure. Good times.

(*) to the tune of A Tribe Called Quest's song.

Studying

8:36am JST Saturday 3 January 2004

Yesterday in class I wrote hiragana and then kanji + translation on the other side of flash cards. Then on the next flash card the て form conjugation of the words. To study today, I'm going to write many verbs plus their many conjugations. That's where I've been getting way stuck in class. Verb vocab and conjugational prowesslessness.

a State of My Life Address

12:06pm JST Saturday 3 January 2004

State of My Life Address

1. I've been in Japan 9 months and 7 days.

2. I work at Kawasaki Nova teaching English. Scheduled days: Thursday, Friday 1:20pm - 9pm; Saturday, Sunday, Monday ~10am - ~5:30pm.

3. But right now, I'm on day 8 of 9 days of winter vacation.

4. I live in Bell Wistaria in 綱島 with Dan. John, our strange roommate, moved out recently.

5. I have been taking Japanese every week on Friday in Shibuya for some months. My Japanese is getting better. Recently I asked Ayana to jump back to learn the て form of verb conjugation, which is where I seemed to lose it and new grammars just piled on top.

   (This reminds me of jumping into Calculus my first year of college and doing miserably, and then jumping back to college algebra and doing famously. Well, better.)

6. Today I went skating for the first time in Japan, though I've had my skates here for 3+ months.

7. This was my first New Year's (I think???) spent outside of the US.

8. I've not hung out with Miki in a while; she has been removed from my list of potential mates (for lacking the courage to meet me in Ginza for dinner), but I'll probably still be buds with her. I've drawn a painting thing that I'll probably give her soon.

   I judge that I owe her an explanation so that she can choose to better herself if she wants.

9. I have hung out with Yuuko some recently. She's loud and funny and seems more apt to go for what she wants. I kissed Yuko a few times on New Year's Eve night. I haven't seen her since then.

10. janette and I have decided to break up after she comes to Japan in a couple weeks. We'll still be buds though we haven't really defined what that will look like. I'm partially torn about her coming as if it's for the wrong reasons; like if we are going to break up, then she shouldn't oughta come.

    Her POV suggests that we are already broken up and she is coming as a Friend With Benefits and she says she's okay with that. I have tried FWB relationship in the past (Christine) and it was somewhat disasterous. This time, though, I'm much more emotionally and personally mature. I imagine it can work for us.

11. The answer to, "tell me something sweet" is not "like what?"

    Fortunately, I knew this. I said, "I like how clear your eyes are," then added, "when you smile at me." Whew.

12. My new computer battery (obtained free via Apple Store in Ginza and my Applecare Warranty (with which I have been veerry happy)) holds a charge for hours instead of 8 minutes.

13. I've not had the "courage" to bring a burned CD to work, like, "hey guys this is my offering to our musical stylings in the back room," but now I'm listening to the final draft of my playlist and will burn a CD today probably.

    The playlist:

      Homer explains the Muppets        The Simpsons             
      Johnny Ryall                      The Beastie Boys         
      I left my wallet in El Segundo    A tribe called Quest     
      Posse On Broadway                 Sir Mix-a-Lot            
      The Frail                         Nine Inch Nails                  
      The Wretched                      Nine Inch Nails                  
      MC Speller                        Muckafurgason            
      My name is Lenny                  Lenny                    
      Turning Japanese                  Punk Covers              
      Just a Friend                     Biz Markie               
      Pollen                            Mirah                    
      Moe And The Lie Detector          The Simpsons             
      Apache Rap                        Sir Mix-A-Lot            
      Like You Just Don't Care          Si Begg                          
      Particle Man                      They Might Be Giants     
      What Would Brian Boitano Do...    South Park               
      Fish Happens                      S.O.L.O.                 
      Hit It Run                        Run-DMC                          
      Bulls on Parade                   Rage Against The Machine   
      Die Mother Fuckers!!!!            Office Space Soundtrack          
      Roll Out My Business              Ludacris                 
      Back back (gimme fifty feet)      Lil' Flip                
      Rubber Car                        Enon                     
      Jay's Rap                         Jay & Silent Bob
    

    It's just slightly different than the CD I sent to janette.

14. Douglas Adams (apparently) wrote "anything that gets invented after you're thirty is against the natural order of things and the beginning of the end of civilisation as we know it until it's been around for about ten years when it gradually turns out to be alright really."

    As I see the world changing around us at an ever increasing rate, I wonder if I've begun to fall into the after 30 category. For example, I don't have an MD player; though I do have mp3s on my computer.

