Entries this day: Argh Before_work Grr State_of_My_Life State_of_My_brain Work toms_girl

Argh

9:41am JST Saturday 24 July 2004

I feel fear that I have missed my opportunity to have this fly easier job at Jen's uncle's; I really don't want to work at Gaba today; I could be making more money doing easier work, but... I told Gaba I would be here and I'm honoring that committment. Sigh.

Before work

10:06am JST Saturday 24 July 2004

I cooked eggs this morning; four eggs with 10 yen worth of mushrooms and a decent pile of spinach. In a way, it looks like a giant greened splot of vomit. Delicious!

I've been reciting Eminem's "Business" lyrics in my head after we didn't go to karaoke the other night. Next time we go (if it's soon), I'll be better able to utter all those wack syllables.

My first lesson is at 10:45 today. Today should go by fairly easily save for that other job thing. To the best of my ability I blessed the situation and have (apparently not) released it.

Grr

12:00pm JST Saturday 24 July 2004

First student was okay; I tried to keep a positive outlook. Second student has been a no-show for the first 30 of 40 minutes; I doubt I'll see him. Simon is currently teaching this model, who I've taught one time before (but didn't know at that time she was modeling.)

During the previous lesson, my student was like, "what kind of music do you like?"

I go, "hip hop and Irish folk music," trying to make Simon laugh.

Later my student was like, "who is your favorite singer?"

"Shamus O'Flanigan, the Irish hip hop rapper." Simon laughed.

"Is he so famous?"

"No, he's not so famous."

- - - -

So why is my entry titled grr?

I don't know. I just feel poopy and I hate Japan and want to leave. My mood is hugely affected by the genkiness of my students.

I gotta work on a project of my own.

State of My Life

12:08pm JST Saturday 24 July 2004

State of My Life Address

1. I'm in a grumpy mood.

2. I'm working at Gaba. If I had no qualms about ditching work, I could be working for Jen's uncle right now. Making more money for less work.

3. I want a cool project of my own to work on. There are *many* such projects in my mind, and a few in progress, and I don't seem to be able/willing/happy to focus on one project for any duration.

   What kind of job is good for people with short attention spans? Answering that question could make zillions.

4. My collection of Rody horses and cowboys is down to 9 horses and 2 cowboys. 1 horse should come back with Yasuko when I see her again; she took it to Hong Kong during her business trip there.

5. I was wondering what I want in a life situation. I was wondering about the different things I can do in life. Like things in general:

   • learn
   • teach
   • think
   • build
   • carry
   • relax

   So that's data into my brain; data out of my brain; data manufactured in my brain; making things; moving things; and sitting on things.

   Everything else is just a variant. (except perhaps destroying things but I couldn't think of a five letter version, and I don't want to destroy things)

Where's Jackie Purdy? She knows what I'm feeling now. Lots o people do, but she seems to be a lot lot lot like me.

6. physical, mental, emotional, spiritual... any others?

7. I just want to sleep.

8. There's got to be some ....

9. 8:06pm

   I wrote the State of My Brain entry, and now I'm back to this entry. The point is that I want some kind of feedback about what is the optimal thing to do. My brain is toying around with free will here, and so far, as before, I've come to the conclusion that free will is exactly free will and there is no input, and there are no consequences for our actions. No ultimate burn-in-hell consequences. We just run around on earth doing things to ourselves and each other and in the end, just sit back and laugh or cry about it. No problem. No rejection by god.

10. Uh oh; I need to go back to the brain entry:

State of My brain

4:37pm JST Saturday 24 July 2004

Okay: here is an idea (fleeting)

We do different things in our lives. Some things are done every day, in order to maintain our lives. Some things are done once, and seem to be turning points in our lives. Like there's a distinction between things that make a difference and things that don't. Arguably *everything* makes a difference, but I can't quite buy that they actually really make a difference in a soul level.

