Entries this day: AM_fight PM_fight Wende ack

AM fight

8:34am JST Sunday 3 October 2004

Had a fight with Hitomi this morning, which just escalated from such a dumb little utterance on my part; I don't know what the deal is overall, if it's worth it or not. We had woken up around 5:30am and had a great romp and then she went to clean up and I went to sleep. When she came back, I was still in that state of "wow that was great" and wanted to continue enjoying that state. She went to close the window, and so she could get to the window, put one hand on each side of me like she might do to adjust my blanket.

I thought she was going to adjust my blanket, and I didn't want her to so I said, "やだ" [don't/the current activity is undesireable] and it all went to crap from there.

I tried to explain that in the past she has moved my blanket and I didn't want her to do that again. She explained that in the past she had only moved it because I wasn't using it.

I stopped explaining, for how was I to explain that I wasn't talking about times that she moved the blanket when I wasn't using it, and furthermore why in the world would I be talking about such a time when this time I was using the blanket, but I was talking about the times that we had already talked about recently when she had moved my blanket even after we had talked about it before those times?

Nightmare.

So she cried and I apologized and she slept on the floor and it was not what I had in mind for after romp cuddling.

PM fight

11:47pm JST Sunday 3 October 2004

Laid it out with Hitomi; she jokingly likened herself as my pet and I was like, " " because I just couldn't say how funny that wasn't cause it seems quite accurate at times. I tried to look up the word codependent for her, but it's not in our translators, and I can't seem to get an internet signal right now.

Jen and Olivia were like, "you can't just keep stringing her on," and I was like, "I know," and I went upstairs and when I said, "一緒に は難しい" that's what broke it and she said she was going to go home and I cried a lot and she asked me why I was crying and I told her I was sad because I forget what I said, but I told her, but the one I remember is when she was like, oh, I was like, "I can't see you everyday" and she was like, "well, I can't see you just sometimes," so the result would be we'd see each other never. That really made me feel sad.

We've talked and apparently she's staying the night here tonight because it's nearly last train time; I don't know if we'll change nothing or wtf is going to happen, but I tried at one point to explain that I can't give her a list of things to change and then say it will all be good after these things are changed because that would be a nightmare and maybe things wouldn't be good anyway, and I don't know if my point was taken or not.

The most closest we got to a resolution of sorts was when I was like, "I can't marry you; I can't be with you every day from now until 2100," and she was like, "I know," and I'm like, "?" [really?] and she was like, "yah; I just want to kick it with you in Japan, and occassionally say HI in other countries." Wow; that could be acceptable, but there's still this whole deal about each individual leading each individual's own life.

Bewitching hour; I'm done.

Wende

12:00am JST Monday 4 October 2004

Well, it's ironic, but in Japan, the day Wende got married to Peter has just passed. I don't know what time it is in the US, nor do I remember what time they're supposed to be getting married, but Wende is getting / gotting married today to Peter, who I've never met.

I had ideas in my head of writing a letter to her family laying out my feelings and my blessings to her and my appreciation of their being so understanding of my flipflopped feelings. That didn't happen; I don't know if I ever will.

ack

12:05am JST Monday 4 October 2004

Ack.

Possibly,

Explaining my brainwaves to Hitomi requires me to inspect them very carefully.

Maybe that's painful.

Maybe that's why I don't want to talk to her all the time.