Entries this day: Annie_B_chattin Day Olivia_in_Turkey Want Why jen

Annie B chattin

10:31am JST Tuesday 29 June 2004

Annie B OKC: hey rob! its annie b
Rob Nugen: HI Annie B!
Annie B OKC: whats up!
Rob Nugen: Just decided to not study this morning and chattymcchat fora bit
Rob Nugen: I've been *studying* Japanese more than before.
Annie B OKC: excellent!
Annie B OKC: its alot easier to learn a language if you mess with it
             for a couple of hours everyday
Rob Nugen: I had been glossing over it and learning some, but now(past
             week ) I have been putting in some hours each day
Annie B OKC: im teaching italian this summer!
Rob Nugen: You're awesome!
Annie B OKC: thanks, so are you! way to study!
Annie B OKC: how is japan treating you?
Rob Nugen: Ummmmmmmmm
Rob Nugen: I'm getting antsy again
Rob Nugen: I don't know a good way to describe it besides that.
Annie B OKC: itchy feet?
Annie B OKC: antsy time to move or antsy feeling challenged by japan?
Rob Nugen: Well, the feeling underneath the description
Rob Nugen: antsy time to move
Rob Nugen: time to do something
Annie B OKC: i get that all the time
Rob Nugen: time to not have to go to work every day
Rob Nugen: time to have released this belief that I don't have
           enough wealth to do anything I want to do.
Annie B OKC: i say go with the antsy feeling, i always do
Annie B OKC: finish the things that youve started, close things,
             release things, hold on to things that are good and move on
Annie B OKC: thats what i do at least
Annie B OKC: 
Rob Nugen: These are wise words
Annie B OKC: unsolicited advice
Rob Nugen: No unsolicited
Rob Nugen: no = not
Annie B OKC: my friend ben, who just finished studying in paris, was just accepted to Bei Wei U in bejing
Rob Nugen: I learned how to teach the difference betwenn no and not yesterday.
Annie B OKC: we are blessed and cursed with similar itchy feet
Rob Nugen: Way to Bei, Ben!
Annie B OKC: hee hee
Rob Nugen: I've sorta started studying Chinese
Annie B OKC: thats awesome!
Annie B OKC: ben is an amazing person. he just moves around learning languages
Annie B OKC: he owns basically nothing but has such a wealth of experience it doesnt even matter
Rob Nugen: Yah; the grammar is easy; the kanji are not *difficult* in
           that I don't have to learn a new way to do things (just memorize a
           picture) but the speech and listening require a new way to do things
Annie B OKC: wow, im so proud of you rob!
Rob Nugen: Thank you, Annie
Annie B OKC: i have a fear of languages that dont use romanji
Rob Nugen: I feel the love.
9:35 AM
Rob Nugen: Oh mate, .. that's exactly why I had to choose an asian language
Rob Nugen: well, a non romanji language
Rob Nugen: It had to be a difficult language
Rob Nugen: It took me 6 months to learn the Japanese alphabet
Rob Nugen: and that was not studying hardcore
Rob Nugen: maybe an hour a day for 1 week and then an hour per week for some months
Annie B OKC: wow. thats amazing
Rob Nugen: あ
Annie B OKC: i know people that have been studying chinese for years and still dont know it all though
Rob Nugen: does that look like a cross with a loop?
Annie B OKC: nope, it looks like a comma
Rob Nugen: of course; you don't know all English yet
Annie B OKC: good call
Rob Nugen: comma was not my intended character, but on my end it looks like the first japanese alphabet character
Annie B OKC: im thinking about going into translation at some point in my life
Rob Nugen: It's a good business
Annie B OKC: ben and i have dreamed of opening a translation consulting business
Annie B OKC: but i cant see either of us settling in a place long enough
Rob Nugen: If done over the phone, you can do it on the beach.
Rob Nugen: dude! do it over the internet
Annie B OKC: good call!
Rob Nugen: Long as you keep the timezones correctly, the callers won't care where you are
Annie B OKC: well in december im on my way to paris/prague/the republic of georgia/puerto rico
Annie B OKC: then maybe grad school at UT
Rob Nugen: you're going all the way to Texas?
Annie B OKC: at which point ill decide between translation and education, at least for a moment
Annie B OKC: lol...all the way to texas
Rob Nugen: those are the same industries.. well the same brainwaves in ones mind.
Rob Nugen: you can easily do both
Annie B OKC: yes, but i cant get my masters in both at the same time
Rob Nugen: sigh
Annie B OKC: well, i could try, but it wouldnt be healthy for me i dont think
Rob Nugen: silly masters requirements
Annie B OKC: yeah, im not sure if i need my masters to feel better or to look better
Rob Nugen: I get that. You could be like Fred and just stay in school forever.
Annie B OKC: im not sure i can be in US for too much longer
Rob Nugen:  If you'll feel better, that's all you need.
Rob Nugen: yeah; rock out into Europe!
Annie B OKC: i kind of want to go visit some of my old hoods
Annie B OKC: but i think they are all in the midst of war or someother such violence
Rob Nugen: It's interesting when I realize that there are places here that I'll flat miss when I'm gone.
Rob Nugen: oh man.
Rob Nugen: that's heartwrenching
Annie B OKC: it is, i can hardly watch bbc news anymore
9:45 AM
Annie B OKC: tunis and morocco are doing alright i think
Rob Nugen: hold one sec.
Annie B OKC: kk
Rob Nugen: from http://www.motherjones.com/news/dailymojo/2004/06/06_514.html