    Part of it is that I don't buy as much stuff as (I imagine) would be required to keep up with the latest technologies. That's been true for me since high school.

    But then besides just buying stuff, there are online RPGs that are super popular I've heard, but I don't know anything else about them. And I don't know how to use or even access IRC.

    Maybe he's talking more about different technologies as in earth shaking technologies like cloning will be, or nanotechnology will be.. Sigh; I dunno.

15. I have just realized a point of confusion in my brain. It seems to stem from me looking to other sources for guidance. janette has told me that she is money ($) and I'd be hard pressed to find anyone as amazing as her and I therefore believe that and think of ways to make myself get over my judgement that janette is too old for me.

    But there it is; I think janette is too old for me; I take to heart my peers (Frank, in one case) saying rude things about anyone who would date someone 18 years older, and just remained silent when they all agreed to various degrees.

    I think my angels are telling me to make a list of qualities I want to find in my perfect mate. Wende did this some time ago and a cat named Peter showed up (and by cat I mean man (not her cat Peter (and by cat I mean feline housecat (and by feline housecat I mean fat feline housecat (and by fat I mean gentle giant))))). janette has talked about doing this.

    I trust that this will work. My shadow consciousness says "the universe can provide, but can you recognize?"

    I trust that this will work.

16. ($) dammit I don't want to use this phrase in such a serious (+) thing as a State of My Life Address, but I'm going to anyway because I'm dumping out what is truly coming to my mind, like the thoughts just wiggle down my arms and through these keys (thanks, janette)

    I often use the term money to mean good; Frank put it in my brain.

17. (+) Yuuko says I'm serious a lot, so it's interesting that I use this term; maybe there's a lesson in this about acting serious all the time, like life is seriously serious.

    I tend to seek things that bring me joy; that allow me to not be so serious. (I'm intrigued by this word "allow").. These things are (currently): sleeping, having the attention of attractive women, eating. These things have been: YRUU advising, riding my bike, skating, climbing waterfalls,

    There's something in here about proving to others my integrity, or being myself (who is serious(?)), or being the best me I can be. Like being such a stickler for spelling, and for honesty, and for determination, and strength, and health, and generosity, and all these myriad traits that I think are good in a person; I went them all for myself. Not all for myself, but all in myself all at the same time. I want to be the best me I can be, and part of that drives me to monitor my every action and scrutinize it and see how I could have done it perfectly, (right now I'm thinking about how I continuously try to optimize my transit time when I'm traveling between any points A and B) instead of just fucking relaxing that scrutiny and allowing myself to do just whatever I want to do.

    What comes from that is that I'm worried about what people will think of what I do, or that I don't trust myself to always make the right decision. I wonder what's underneath each of those?

18. I want Dennis Church Powerful Loving Hawk to be like, "wow; you're a really great human and I honor what you are doing, and I think you've got a huge potential." I want to look back on my life and be like, "whooooooo that was amazing! Best life ever," and to really mean it.

    I just noticed that there's a fear that if I conquer (interesting word) my current problem du jour, I will have different (and I fear different = bigger) problems to conquer, and I imagine this tends to keep me focused on these problems that I think are therefore smaller cause they are being dealt with first.

19. From all this rambling, I want a task; a list of things to do today. Recently I have not been particularly task oriented; more like schedule oriented. And I've not at all been goal oriented. I want to get back toward goal oriented, Important not Urgent oriented.

20. Goals:

    1. Learn Japanese enough to chat with friends in Japanese.

    2. Have a long term marriage oriented relationship. (marriage? what am I, crazy?)

21. Tasks:

    1. Write conjugation flashcards

    2. Write a list of perfect mate qualities

22. There is something the fuck wrong with my desire around relationships as written above. I'm pushing for something that I don't actually want or actually need. I'll meditate on it.

23. Okay, bye.

delicious nap

3:17pm JST Saturday 3 January 2004

I took a delicious nap in the sun by the river; slept about an hour it seems, even with people talking sporadically around me and trains rumbling loudly by on the bridge every few minutes.

My bicycle slept under my knees, serving as my pillow. My backpack slept between my legs who served as my computer's security guard. My phone was having trouble sleeping and woke me up with a message from Yuuko saying HI.

I didn't reply and went back to sleep for a while and then was woken up by a man singing boldly in Japanese, some traditional Japanese ballad (? I have no sense of music vocab) he sang to the river.

