Entries this day: Before_today E-Promotions Madeline

Before today

11:43am JST Tuesday 31 August 2004

Today I have been on the computer and wondering what it is that I need to do right now to help me get to where I want to be. Do I need to write a list of goals as janette suggested most recently? Do I need to start writing to companies that might sponsor my bicycle adventure? Do I need to write specifications for the map project that I want for my bicycle adventure?

I noted there's a difference between doing something for the experience and doing something for the fame. Primarily, I want to do the bike tour for the experience. I think that's cooler and more altruistic (although I don't really know what that word means) than doing it for the fame. So that means I shouldn't get stuck on calling a bunch of companies to see who will sponsor me and what TV crew will come with me etc. And then I wondered if that's just fear of the unknown keeping me from making those phone calls and emails.

I think the best way for me would be to just do my adventure and use my site as an advertising point and if someone wants to send a crew out, then that's fine.

So what do I do *right* *now*? Sleep? Buy a bike? Study Japanese? Study Chinese? Write a plan for my trip? Take a shower? Plan my wardrobe for the interview tonight? (not *there's* a something I don't say very often)... what?

I wondered about calling Char, my spiritually connected friend. Maybe I could visit a palm reader in Jiyugaoka. Maybe send copies of my palms to Richard Unger and say, "where am I and what am I doing?"

All of those seemed more challenging than optimal. I remembered that I have runes right here. I spilled them from the bag onto my bed, massaged them in a pile then picked them all up: "what is the best thing for me to read right now?"

Thurisaz

... Thurisaz represents the frontier between Heaven and the mundane. Arriving here is a recognition of your readiness to contact the numinous, the Divine, to illuminate your experience so that its meaning shines through its form.

... Now is not a time to make decisions...

Visualize yourself standing before a gateway on a hilltop. Your entire life lies out behind you and below. Before you step through the gateway, pause and review the past... - everything it took to bring you here. Observe it all, bless it all, release it all. For it is in letting go of the past that you reclaim your power.

(From The BOOK of RUNES by Ralph H. Blum)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Things I have done

In order of recall:

1. I started writing a diary in April 1987, after having decided I didn't want to forget the details of a cool week long camping trip I had been on. I don't remember all the details, but they are all recorded, and I remember more of the details than I would have otherwise. I might not remember that trip at all.

2. I started writing my journal online in 1996 I think.

3. I drove my car 11,000 miles around the US before I came to Japan. I decided it would be a good thing to see my own country before I see Japan. I saw several states. I met many people. I regret having kissed a woman in Oklahoma and I regret not having more fully kissed a woman in Ohio.

4. Sally taught me not to regret anything. But I still do.

5. I had great fun seeing part of my family in Virginia. I felt I was on a time schedule and didn't see more of my family. I'm kinda sad about that. (different than regret?)

6. Several times I didn't know where to stop to sleep. I slept on a concrete picnic table in a rest stop in Arkansas. I slept in my car hidden behind some bushes (I hoped) in New Mexico on the way up the hill to Carlsbad Caverns. I didn't think I was allowed to be there overnight and didn't know if I would get in trouble or not.

7. I watched the end of Ice Age on a wide screen TV at Walmart at 3am.

8. I remember Kristen telling me that she engaged someone in a relationship and instead of being caught up in the relationship, she thought to herself, "so, this is what it's like to be in this type of relationship." When it was time for her to quit; she quit.

9. I put together Recycling Day in 1993 at University of Houston. For a long time, it was the coolest thing I thought I had ever done.

10. I was on the front page of The Daily Cougar (UH newspaper) the Friday before Spring Break one year. I was photographed while catching a frisbee under my feet. The picture looked awesome, and I was really happy to have some copies of it. I still do somewhere.

11. Marcel and I acted in a commercial for Recycling Day. We posed as Hans and Frans and it was really fun and funny and cool. During the shooting, when the camera crew had some problems, we were referred to as "talent" in the phrase, "talent can chill."

12. I hit my brother for the last time after I hit him in the middle of the back and knocked him down. I remember being horrified at that moment like, "God, what have I done?" or more like, "what have I been doing [hitting him all these times]?" and I knew I would never hit him again.