Now, does that mean it's the case that nothing makes a difference at a soul level? Or does everything make a difference at a soul level? Or is there a hierarchy? Some spectrum of differences to be made?

I could buy a knife at the kitchenware store for 200 yen, come back here and kill someone. Or I could go to the convenience store, buy a lunch for 200 yen, come back here and eat lunch.

Now, my upbringing says that there is a difference between these two activities. They cost the same monetarily; they take the essentially the same amount of time, but they are different. One is bad; the other is good, or at least not punishable by law.

My heart tells me these activities are different. I have chosen not to join the armed forces because I have made a generally choice to not kill people. (Even so, when I'm in a pissy mood, I think, "I'll fucking kill you motherfucker" when people get in my way.)

Is there a difference? What is the difference? One gets me one meal for 200 yen. The other gets me a month worth of food for 200 yen. Why do I choose the one meal option? I could choose someone that I don't consciously know. What is the difference?

- - - -

This, by some points of view, is an extreme example. I could find many people who would agree with my belief that eating a sandwich is less damaging than killing a person.

What is the actual difference? Behind the masks, behind the systems of humanity, behind the laws forbidding killing, what is the difference?

- - - -

My choice to sit and write this, versus study Japanese, versus read news on google, versus go get a sandwich... what is the difference? Do some things matter?

I posit that some things do matter, and some things don't matter, but I can't explain why.

- - - -

After talking to Jesse about this, I think maybe things matter when:

1. We are aware of our actions
2. They affect other entities

8:09pm

I've been wranting (wanting and ranting) a desire to have guidance, to know what is best. BUT

I have articulated a goal. I had this amorphous blob of an idea that there is an ultimate good, an ultimate goal, but, even if there is an ultimate goal, like climbing Mt Fuji, there are many trails to the top.

So, that means the ultimate good thing to do right now depends on where I want to go.

Which is where, again?

- - - -

So we come back to basics that I've seen before: gotta have a goal before we can have a path to that goal.

So, let's say my goal is to have 3 million US dollars (inflation adjusted, and assuming the US lasts this long) in 10 years.

There are many ways to acquire 3 million US dollars.

Some options:

1. be employed (not likely to work, unless it's a higher salaried job than teaching English)

2. rob a bank (even though it's my name, it's not my nature)

3. start a brick and mortar business that works (need money to open a storefront)

4. start a virtual or home based business that works (getting closer)

5. invent something awesome and sell the rights (possible)

6. write something awesome and sell the contents (possible)

7. sell my body (possible)

8. sell pictures and video of me selling my body (compound $$ yeah)

Okay. I come down to using my brain (or bod) to generate something that people will want to pay for.

(( I have honestly considered many times selling sex online. Sites like mikesapartment and captainstabbin and ideepthroat seem to have found access to a huge market. The last of the three listed is the only one that I judge to have... morals; the site is apparently primarily a couple and a few select friends. I don't really approve of the first two sites' techniques of finding random girls to bang.

So I think, would any of my gfs want to start a sex site? Could we break into the market and make dollars? Which of my gfs would be open to the option? Should I drop my Japanese life and go do it? (heh heh I said do it) ))

Work

4:22pm JST Saturday 24 July 2004

It's almost 4:30 and I'm on my third no show today, which is nice, to be sure, but dammit if I wouldn't be DONE in 30 minutes at Jen's uncle's job, were I to be working there right about now.

8:13pm

Reallllly fun lesson with Sawako. Wanted to merge with her. Thrilled that she chose my 7pm lesson tomorrow.

9:26pm

Bought dried ume boshi for Sawako cause she said yesterday it's her favorite snack. It's my gift to her for choosing my lesson.

toms girl

11:23pm JST Saturday 24 July 2004

The woman who came in with Tom is beautiful. Wow.

I think I met her earlier in the day as Naz's sister Kuri. But, I further think Tom met her at the same time. Lots of envy if they spent the day together and are this close so fast.

But: I know the feeling on the other side of a speedball relationship. Crash!