At that time, though it was still warm, the sun was checking its watch to see if it could shut down for the night and I figured I'd prefer to wake up while I was warm than while I was cold. End on a high note (sung to the river).

On the way back, I saw Miho (actually she saw me first) on the bridge; she was going shopping with her mom. Nice that she has the day off.

Got mad at a guy who got in my way as I picked up speed down the other side of the bridge. Realized I was really just mad at the crowded Japanese world. And maybe mad that saying HI to Miho was such a facade of genkiness but no apparent content - no hug, no ... anything but HI, but more HI than just "hi" ... it's just the Japanese culture.

But the nap was still delicious.

yuuko

11:52pm JST Saturday 3 January 2004

Yuuko and I went to dinner. First place was closed and we paid a dollar to get the car out of the parking lot though it had only been 5 minutes. Second place has a buffet that I think I'll visit again soon.

Rented a movie on the way home. The Tuxedo starring Jackie Chan. I figure it's a better first movie than seeing Kill Bill with Miki.

After the movie we talked. She typed something into her dictionary and said I was often "seriousness," which she has told me when my brain goes to mush-mode wondering wtf I'm doing in this situation with a cute woman whose heart I fear I'm destined to break. (janette, I know, grrr; I hate it too, but this is my truth right now.)

She reached into the far reaches of her brain to come up with English to say essentially the following:

"I watched your journal; some I can understand. is your girlfriend mad?" (why did you write about kissing me?)

I explained that I had to be honest with janette. That though I could have chosen not to tell janette, that would hurt my heart and make me cry.

I further explained that honesty and ほんね are really important to me. I said, "please don't tell me あたため," (Japanese for the officially stated position, designed to keep people from being mad at each other). She was really happy to hear me say that and gave me high fives.

Then she dropped a big question. First in Japanese which I didn't understand at all, and then in English.

What do you think about me?

Wow.

I explained that I want to get to know her more. I explained that I want kiss her but I can't because I have a girlfriend. (?) That I shouldn't have kissed her at Hakkeijima. I explained that I try to kiss too soon in relationships. (!)

(!) all this was a good challenge to communicate with 7A English.

"What do you think about me?" I asked of her.

She explained that I was her first foreign friend and that she wants to get to know more foreigners because she doesn't like Japanese; she explained that Japanese hearts are too small. (I imagine she's describing what I call Japanese holding all their emotions in.)

I'm like, eek, so basically you're a virgin when it comes to foreigners. Holy shit that scares the crap outta me. I went back to serious mode.

- - - -

My brain had gone to mush. In the best Japanese I could muster I said basically, "Now, my brain is an eraser." {いま、私ののうはけい しゴムです。}I consulted her dictionary and entered "fate" and she said she understood the term.

I grabbed a shiny gold (color) 500 yen coin (enough to buy a small lunch) and said, "Sometimes, my brain is an eraser. Right turn, left turn, I don't know. But this [coin] knows." {ときどき、私ののう はけいしグム。　左まがて右にまがて、わかない} I flipped the coin. "Ah, right turn."　{ah 右にまがります。}

I recognized I had one serious flaw in my plan. I could not just flip the coin and make it choose if Yuuko stays (to talk) or goes (now). She is a human with her own wants and needs.

"Now, what do you want to do? Talk or go?" {いま、何をしますか。は なします、いきます？}

She answered in English, "both okay."

Perfect. "Okay." (this word is now Japanese as well) "Flower is talk. 500 yen is go. Okay?" {花は話します。 五百円は行く。わ かた？}

"Okay."

"Understand?" 　{わかた？}

"Understood." {わかた。}

I flipped the coin. Missed it and it landed on my leg and fell on the couch. "Sorry." {ごめね}

"No problem." {いいよ}

I flipped it again. Caught it, flopped it hidden onto my other hand. "Okay?"

"Okay."

I uncovered it. "Okay, it's byebye." {okay byebye です。}

I gave her a hug. I mentally hugged my angels. One day I'll be able to say what I need instead of relying on a coin.

- - - -
- - - -

(?) janette and I have decided to break up after she comes here. Actually we are broken up now, but she'll choose not to have sex with me if I have sex with anyone else, so I'm using "I have a girlfriend" as a front to keep myself from kissing and risking going further with women I don't really know yet.

zzzz

1:09am JST Sunday 4 January 2004

I'm reallly tired, basically falling asleep as I eat my snack that I bought from Three F.

My State of My Life entry is not yet finished, and neither is the Yuuko entry, but I'm going to bed anyway.

I got 80% of the list of things to do done today.