    We were near the water faucet by the air conditioner at one end of the back porch. I don't remember what we were fighting about, but I've got hints in my mind that we were fighting about how to properly fill Jedi's water dish. (God, how ridiculous.) I was mad at him and just slugged him in the back and he went splat onto the ground.

    I wasn't afraid at that moment that I had permanently hurt him, but I knew it was wrong. I never hit him again.

13. I spent 3 or 4 years in YRUU as a youth and 4 or 5 years in YRUU as an advisor. I used to dream about YRUU every night while I was an advisor. Always doing different things with the youth; often in school with them at Rice University or some random UU-only shcool.

14. During the mass wedding at Plano Rally, Bryn and I hugged for about 15 minutes, crying as we rejoiced in the fun times we had shared over the years.

    I haven't talked to her in months, but I've heard she went to SWUUSI this past July.

15. I cried at the end of closing circle at my last YRUU SWUUSI. Wende was there for me. So were Bryn and Sean.

16. I owned a house with Wende. $229,900 was our purchase price. It was a bit more than we could easily afford, but the house was *so* nice. We knew we would have it the day we looked at it.

    I was barefoot and in shorts the day we looked at it.

17. I walked around barefoot for 5 or 7 years in Houston. During college I switched from shod to free, and I loved it. Before I accepted a position at Scholars' Community, I made sure I'd be able to work barefoot.

18. I played frisbee every Saturday night with a ragtag group of people that came to be The Saturday Night Specials. The group has transmogrified, but they are still ragtag, and they still play, but not on Saturday nights. Now they are the Penultimates.

19. I spent 6 months living with janette in Dallas. I could have dated married her forever save my concern about our age difference.

20. I broke up with Wende several months before our wedding date. I still haven't really forgiven myself for that. When I visited her during my 6,000 mile adventure west of Dallas, I recognized a few things that had forced me to realize I couldn't be with her forever. I had to drill into my head there are things that won't allow this to work because I knew I wouldn't remember them later. I just remember the awesomeness of Wende's character and what a great person she is.

21. I have received Wende's wedding invitation for Wende's marriage to Peter, who, ironically, has the same name as one of her cats. I have chosen not to go, "because I can't face her family," which is all but true; I really couldn't face myself for having broken up with her. I have considered writing a letter to them in explanation and apology and blessing and release.

22. I have had my palm read by a man named Richard Unger. He is based in California (San Francisco I think) and has an amazing ability. I won't describe the details here, but he told me that I am supposed to do something for the world. And I believed him.

23. My friend Rebecca, a professional psychic (with whom I've lost touch after she sold her store, The Indigo Angel), after hearing my head cracking skating story, told me that while I was unconcious, my angels told me what it is I'm supposed to do this lifetime. And when I'm ready, I can go into meditation and ask them again.

    I got the impression that it was a cool something that I'm supposed to do.

24. My friend Char, who, while speaking to me, would look up over my head (at my crown chakra?) and come up with amazingly insightful ideas, told me, after I told her that I wanted to do astral projection and I wanted to do it *now*, that I would be able to do astral projection and that astral projection would just be the *start* of it all, but that I first needed to learn patience.

25. I met a man in a Post Office who had a great deal of trouble trying to buy some stamps. His hands were shaking and I was like, "wow; I could help him," and I offered to help him. He said, "no thank you; I need to learn how to do this myself."

    God bless that moment as he shared with me that he had had a stroke and that he was relearning how to do all the things that he had been able to previously do.

    But one thing that got me most of all: he said that God had previously tried to teach him patience, and the man never learned. Now, after having a stroke, he was, finally and absolutely, learning patience.

26. Wende and I joined Fred and his then girlfriend in a surprise visit to Fred at his school. It was great. The girlfriend was in on it (forgot her name) and she told me where Fred's next class was. I arrived in class, sat in the back. It was a test day. Maybe the final. A guy asked me if I had studied. I marvelled at how it could be that he didn't know it was my first time in the class.

    Fred arrived and went to the front. I don't know at what point he saw me, but when he did, he was surprised and happy.

27. I went to The Monroe Institute in Virginia in 199-something to learn how to do astral projection. I don't know that I did that, but I definitely experienced a lot of cool things there, one of which was meeting Joe McMoneagle. He said, after I told him that I wanted to take a long road trip around the US, "just start to plan it."