     On Sunday, the Los Angeles Times reported that, in a nearly
     unprecedented act in our country, 26 ex-military and senior
     diplomatic officials, "several appointed to key positions by
     Republican Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush, plan to
     issue a joint statement this week arguing that President George
     W. Bush has damaged America's national security and should be
     defeated in November." And retired officials almost invariably
     are speaking for larger constituencies within the government --
     all those potential leakers and mutterers -- who fear speaking
     out publicly themselves.

Rob Nugen: His name somehow jumped to mind when you mentioned heartwrenching world skirmishes
Annie B OKC: you know, i appreciate that people are recognizing that
             our country has, collectively, totally fucked the world, but, it seems
             almost too little to late
Annie B OKC: im so sad to be an american
Annie B OKC: most of the time
Rob Nugen: I know dude; it's a nightmare.
Rob Nugen: I'm mad at bush all the time here.
Rob Nugen: I support the peeps in US but not the govt
Annie B OKC: i give up on the whole situation. the second i can move to the moon, im there
Rob Nugen: Me too.
Annie B OKC: until then, micronesia might be nice
Rob Nugen: Hook it up; those islands have no resources that the US wants
Annie B OKC: exactly
Rob Nugen: you can live there safely for the rest of your life, I imagine
Rob Nugen: calling people for translation services
Annie B OKC: perfect!
Rob Nugen: cha-chan!
Annie B OKC: i think i feel even more pissed off, because i travel
             internationally so much. now every time i leave the country i have to
             be sorry for being an american
Annie B OKC: and i didnt even grow up here!
Rob Nugen: Yearg
Rob Nugen: Yeah; it's a pisser
Annie B OKC: ah well. well, i just wanted to say hey and that i am totally proud of you
Rob Nugen: 
Annie B OKC: i have to run and cook dinner. my poor roomie is super sick
Rob Nugen: Thank you, dear Annie
Rob Nugen: oops
Rob Nugen: do well.
Rob Nugen: Thanks for the love; I love you and support you!!!!
Annie B OKC: keep studying it...its totally worth it!
Rob Nugen: Yay!
Annie B OKC: i love you too!
Annie B OKC: bye
Rob Nugen: bye!

Day

1:30pm JST Tuesday 29 June 2004

Just talked to Jennifer about Hitomi. I recognize that I am spending more time with Hitomi than I should if I want to focus more on my books. I need time to write write write instead of watch movies and stuff.

It's more the "and stuff" that takes time.

- - - -

Today I've chatted with Ashley P, Annie B, and Ed. Ed is in Long Beach for GA. Awesome.

Olivia in Turkey

Hey everybody,
Sorry this has taken a while..... the last week has been a very
interesting one to say the least!! Where to begin??

