Entries this day: What_oh_What html_PullParser zzz

What oh What

10:58am JST Monday 10 May 2004

What am I doing?

Is this valuable for the world?

Is it valuable to me? Will I think, good work, mate when all this is finished?

All what? All this living stuff. Living in Japan. Working at Gaba; writing a student remembererer; wondering who/if/when I should get married; wondering if I shoulda married Wende when I had the chance.. what is it all about?

There's a part of me that just wants my entire life recorded; every thought to be dumped onto this site. I've considered buying voice recognition software so I could just yammer and have all the text appear online. I've wondered what it would be like to not have to do anything but live and have it all recorded. Like The Truman Show.

One interesting point about keeping a journal is that part of the life is spent keeping the journal. Journals can range from "over the last six months I've done a lot of great stuff and didn't have time to write" resulting in a lot worth reading but nothing to read to "I just wrote 'Journals can range from 'over the last six months I've done a lot of great stuff and didn't have time to write' resulting in a lot worth reading but nothing to read to 'I just wrote 'Journals can range from 'over the last six months I've done a lot of great stuff and didn't have time to write' resulting in a lot worth reading but nothing to read to 'I just wrote nothing worth reading" resulting in nothing worth reading and too much to read.

When I reach a point where I'm like, aight, how can I earn a living in a fulfilling way?, my brain seems to think of a few ideas and then want to check out with some sort of brain candy: programming, sex, food. Is there a pattern there worth exploring?

Ought I train myself to jump back to that brainwave that got sidetracked to wanting brain candy? Is it my brain's way of jumping off track when things get scary? Are things scary when they're on target, when they're approaching that grandest part of me?

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure" or something like that.. is it true? Does that fear kick my brain to seek brain candy instead of seeking ways to manifest my greatness?

Even right now I'm like, fuck this I wanna work on the program. How am I to discern what is important?

I'm supposed to be at work in 3 hours. My work experience will be easier if I have this bit of program done, but I don't think I can get it done before I have to (get ready and) leave for work.

I've challenged myself to learn Japanese. My flirting with Japanese women will be easier if I know Japanese, but I don't think I can really learn Japanese before I go nuts hating being alone in this country. So I jump on every opportunity to hang out with women now. Does this help me? Am I hurting myself by seeking external "input?" (egad I'm a geek)

Maggie suggested that there's a difference between something and something else; shit what was it that she said. Something about getting love from external vs internal sources. Really eloquent. And now I'm thinking of spending time looking for that specific email which could take a long time, and I jump to wondering if gmail with its proposed amazing search skillz is available yet (but I "know" it's not; I'm on their mailing list to let me know when it's ready for public consumption) and even if it were, Maggie's message is on *my* computer, not their computers, so I'd have to find a way to export my messages to their servers, resulting ultimately in *not* feeling like I'd done anything productive this day, *and* not even 'finishing' this entry, which would have been a lot quicker in the first place if I could just say it instead of type it.

Fuck. So even now there seems to have been no net motion except to dump a bunch more crap onto my journal, and I've got to start my day (eat, shower) and go to work.

And I haven't even written all that I could write.

html PullParser

6:47pm JST Monday 10 May 2004

Thanks to Fred's input ("You're still trying to write regexes that wade through HTML. Stop that."), I'm learning how to use HTML::PullParser; I need to smurf the source code of one of the reports at work to correctly input the data, but it's a big hairy table, with data in one row that labels subsequent rows, and I need those labels to correctly store the data in subsequent rows.

zzz

6:58am JST Tuesday 11 May 2004

I came straight home last night and cried myself to sleep; I felt really sad after receiving an email from Hitomi that she sent after reading my long blathering entry that I wrote yesterday, where I felt like my life is a big load of uninspiring poo.

Very eloquently, she said, "you should change your behavior!"

Yes. I agree.