Entries this day: Tomoko miki positive_growth

Tomoko

5:54pm JST Wednesday 11 February 2004

Kicked it with Tomoko and her umfriend for the afternoon. He paid for everything which is definitely a sweet deal. Said my Japanese has gotten better since I last saw him. Also sweet. We ate okonomiyaki at a restaurant and I just had this huge desire to be hanging out here with my dad, showing him how they cook okonomiyaki; I think he would just love it. I wonder if he'll ever make it out to Japan.

After okonomiyaki, we went to Tokyo dome City to ride Thunder Dolphin while her man went to akihabara to buy a watch, and for some readson i got the idea that they had been fighting just before we separated. I'm not sure what that was about, and I'm not even sure the were actually fighting, but it's just a sense that i got. I broke the tension that I felt by telling Tomoko about the first time that I knew I wanted (not that there were two times) the first time I was like bang; I wanna hang out with her. (In the voice room one time and when I asked, "do you like riding roller caoseters" she was like, "I love it" in a way that is just burned into my memory, almost, I imagine, like it might be if that *moment* was a signnal to wake up my sleeping conscious brain to remember an old soul friend in this lifetime. Very weird.

She rembered the time as well, though I don't know if with the same clarity. Tokyo domce City was way way too crowded (today is a holiday) for us to want to go tride anything. So we were like no way jose, and called her man again and met him in Akihabara. there he did not find a watch, and I did not find iPhoto software that I want and so we went to ginza to the Apple Store and I got the software and tried asking the guys in the Genius Bar for a way to unsplit the libraries that i split when I installed iPhoto Buddy, but therew's no good way that they know of.

So.. oh so I bougt the software and thtat was all fine and I was like ahh whatever about the rest blah blah brain is gone.

Movies I want to see Lord Of The rings III. somethng with Ben Affleck, Uma Thurman. Paycheck

So then we got his watch and oh, we decided to climb mount fuji together. Ooh I wanna watch Spiderman II. Wow great scene with the car kiss thing.

She needs to know if he has kissed someone else. yah, I know that trick.

So we decided to watch ちかう、watch じゃない、 decided to climb Mt Fuji in the summer. And we'll invite Tomoko and Yuuko.

miki

9:02pm JST Wednesday 11 February 2004

Now I'm in the theater with みきちゃん. We just ate at a pretty expensive (for me) restaurant for 5880 yen for both uf us. And now we're about to watch um, I forgot. Oh yeah Timeline.

Here are the movies I want to see, given the previews here:

haunted mansion with Miki

The day after (opens in 114 days, dammit)

wtf is  Van Helsing?

Hmmm; not a lot of movies that I want to watch after those previews.

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After the movie, I felt like, I can do this; I can live in Japan. I'm doing this. I am living in Japan. and I walked her out of Cinecitta area with her arm on mine and we were just walking and I was just there experiencing the joy and not falling in love with her, but just loving the moment. Loving the situation and releasing it.

Gave Miki a big hug and did not sing "Oh Miki what a pity you don't understand; you take me by the heart when you take me by the hand" after we parted.

positive growth

11:50pm JST Wednesday 11 February 2004

So Timeline was kinda inspiring in a way that say I can do whatever the heck I want to do and make my own destiny. Brought to my mind the idea that time travel in itself doesn't matter about causality because if I kill myself, or my ancestors before I was born, then it's just a different future. It doesn't mean I didn't exist to kill them (or myself); they and/or I'm dead to prove I existed. Causality only matters if we are tied to the existence of this perceived reality.

An idea is forming that includes me stepping forward to do what I want to do. This feeling does not include a sense of loneliness or fear of loneliness. It includes a feeling of destiny, and of the universe providing what I need and ask for. It includes a feeling that I can do what I want, and don't need to worry much about what other people think. I have my own conscious that will pretty much keep me from killing anyone or intentionally hurting them, so I'm not too worried about that. It's like, a feeling that if I am clear in my actions and tell everyone straight up what I am about and what I want to do, then those who are with me will help, and those who are against me will be against me and I still go ahead and do what I want to do.

This feeling does not include a need to bite Miki and Yuuko; it might include an idea of telling them about each other, but maybe not; I'm not kissing or fucking either one, which brings me to the next thing that is not included in this feeling; it does not include a need to kiss and fuck to validate myself, or to get that orgasmic feeling to which in the past I have felt addicted.

I climbed stairs today, not riding the escalator with Tomoko and Mr Sumida. I was like, "whatever; I'm preparing to climb mount Fuji." And I kinda made light of it, not in a way that says I'm better than you, but like, "I'm choosing to climb the stairs and not the escalator."

Then a bit later, I climbed the stairs instead of the elevator. Bang; climb. No big deal. I even learned the Japanese for climb today. 登る = のぼる = noboru. I like to climb things. I like to ride my bike. I don't like to watch TV. I like to write in my journal. I judge that I like to do the things that bring me pleasure and that I won't get pleasure by doing things that hurt people, so I should just do whatever the fuck I want to do and be done with it. Do it and go. Not too many worries about what people will think, or what I *should* do. Just do what I want to do.

This idea has been closely brought by reading parts of _If The Buddha Dated_ and by my conversation with Josephine the therapist and _The Way of The Peaceful Warrior_ comes to mind as a source, but I can't cite it exactly.

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Love each moment for what it is and then release.