28. In 1985 or 1986 my parents took Fred and I to Australia, and it was really fun. It's one of the first entries in my online journal, and realistically is the first journal entry I ever wrote, at my mom's request.

    I'm really glad she encouraged me to write it.

29. I've gone to SLAA meetings in Houston and wavered at times, wondering if it is a problem for me or not. I wonder if it's like "am I dreaming?" If I really wonder if I'm dreaming, I can be assured that I am dreaming.

30. I have shaved my head. More than once.

31. I have given away my car.

32. I have abandoned a cat named Spencer in a far away neighborhood.

33. I have entrusted my cat named Spot to my friend Jennifer in a different far away neighborhood.

34. I have bummed around through $10,000 in savings while "trying to start my website design company" though I had no idea what I was doing. My work ethic seems to not last long enough to start a company. But I did meet Dude through that experience, and that made it all worth it.

35. I have crept around my own house and van looking for clues to figure out who I am. This was an idea in a book that might be called, Shaving the inside of your skull. That was back in the days I was still driving Mr Van.

36. I have been a DJ at KTRU. I was *so* *nervous* when I applied. But I got the job and it was *great*.

37. I have sung songs on commercial radio station KRBE during Sam Malone's morning show. For these I received free tickets to the IMAX and free tickets to U2.

38. I have called radio stations and been on the air so much that I'm not nervous about talking to DJs on the air. The idea of being on TV still makes me nervous though.

39. I used to be super afraid of roller coasters, and now I love them. I used that transition to help myself get over my fear of learning to drive.

40. Bryn asked me if I'd like to join her in London and Paris. I jumped at the chance and otherwise made little or no preparations for the trip. I didn't buy a guide book for London or Paris; I didn't buy a map; I didn't buy the plane tickets. I paid for mine, but didn't make the purchase. (I think I paid for mine.)

    During our adventure, I tagged along with Bryn who had done all the arranging for everything. She pretty much got mad at me for not having done any pre planning. I accepted what she said and told her that I was pretty much happy doing anything, and I had suspected I would want to go the same places she would want to go to.

41. Kathryn invited me to go to Costa Rica with her. I didn't do any of the planning, and I was a bit hesitant to convert all my travelers checks into cash. It was my first trip abroad as an adult. She kinda got mad at me for not being prepared, and I took the brunt of what she said and felt really bad about it. We haven't really talked since then, although we have forgiven one another via email.

42. I invited janette to come to Japan. I made all the travel arrangements during our adventure in Japan, including airline, shinkansen, and hotel reservations in two different cities. I knew what cool things to see in neighboring cities.

    She made none of the plans, and had no idea what city we were even flying to until we arrived at the board gates. She had no idea we were going to ride on the shinkansen until we arrived at the shinkansen station and had lunch outside.

    I don't remember who handled money, but I think it wasn't her.

    She loved the trip and so did I.

43. I impregnated a woman (let's call her Rochelle) and blew off her claims that she might be pregnant. Finally I drove her to the clinic and spent the day with her and paid for the abortion. When we arrived back at her house I said, "I feel like I wasted my whole day," because there were other things I had wanted to do. Later, after she despised the idea of ever seeing/thinking out/hearing from me again, I explained to her that what I meant was more like, "that sucked; and I would have preferred to have done anything but that today."

    Never talked to her again.

44. I impregnated a woman (let's call her Mary) and didn't blow off her claims that she might be pregnant. But I did say I would support her in getting an abortion if that's what she wanted. And if that's not what she wanted, I would support the birth, though that wasn't what my #1 choice would be.

    After she hated me and loathed me and everything else, she miscarried. That wasn't my plan, but I guess the baby wasn't God's plan. I felt relieved and ultimately she forgave me and apologized to me. I haven't been able to talk to her since.

45. I decided at one point to combine two things I liked into one awesome job. I decided to lead youth group tours around the world. I called a company that did about 20 different homestay programs to different countries over a 2 week period each summer. I thought that was the thing for me to do.

    I called them and they were like, "how much in-country experience do you have?" and I was like, "I've been to Australia for two weeks."

    So I decided to live in Japan, knowing that many other doors would open before me, but that I had no idea what they might be. At this point I've gone so far down that hallway of doors that I hardly remember wanting that job.

46. I used to skate in downtown Houston. One night, which I happen to remember was Thanksgiving Eve, I saw some skaters who looked more like adults than teen agers, but were acting more like teenagers than adults.