OK first i want to say- Turkey is a great country. Its not a bunch of
religous fanatics who frown when you wear a skirt above the knee. NOT
AT ALL!!! And Turkish people hate their reputation. Especially were I
am now its so modern. They watch cable TV, they sunbathe topless, they
love to party and drink etc etc. OK- got that? good!!

Well the place where I am now is called Bodrum. Its on the coast of
Turkey. Its mostly Turkish tourists, maybe I have heard 1 or 2 British
accents in the last week. Its a real surpise when people find I come
from Australia. All the houses here are square and white. The water is
beautiful bright blue and the hills surrounding this bay are kind of
dry, all covered in Olive trees.... very mediteranean.

Our house is lovely, its 3 floors- I have the botom one to
myself. There a pool just outside my door too. We live nextdoor to the
Grandparents..... they are really lovely. Well they are a really nice
family, besides having two of the most spoiled, undisiplined children
in the world!! Well this week so far I have been spat on in the face,
hit in the face, told he wanted to kill me, and beated by pool
toys.... apart from that they are pretty cute when they want to
be. But for this email ill just try to focus on the positive points!!!

Basically in the day I have been working from morning to night. I
mean, some working time is great. A couple of times we have gone to
this exclusive resort/beach club. Its set right on a deck over the
sea. Everbody has their own waiter and big cumfy matress to relax in
(except for the nanny thats being drowned in the pool!!). They have a
DJ playing chillout music and a bar in the middle of it all. Its a
pretty nice place that I would never have enough money to go to by
myself so thats been great going there.

Of course I have had no issues with the food. I think the grandmas
mission is to build me into a Sumo before I leave though!! There
plenty of sweaty men carving that spinning meat let me tell you!!
Everybodys really friendly and invite you into their restaurant/house
for some tea. I wanted to buy some Turkish delight the other day and
all I wanted was 2 pieces. But the guy filled the bag and then gave it
to me for free...... 'For my love'!!! Now..... that leads me to the
funniest part of Turkey..... the guys!!!

OK- the other night I was just sitting at the beach and a guy started
talking to me. So we chatted for a while and he said that his sister
and her friends was coming for the weekend and we should have a couple
of drinks. So I thought great, some kids to hang out with. Oh
yes.... sould have known. Last night I meet him and of course the
sister decided 'not to come out'. But that was ok, I was just happy to
relax and have a beer anyway. But after talking for about 10 minutes
he decided that I wanted to kiss him and gave it a good Aussie
go..... ummm, no thanks. So I wasnt ready to go home so I got rid of
him and found a nice little ledge to enjoy some Turkish Icecream
on..... next thing I know theres a boy next to me trying his hardest
with his limited English saying 'Lets go to the disco'. 1 minute later
theres another one on the other side..... I thought they were friends
but apparently not.... there was a competition going on! So to make
the most of this situation I thought id make it amusing for me. So I
started making them have competitions..... like saying the most
romantic thing they could think of to me!!! OH- it was GREAT. I
couldnt have wished for anything better!! Anyway, I decided that there
was a good couple of hours left thet I should use so I went to 'the
disco' with the second one and his friend. The first place we went to
was just your average club, but then we changed (Yes Aiko- thats
CHANGE!!) to a Turkish club. Well that was funny. I must say I felt
out of my leauge on the dancefloor and I spent a bit more time
sitting! The Turkish boys and girls have some cool belly-dancing
styles going on!! It was a really fun club and it was nice to be there
with some Turkish kids. At about 4 I finally managed to beat Umit off
with a stick and made it back home safely. If only those guys knew how
Japanese I have become when It comes to meeting people!! Turkey and
Japan are at two very different places when it comes to personal
space. Next time im taking a stun gun to keep them away.

Well I have skipped over some of the details here... but I dont feel
like sitting here talking about boring problems so I hope this email
provided something interesting about Turkey!

Hope you are all well and taking care. Keep in touch ok....
Love Olivia

Want

2:47pm JST Tuesday 29 June 2004

Jen's like, "well what do you want from Hitomi?"

