Entries this day: Work fight_with_Hitomi weird_in_my_head

Work

3:28am JST Monday 13 December 2004

So tired at work on Sunday. Slept during every conceivable break. Jen ran some quintarks for me, thank goodness (and thank Jen).

Even a genki drink didn't do much for me.

fight with Hitomi

2:55am JST Monday 13 December 2004

We've worked through it, but earlier (8pm-ish), Hitomi and I had a disagreement of sorts. Basically seems to be resulting from cultural differences; she has been encouraged to keep her emotions private, and I am encouraging her to tell me what's going on inside.

Unfortunately, (and in part, ironically, because I have not been trained to keep my emotions restrained,) I ripped one of my good shirts (the blue Lead with a circle making it look like CLead shirt from e-Loyalty, given to me by the cute-voiced Kristen while I worked at FSD) in an embarassing outrage after I thought Hitomi wasn't listening to my reasoning, but just repeating her previous statements.

I am sure that in 10 years, the above will be meaningless to me, so I'll spell it out briefly.

I was tired when I arrived home (despite having slept while at work and on the train on the way back).

I had told Hitomi I would make plans with her for our trip to Hokkaido.

Despite my tiredness, I still wanted to honor my plan.

Hitomi, seeing that I was tired, was like, "please sleep."

I was like, "no; I said I would plan with you; let's do it."

We planned, and I was like, thank you and (going too far for my own sleepy-good) offered to take her to dinner as thanks. (She had said she was hungry a couple times during our planning.)

She was like, "please sleep."

I was like, I am offering to take you to dinner, "please sleep" is not an answer to that.

It looked like I was not going to be awake much longer, so I was brushing my teeth and realized that we were each not taking good care of ourselves. I needed to sleep and she needed to eat.

I came back, and was like, "how about I sleep and you go eat?"

When she said, "please sleep," in the same manner as previously, I lost it. I ripped off my shirt in my own little Hulk imitation and, because the cuffs were buttoned, used my foot to pull it free of both wrists, then, being in a good position to rend it in two (even though part of my brain was like, hey man, this is a nice shirt; don't mess it up,) I tried to rip a sleeve entirely off, but just ended up hurting my left middle finger.

I was like, "you have to get out now; I'm going to kill you; I hate you," and she was like, [how can I help? what's wrong?] for she was surprised by my outburst.

I was like, "get out," and she realized *that* is how she could help, and she was in the process of leaving and I started to cry for my finger and shirt. She thought I had started crying because she was leaving, when actually I had started crying because her leaving gave me the space I wanted to cry. So Hitomi came back again, [what's wrong? how can I help?]

Through gasping sobs I could only say, "you have to get out," cause I couldn't explain that I was only crying and upset more because she was here trying to help me when I could only see that as codependency arg arg arg arg

She left; I cried; I slept; she came back with food; we slept; we woke up; talked it all out.

- - - -

How interesting to note that she had bought a shirt for me today *before* my outburst.

weird in my head

3:25am JST Monday 13 December 2004

During out working through the problems, I tried to put words on thoughts of weird things happening in my head. I was tired and couldn't tell if they were nonsensical dream-ish whisps of ideas or actually something interesting, or just lack of Japanese vocabulary slash cultural awareness that made things look weird.

hopeful idea that I'll be able to pin down the weirdness and emote some genius calibre statement.