    One guy was on his back, with his hands and skates up in the air. He was yelling "roach! Roach!! roach!" and I was like, wtf? and skated up to say HI.

    It's through that meeting that I found my men's group. And SLAA 12 step recovery. And Kim Sawyer.

47. I saw an ad for a job that had crazy hours (4am to 4pm) for a week. I called them and got the job; working for the film crew for Good Morning America during the Republican Convention in Houston around early-mid 1990's. That was fun. And only once did I have to work until 4pm; the other days I got off around 1pm.

48. I cried as soon as janette went out of my view at DFW on 26 March 2003. That's the day I left for Japan. I arrived maybe 20 hours and 2 calendar days later. I haven't been back to the US since that time.

49. janette and I went to Hawaii in February 2003. She did most of the planning for the trip, but she was never upset at me for that. We had a great time and I swam near some great waterfalls. On the airplane, during the flight back, I doubted myself for not having tried to swim underneath the falls. I had to trust that I had made the right decision at the time I was there. But I'd like to go back and try again.

    I wondered about ways to live in Hawaii. At the same time I felt bad for the natives on the island and didn't want to be just another mainlander coming to the island.

50. At my men's group weekend training, I was blessed to have my dad there as a leader. On that weekend, I realized that I was physically as big as he is. It came as a surprise to me.

    "Wow. My hands are as big as yours!"

51. I watched my dad work in the basement of our house in Columbia, Missouri. He built a chair for me on the workbench so I could watch him and he could keep an eye on me. I learned a lot of stuff from my dad about making things. I'm really thankful to him for his help.

52. During my early years through my teenage years, I lost a lot of my dad's tools (wrenches, screw drivers, etc etc). He complained, but he never got unnecessarily angry at me.

53. I rode my bike behind my dad around the big block on which we lived. I followed his every motion. If he served, I swerved. I explained in my own way that he was #1 and whatever he did, I thought I should do.

    He explained gently that he wasn't perfect, and that my plan wasn't necessarily optimal.

    That came as a bit of a shock to me. My dad's not perfect?

54. Before that time, I imagine, he used to carry me on his shoulders when we walked around the block. One day he told me that he couldn't do it anymore, or that this (that) was the last time. That also came as a bit of a shock, but I think I handled it gracefully.

55. I used to hate Fred for copying me.

    Mom tried to explain that imitation is the highest form of flattery, but I wasn't having it.

56. Dave Osborne and I used to hang out together in the hallway during lunch and make up stories and BS about stuff and whatever, and try to tell people things about the candy machine so that we could make money or something. I don't remember what all, and that hardly even makes sense, but we used to spend every lunch hour there. That was in 8th grade, the year we met.

57. When he gave me his phone number, which ended in 1414, I thought he was lying; who could possibly have a phone number that cool?

More probably not to come.

E Promotions

4:34pm JST Tuesday 31 August 2004

I'm a bit late for my e-Promotions thing, but I called and he said it was no problem. I hope I won't be a bit late for Gaba. They won't say "no problem."

5:26pm

Jane scooped me up at Sunkus outside of the station (after calling me after I was waiting for a bit, not sure what to do (call or not) and noting there were more agencies than just mine in this whole operation) and downstairs in this agency I met a funny guy who had to leave before he could have his pics taken and then they got started soon thereafter and photographed some well dressed Japanese men and some casually dressed gaijin. Well, 2 gaijin, including me. Jane has been hovering about and says I'm going to go to an interview type thing in the other room in a moment.

Whoo!

When the guy took my pictures he was like, "first, smile face."

I smiled making sure to squint the eyes a bit and not just smile with my mouth. Then he was like, "second, serious face."

Bang, poker face.

10:06pm

Did the interview; my interview took less time than the guy before me, but I won't let that dissuade me from thinking that I got the job. We were asked to swing a golf putter, and after I putted, I followed the ball with my eyes and did a silent cheer when it sank.

There was a putter, but there was no ball.