I don't know what I want from her. I don't want anything from her. I don't want anything from anybody. I just want a little bit of money from a million people, and I want just a little bit of love from a million people and I want a few good friends with whom I can have significant discussions. The friends who last longer are the ones that choose to last longer; I can decide who will still like me in the long run. Take Maggie and Molly for example. They are twins. I met them at the same time. At the same moment they both turned around when I said, "Maggie and Molly!" while I was walking behind them with Heather on our way back home after linear algebra. I couldn't even tell who was Maggie and who was Molly. Now I can tell them apart. Now I can say clearly that Maggie is a closer friend to me than Molly. Molly is still a good friend. So is Maggie. Somehow, with Maggie I have shared more secrets and spent more time. Maybe because we had more classes together. We were comp sci and Molly ended up Math.

The point of that is I couldn't have predicted who would be my friend. The point of *that* is lost. Something about distinguishing between different people. I can tell Hitomi apart from every (?) other person in the world, but do I want something different from her? Do I want something different from Maggie? I expect differently of Maggie; I expect her to be honest with me; I expect her to continue being a hard worker at work; I expect her to be happy to hear from me when I say HI (assuming she has time). I don't expect her to make time for me.

It's something about that. It's something about making a priority for a certain person. I couldn't make a fucking priority of Wende. I told her, "YRUU is the most important thing to me right now." Harsh. But true. At that moment it was true. Right now, the most important thing to me is not developing a relationship with a particular person but in writing my books; in generating different sources of income that will allow me to travel. Priorities are in exploring the world, having enough money to go back home for SWUUSI. I would love to go back for SWUUSI. I would love to see Jason and friends in YA. I would love to play ultimate in YRUU. I would love to kick it in Long Beach with Ed telling me stories about crazy cartoon characters I've never heard of.

I would love to play a decent game of Silent Football.

But do I want that from any one particular person? Do I get upset if Ed doesn't have time to tell me a story, or if I don't get to talk to someone with whom I scheduled a phone call? Not really. Disrupted expectations are part of life. Deal with them and have another hand dealt. It's life.

So with Hitomi, what do I want? I want to go to TDL with her; that sounds like hella fun. I would enjoy going to see Spiderman 2 with her. But I'd rather go with Maggie. Maggie is a bigger fan, but Maggie is in Houston of all places! How she ended up there will remain a mystery (discounting full ride scholarship to UH) and how I ended up here in fucking TOKYO will continue to remain a mystery. I'm off topic. So I don't *want* anything from Hitomi; just hang out chat a little Japanese.

But when we hang out and due to certain parts of my brain that have associated happy feelings with being in bed with an attractive woman, I often end up in bed with her and lately it's been great, but is it good for me long term? Not really. It's risky for me long term. We could end up with a bouncing baby that I darn well sure I'm not ready to handle. I want to be a millionaire before I have a kid. And I want to do it myself. A little help is okay, but not to the point where I have to say ____ did this more than I did. It has to be my project.

*I* have to do this.

Why

4:04pm JST Tuesday 29 June 2004

So why do I want these things? Why do I want anything? I seem to enjoy some things more than others. I don't want to live in Iraq cause it doesn't sound like fun; it seems dangerous. I don't want to have kids cause it sounds like hard work. I don't want to do anything that sounds a lot like work.

I do trust that I can find some way to make a living doing things that I enjoy doing. I've come to believe that I can make money writing books. How about I work on a book instead of rant?

Maybe this *is* the book.

jen

2:15am JST Wednesday 30 June 2004

Talked to Jen tonight after work. (Work = 7 lessons, some cool students)

Oh wait, I talked to 仁美 after work for 48 minutes and 38 seconds. She told me she had read my journal entry, and I was like, "oh fuck; sorry I wanted to tell you and not have you read it," but so we talked about it and I was like (in poor Japanese) "I like you a lot and therefore I don't do my Japanese homework or write my books." I just want to be friends.

So, we talked a lot about what was what and in the end she said something really heartwrenching for me. "In the future, I want to be friends, but for now good night."

My heart jumped; I didn't want it to be the end. I wanted to prolong the connection.

Jen confirms what I knew in my heart; Hitomi has retained her power and dignity by making that statement. I'm glad Hitomi said that.

Sigh. I'm sad.