Entries this day: AM_Letters_to_Wende_and_parents Hitomi Wow

AM Letters to Wende and parents

11:10am JST Monday 4 October 2004

I wrote this letter to Wende.

                 8AM Monday 4 October 2004 Tokyo
WENDE!           6PM Sunday 3 October 2004 Texas

I have successfully procrastinated until the
day after your wedding.  I hope it
was beautiful and fun and funny and
full of joy.  I hope your marriage
is even better, and grows flourishingly better
each day.

  I had visions of writing a letter to
your mom and Mike (so they would get it well
before your wedding)  I judge they did
a lot of work toward supporting
the planning of our wedding and I 
judge they were....... optimal in their
reaction to my decision.

   Wende, I still
remember the moment I changed everything.
You had come in to make an offer
and I had written in my diary that I 
couldn't go on any longer.  There is a
big part of me that hasn't forgiven
myself for that moment.

  I'm not doing terrifically well in the girlfriend
department here in Japan.  I have a girlfriend
who is more like a pet, bending to my
every whim until she snaps and smacks me
on the arm.  There seems to be no
way to teach her about the
warrior/woman within technique of speaking truth.

   Last night I tried to break up 
with her and I didn't seem to do 
it - she stayed over though I didn't
allow any smooching.  I was like,
[I can't see you everyday]
and she's like, [well I don't want to see
you just occassionally]  [so that leaves us
with never seeing each other] and I cried
because I had *just* told her that my
fear in telling her _anything_ was that I'd never
see her again.

Only God & Peter the cat knows what 
will come of this.

  I bought a new bicycle and named it
TJ Bike http://fraxopia.notlong.com
TJ stands for a word that means [no problem]
in Japanese, so I can climb any mountain, and
traverse any country with TJ Bike.

   My plan is to ride to Hokkaido (the north
island ofJapan) and then to Kyushu (south
island of the main 4 islands of Japan) and
if I'm still feeling chipper, take a boat,
or ride (if I'm _really_ chipper) to Korea, ride
across Korea, and then take a slow boat to China
and progress in that manner (and that generally
western direction) until I reach home. Probably
Dallas.  Or Austin or California or Hawaii.
Riding to Hawaii in that manner would be pretty
cool and would seem pretty complete.

I realized, with some introspection, that this planned
bicycle adventure is partially to "make up for" breaking
up with you.  To make it worhtwhile.  To 
somehow ease the
        ignore the
        block the emotional pain in my head.
Wow am I blocking emotions with TJ Bike?
That's not "no problem" - that's a problem!
TJ, what are you doing?
ROB, what are you doing to myself, you
crazy version of me?

  I think I will always be haunted with
"do something for the world" until I
think I've done it or I die.

   It's becoming winter here in Tokyo.
Rainy for the past two days due to a
typhoon.  I'm wearing red plaid jammy jams given
to me by a woman I've never met, except online.
Apartment building construction clatters on 3 of 4
sides of my block.

           With Love Always
                      - ROB

and this one to her parents:

                10AM Monday 4 October 2004 Tokyo
                 8PM Sunday 3 October 2004 Texas

Mike and Cindy

I could probably sit here for an hour trying
to think of the right way to start this letter.

  Thank you for being such supportive parents
to Wende.  Thank you for being so understanding
when I cancelled our wedding. I don't know
if I'll ever fully forgive myself - I think you
guys had done so much work for us and I
just kept hearing all these plans and just got
progressively more and more scared. Not like nervous
"Oh I hope the flowers turn out alright" but like
"OH MY STARS WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN INTO???"
and I knew I couldn't do it. I hadn't been to
Asia. I hadn't been to Africa. I hadn't even
been to Bryce Canyon.  All of these excuses bounced
around in my head. I think they boil down to: I
don't know myself.

   Thank you for coming to visit us for Christmas
that year.  I'm able to look back now and know
you had forgiven me and we could have been buds.
I was so afraid to face you guys. I still
am afraid to see the extended family. Two of
Wende's aunts made comments like, "Well, you're okay,
but just don't break up with Wende."

  I can't bear to face whoever said that.  I haven't forgiven
myself so it's hard for me to believe that someone may
have forgiven me.

  I just have to trust, as painful as it has
been, that I made the right decision.  I sure didn't
want to add another divorce to the tally of my
family or yours,
(and I certainly didn't want to divorce with kids involved.)
                  Is it better this way?  I hope so.

  The last time I was at your house, I said
I would paint you a big wall painting for your
bedroom.  You sent me the color samples, but I 
never started the painting.  I've even lost the samples
in some safe place in a box in a quiet closet somewhere
in Texas.  Houston, Austin, Magnolia, Dallas are the likely places.
I think it would be inappropriate for me to paint
it now. I can't be part of your life in that 
way... but I want you to know I never forgot.
I just didn't paint.

   I hope your lives are filled with joy and
even more beautiful paintings, literal & figurative.

             Love peace respect
                      - ROB

Hitomi

1:19pm JST Monday 4 October 2004

Jen bitched me out (as a friend) for not having been more firm with Hitomi last night: letting her stay over. I tempered my desire to break something in the kitchen where we were talking and listened. I squeezed through the fourth gap in the banister support bars on the way upstairs and Hitomi happened to be calling me at that time.

She was like, "HI" and I was like, "HI" and then I was like, "you can't come over; you can't stay over; you have to get your stuff" (in English and Japanese) and she was like, "why?" and I was like, "I need my space" and [it's my room] and "I need my space"

And she was like, "you don't like me?"

Aw god, not that one, and I'm like, "it's not that; I need my space; I can't see you every day"

and even though I was telling her you have to go home tonight and you can't stay over tonight she was like, "no" and "I will come over and we won't fight" and I'm like, "you're codependent; I'm codependent; we can't do this anymore" and she was like, "well I'll see you tonight" and I'm like, "if you come over you cannot stay" and "if you come over, I will not be here."

This is nutso.

I translated a page defining codependent and emailed it to her. But even if she agrees that she is that, I don't think the page said that codependency is an non-optimal trait.

3:30pm

We talked and she agreed to not come to my house tonight, apologizing for having said "やだ" to my requests above. She was like, "now I understand you [after talking last night] we won't fight anymore." and I'm like, that's the most codependent thing I've ever heard in my entire life, which while not necessarily true, it does seem like a pretty silly thing for her to believe.

Wow

2:13am JST Tuesday 5 October 2004

Hitomi is out. She gets big points by sucking it up and getting all her stuff out tonight. She called a friend with a vehicle and I didn't have to worry about any of it. Good job, her.

Jen has been good support, but I wanted to yell at her this morning when she was like, "you have to be more direct; you have to be a man."

Grrrr.

- - - -

I just found out that my close friend Sally almost received a visit from death. I'm glad she was able to avoid it. Wow. I'm really glad.

It's cold and pooey and I am alone.