Madeline

2:42pm JST Tuesday 31 August 2004

Rob Nugen: yo!
Madeline: mothafuckah!
Rob Nugen: good work
Madeline: niceeye
Madeline: thanks!
Rob Nugen: thanks!
Rob Nugen: What eye?
Madeline: your icon
Rob Nugen: does it still show my eye as my icon?
Madeline: eyecon
Rob Nugen: I switched it to a puppy dog
Madeline: huh
Madeline: dunno
Rob Nugen: but the eye is cool. It's mine.
Madeline: what that's all about
Rob Nugen: what's what all about?
Rob Nugen: What's it about that you're not in japan right now?
Madeline: how do i turn off this sound?
Rob Nugen: I don't know
Rob Nugen: I don't have any sound issues
Madeline: you know
Rob Nugen: like sound effects every time my IM come up?
Madeline: the doodleoo
Madeline: y
Rob Nugen: shrugaroo
Rob Nugen: Options somewhere
Madeline: ok
Madeline: done
Madeline: sorry about that
Rob Nugen: Options->Sounds->Fuck Off, Sounds!
Madeline: what's up, boyee!
Madeline: thanks
Madeline: lol
Rob Nugen: Man I'm in tokyo1
Madeline: what the fuh!
Madeline: are you on your computer?
Rob Nugen: And I'm typing all kinda of shit about what has brought me to this point
Madeline: or are you on some space age cell phone?
Rob Nugen: yes; I'm on my computer
Rob Nugen: haha
Madeline: pretty sweet
1:55 PM
Madeline: is it good
Madeline: or are you crying
Rob Nugen: the phone are fly here.
Madeline: i bet. dope.
Rob Nugen: I'm not crying now but I have cried within 3 days ago.
Rob Nugen: sometimes wondering wtf I'm doing here
Madeline: it's life.
Rob Nugen: and wtf I'm supposed to do
Madeline: yeah?
Madeline: well, it doesn't change wherever you go
Madeline: sooo
Madeline: actually, i was thinking about that myself
Rob Nugen: and wtf will finally "bring it all together"
Madeline: running away to find myself
Rob Nugen: yeah
Madeline: and whether that's possible
Madeline: yeah.
Madeline: yeah
Rob Nugen: It's not possible
Madeline: i know
Madeline: i could just kick myself
Rob Nugen: cause if you run away to find yourself, it just takes time for yourself to catch up with where you are.
Madeline: lol
Madeline: ya think?
Rob Nugen: your self is all like, "hey wait for me!"
Rob Nugen: yeah!
Madeline: I think of running away as meditation
Madeline: heh hehe
Madeline: running away is a clear space
Madeline: where nothing "is"
Rob Nugen: Cause as soon as we're in a new area, we see all these new things that distract us from seeing ourselfses
Madeline: it's the space in between
Madeline: i'm obssessed
Madeline: i know, i love it!
Madeline: that's why i was like, hey, japan!
Rob Nugen: Well then come over here and let's fuck
Madeline: talk about new things.
Madeline: yes. let's fuck
Madeline: all the time
Rob Nugen: Awesome!
Madeline: let's suffocate each other in the end!
Rob Nugen: Yeah!
Madeline: then we can make some charity millions of dollars in snuff videos
Rob Nugen: We'll 69 ourselves to a blissfilled ending
Madeline: on the dl
Madeline: hehehe
Madeline: hey, can i warn you?
Rob Nugen: yeah
Rob Nugen: what? is there some problem with our plan?
Madeline: oh shit, it failed!
