Entries this day: Dream Hitomi OM bourne_identity depressed rage

Dream

7:24am JST Saturday 18 December 2004

I was supposed to meet Tammy at an airport one night, but I had no way to get in touch with her. I just had a generic train ticket, but had no way of knowing where she woudl be. I wandered around a huge terminal five stories spacious and at least as wide as that height suggested with little patches of people all around the perimeter at various ticket counters and things. I wondered about ways to use my ticket to pedict where Tammy would be or to contact her in some way, but I could think f nothing, so I was just stuck with brute force looking for her, not even systematic searching.

I went outside to the parking lot and looked for her truck, but I only found stacks of new 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005 pickup trucks and trailers, all shiney and clean, all different sizes and colors. Maggie was with me, since she has a sense and a genius about these things. We chatted and gossipped a lot, but didn't find Tammy before I woke up.

Hitomi

11:06am JST Saturday 18 December 2004

I think Hitomi must be really mad at me. She said she did not want to meet me on Sunday. I'm glad for her sake that she is finally putting her foot down on something. I wonder if we are done.

OM

12:04pm JST Saturday 18 December 2004

Been jammin' to Eminem's _Encore_ on my new CD player that I bought to check out the Gateway CDs. It's interesting to detach myself even more fully from the society in which I'm walking. It's not like I'm ever really connected, given that I really can't understand anyone around me. The headphones just clinch the deal: I'm not listening to you. Or you.

Maybe. Right now the headphones are on my head, but the music is off. Weird.

bourne identity

9:13pm JST Saturday 18 December 2004

Just watched _Bourne Identity_ with Satoko, who has seen _Bourne Supremacy_, which is not yet out in Japan, but hadn't seen _Bourne Identity_ yet.

depressed

12:48am JST Sunday 19 December 2004

It's just an overall depressed feeling that I seem to be feeling tonight; today I wanted to cover it by sexing Satoko or Hitomi or going out with Richard et. al. or listening to Eminem in my headphones at full volume.

I relented and let Hitomi come over tonight even though I knew I really needed to cry and sleep. While waiting for her, I was in the living room hanging out with peeps down there and wanting that to continue forever, but I couldn't go while waiting for Hitomi, so I felt really conflicted; I had told her yes, and therefore had to tell them no, but it was a bit worse feeling cause I thought they were just going to somewhere in Motosumiyoshi (but it turns out they went to somewhere far away, where I couldn't have gone anyway (and realistically worked tomorrow)) and I had just missed the chance by a couple of minutes because by the time I realized what was happening in my head, hey, actually, I *do* want to go with them, they had already gone.

Caesar wanted to go with them, too, and he doesn't have to work tomorrow, so I'm sure that stungified too, when he found out that they had forgotten to wait for him.

God it's just such petty shit; what is underneath all this? Do I just reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly miss home?

I typed all those l's individually. One l-key press per l.

- - - -

I was really proud of myself for kicking Satoko out before I started kissing her, and then bang I let Hitomi come over. What an idiot I seem to be.

rage

2:35am JST Sunday 19 December 2004

I lost my shit when Hitomi said my Japanese speaking skills are shit because I've been speaking so much English in Japan. I fucking know and I fucking feel like I've wasted 2 fucking years in this fucking country I fucking hate; thank you for rubbing it in my face.

I flipped my plastic chest of drawers over in a nice 360, spraying shit everywhere. Somehow, magically, thankfully, my glasses weren't broken, my CD player wasn't broken, my headphones weren't broken, the DVD I rented today wasn't broken, and the pushpins didn't come out of their box even though it was already broken.

その後日本語で話した。よかった。