Rob Nugen: oh, "Warn" me.
Madeline: no, i meant that little button t
Madeline: LOL
Madeline: hhehehehe
Madeline: wanna "talk"
Rob Nugen: hey fuck fucking with fucking AIM; let's fucking talk about fucking
Madeline: or play "games"
Rob Nugen: nooooo
Madeline: ah, got you all hot and bothered
Rob Nugen: fuckin' right
Madeline: i bet your dick is hard right now
Madeline: it's always hard
Rob Nugen: oh yah baby all for you
Madeline: heheheh
Madeline: stick it in bitch!
Madeline: 
Rob Nugen: This time when you come over no fuckin non-fucking shit
2:00 PM
Madeline: hell yeah!
Rob Nugen: no wasting time with oral sex.
Madeline: we've been avoiding fucking each other for like 9 years!
Rob Nugen: just fucking fucking
Madeline: haha!
Madeline: mmm banging
Rob Nugen: Oh my fucking god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Madeline: YEAH!
Madeline: YOU LIKE THAT?!
Rob Nugen: That's a nine year nightmare!
Rob Nugen: Yeah! Let's do it right now!
Madeline: I know!
Madeline: I'm exaggerating, but ya know
Madeline: it feels like it
Madeline: put it in here ---> o
Madeline: or here ---> ()
Rob Nugen: HAHAHAHAHA!
Madeline: LOL
Rob Nugen: I need to increase the font size a bit; hang on.
Madeline: LOL!!
Madeline: make sure you put on a screen protector
Rob Nugen: Okay. 128 should do it!
Rob Nugen: HOW'S that?
Madeline: ()
Madeline: much better
Rob Nugen: GREAT!
Rob Nugen: I like the pink!
Rob Nugen: Shaved!
Madeline: ()
Madeline: haha!
Rob Nugen: Hey you're not shaved are you?
Madeline: *
Rob Nugen: I want the hair in my mouth!
Madeline: Not today
Madeline: you like that hair!
Rob Nugen: and I want to stick my tongue in your asshole and then my dick to follow
Madeline: hot
Madeline: i want you to fuck me numb
Madeline: da da dada
Madeline: whooptie yeah
Madeline: makin whoooooopie
Madeline: i'll swallow yr dick
Rob Nugen: Hooo boy
Rob Nugen: This is great!
Madeline: and make you spooge out my ass!
Madeline: yes, now you can think about what brought you to this very moment
Rob Nugen: no way, ho! I'm not doing that!
Madeline: doing cybersex with an old friend
Madeline: thinking?
Rob Nugen: spooging
Madeline: or spooging out of my tight pink hole?
2:05 PM
Rob Nugen: yeah that
Madeline: or maybe you want to spoogie into my tight pink hole
Madeline: spooge
Rob Nugen: Into is more like it.
Rob Nugen: not out of
Madeline: hot
Madeline: LOL
Madeline: nice
Madeline: a traditional man
Madeline: i like it
Madeline: 
Rob Nugen: Both holes are okay. My hole is okay
Rob Nugen: but my cum in my mouth hole just doesn't do it for me.
Madeline: i'll stick it in your hole too then
Madeline: ah
Madeline: what are your measurements again?
Rob Nugen: You have pictures, right?
Madeline: yes, somewhere...
Madeline: buried
Rob Nugen: "she had to use both hands to wrap around his huge throbbing member."
Madeline: ah, yes! now i remember!
Madeline: you remember my pussy?
Rob Nugen: Definitely
Rob Nugen: I enjoyed licking it for hours
Madeline: how many girls have you fucked
Madeline: mmmm

Madeline: So, are you glad you left Wende?
Rob Nugen: Yeah overall I am glad.
Rob Nugen: I wrote about that a littlebit today.
Madeline: why is that
Madeline: did you just not love her?
Madeline: or love but not "in love"
2:10 PM
Rob Nugen: Number T in my list:
Rob Nugen: t. I broke up with Wende several months before our wedding date. I still haven't really forgiven myself for that. When I visited her during my 6,000 mile adventure west of Dallas, I recognized a few things that had forced me to realize I couldn't be with her forever. I had to drill into my head there are things that won't allow this to work because I knew I wouldn't remember them later. I just remember the awesomeness of Wende's character and what a great person she is.
Madeline: yeah, that's how i am with the boyfriend
Rob Nugen: So I don't remember what it was, but there were just things I couldn't get over.
Madeline: i keep remembering how awesome he is.
Madeline: actually, there was nothing "wrong" with our relationship
Rob Nugen: But with you, my new hot lover, who I can't fucking believe I didn't get to kiss when you had braces, I'll never get tired of.
Madeline: haha
Madeline: of course
Rob Nugen: So why did you break up with him?
Madeline: i've known you for like 3 or 4 years
Madeline: well
Rob Nugen: do you want to talk about it (The Boyfriend)
Rob Nugen: ?
Madeline: everything was awesome
Madeline: (yes)
Rob Nugen: go
Madeline: but some sort of stupid voice inside just kept saying "break up with him break up with him break up with him"
Rob Nugen: yeah?
Madeline: at first, he wasn't the type of person i wanted to date (not the looks I usu. go for)
Madeline: so I just told myself I'd break up with him in a month or so
Madeline: then i fell in love with him
Madeline: and he is so caring and i've never been taken care of so amazingly by someone, loved so amazingly and deeply
Madeline: i don't know.
Madeline: i don't know if I'm "in" love, is what i told myself
Madeline: I love him so much
Madeline: and i'm really regretting it
Madeline: sometimes i'll be fine
Madeline: and then sometimes it's the pits of despair
Madeline: so much crying
Madeline: so much body racking tears
Madeline: .
Rob Nugen: I know those tears.
2:15 PM
Madeline: yeah?
Rob Nugen: My body wracking tears
Rob Nugen: why in the hell do I have these questions floating around in my head and why can't I just settle and be normal like normal people and just get married?
Madeline: yeah.
Rob Nugen: I've had 2 chances to get married and have given them both up for different reasons.
Rob Nugen: I might have a 3rd chance right now, but I won't do it because there's you frolicking around out there and there's Sally frolicking around out there and there's probably even *another* woman that I might have the hots for someday!
Madeline: o man! so many choices!
Rob Nugen: What's a guy to do?
Madeline: yeah. so many fucking choices.
Madeline: fuck
Rob Nugen: fuck!
Madeline: do you think you've ever been in love?
Rob Nugen: Fuckity fucking fucky mc fuck fuck!
Rob Nugen: our society doesn't know what love is.
Rob Nugen: So I don't know what love is.
Rob Nugen: So, i dont' know.
Madeline: which society knows?
Madeline: how come other ppl can do it?
Rob Nugen: I think the Greeks knew more than we.
Madeline: let's fuck each other in the butt. yeah.
Rob Nugen: they had different words for different names.
Madeline: (gross generalzation.........
Rob Nugen: for different types of love
Madeline: like what
Madeline: do tell
Rob Nugen: I dunno., Eros, Amor, Love, sex, country, brother, mom, dad, babysitter, baby sister
2:20 PM
Madeline: hot
Rob Nugen: "trying to find out about the structure of the language and also aspects of the culture."
Rob Nugen: (that's from a summary of a thesis)
Madeline: nice
Rob Nugen: the idea being that language affects the way peoples' braiins work.
Madeline: your thesis
Madeline: ah
Madeline: well
Rob Nugen: if we don't have words that talk about different types of love, how can we understand them?
Madeline: maybe that's why youre trying to learn so many different languages
Madeline: you want to find the true meaning of love
Rob Nugen: Haha maybe so.
Rob Nugen: I'm looking for a different article I read
Rob Nugen: to support my theory that says English speakers don't understand love because the language doesn't support that understanding
Rob Nugen: BUT!!!!
Rob Nugen: What's more important that talking about what we don't know is talking about what we do:
Rob Nugen: I read about LOVE in the book The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck??
Rob Nugen: and he gave a really good definition
Madeline: do tel
Madeline: l
Rob Nugen: suggesting that we fall in love easily; it's effortless to fall in love
Rob Nugen: and it feels like it will last forever
Rob Nugen: because our ego boundaries with this other person drop, and our egos suddenly feel expanded.
Rob Nugen: the feeling of expansion makes us feel that we've touched the universe and its infiniteness
Rob Nugen: We think, whooohoo! I've found true love this is it mufuka! get out of my way!
Rob Nugen: BUT
Madeline: but
Rob Nugen: at some point, after we spend long enough with the person, we recognize that the other person is not, in fact, the universe, and that we do, in fact, still have our own egos, and the other person, does, in fact, still have their own distinct ego
Rob Nugen: At this point we have a choice.
Rob Nugen: We can choose to stay with the person, to begin to actively love them
Rob Nugen: or we can choose to find another to fall in love with.
Rob Nugen: to actually *love* some one takes effort.
Madeline: and start the cycle all over again?
Rob Nugen: we have that option.
Rob Nugen: to actually love someone takes effort
Madeline: man, i thought i was putting forth effort.
Madeline: man.
Rob Nugen: he defines love as putting forth effort to help someone else's or our own spiritual being
Madeline: wow
Rob Nugen: like actively thinking of what will help that person, and what will help ourselves and taking steps to help make those things happen
Rob Nugen: My summary of his definition is not exactly what he wrote, but the idea is right.
Madeline: man, this is fucking me up
Madeline: or should i say...
Rob Nugen: in a good way or bad way?
Madeline: i am letting myself be fucked up by this
Madeline: both
Rob Nugen: Ah thank you.
Rob Nugen: good to take responsibility for your own reactions to something.
Madeline: it's definitely letting me see it in a new light
Rob Nugen: awesome
2:30 PM
Madeline: maybe i didn't let myself be mature enough to love him
Madeline: but is that "in love" with him
Madeline: how do you account for that voice that i kept hearing?
Rob Nugen: http://www.google.com/search?q=m.%20scott%20peck%20definition%20of%20love
Madeline: breakupbreakup
Rob Nugen: I don't know about the voice, but
Rob Nugen: but
Rob Nugen: but
Rob Nugen: I have the belief that we are guided by our angels
Rob Nugen: our angels' voices are the quiet small voices that are never angry, always loving, always patient
Rob Nugen: our ego has a megaphone; our brain has tons of messages embedded by our surroundings.
Rob Nugen: our angels give us guidance, but sometimes it's hard to hear
Rob Nugen: eeks
Madeline: i wish those voices would tell me what to do now.
Rob Nugen: sorry to state that it's hard to hear our angels; I wish to easily hear my angels at all times.
Rob Nugen: yes, exactly what you say
Madeline: the voices got plenty louder, and then i broke up with im and they disa-fuckin-peared
Rob Nugen: you want to hear what to do right now.
Madeline: yeah, and now where did the voice go?
Madeline: where the fuck?
Madeline: what the fuck.
Madeline: check out my blog
Rob Nugen: Okay, so here you are, without a boyfriend, and without an internal guide.
Madeline: you'll get a taste of my pain.
Madeline: yeah.
Madeline: do go on rabbitangel
Rob Nugen: I read it.
Rob Nugen: Nice writing.
Rob Nugen: Very...
Rob Nugen: accurate
Madeline: dramatic?
Madeline: yeah
Madeline: accurate
Rob Nugen: not damatic
Rob Nugen: well not overly dramatic
Rob Nugen: it's perfect. it's what you feel.
Madeline: i try to listen and translate what it really feels like
Madeline: from body to word
Rob Nugen: I believe we are here on earth in order to experience things, and above all to experience our emotions.
Madeline: well, that's happening all the fuckin time now
Rob Nugen: I believe this because if I stuff an emotion, it will wait until I experience it.
Rob Nugen: in all its perfect glory, it will wait until I experience it.
Madeline: you know what's embarrassing? crying in front of a potential roommate in his house because he asks you why you're moving out from your last place
Rob Nugen: even if I forget what the emotion was about, the feeling is still there.
Madeline: that's true, it will wait and glory glory jump out of you
Rob Nugen: ha. wow.
Madeline: yeah
Madeline: weird
Madeline: i only let 2 tears fall though
Madeline: decided that was not a good time to break down
Rob Nugen: So here you are, with these experiences with you.
Madeline: chin up push through
Madeline: yup
Rob Nugen: Well right now, you can break down.
Madeline: still living in OUR apartment
Madeline: he's not here
Rob Nugen: if you're in a safe place, break down.
Madeline: yeah well...
Madeline: i better sleep instead.
Madeline: i have a job i hate in the morning
Rob Nugen: cry your beautiful eyes out; there is another side to your pain.
Madeline: thanks, lovely.
Madeline: yr lovely.
Madeline: 
Rob Nugen: sometimes we are trapped in a barn, and have to descend to dig our way out
Rob Nugen: to the sunlight
Rob Nugen: you can do it.
Madeline: that's a kiss
Rob Nugen: I feel it.
Madeline: thanks baby
Madeline: you rock
Rob Nugen: I love you too.
Rob Nugen: you rock
Rob Nugen: good night
Madeline: i just feel like there is a rubberband and i want to snap back to him
2:40 PM
Madeline: rrr
Rob Nugen: bless that feeling
Rob Nugen: thank that emotion for what it gives you
Madeline: rar!
Madeline: thats not fuckin easy
Madeline: fffffffff
Rob Nugen: pour love over that feeling and thank the feeling for what it offers you
Madeline: all righty then
Rob Nugen: gifts and gifts are being offered. bless them and thank them
Madeline: i'm gonna go pee on myself
Madeline: much love to you
Madeline: later, bebs!
Rob Nugen: see you sooon
Madeline has gone offline.