Entries this day: A_Merry_Christmas_Stalking Text_messages bye_Hitomi gateway_data

A Merry Christmas Stalking

7:42am JST Saturday 25 December 2004

Well.

I didn't get a full night's sleep, but I got a gift, if I c (*)

9:23am

(*) my computer battery died at that point. My computer battery sucks.

Also at that point, Hitomi demanded to know why I hadn't said anything to her.

It's cause I was fucking pissed to have been kept up so long, when I had planned to take care of myself.

- - - -

- - - -

Between 2am and 7:42am, she spent an hour or so on top of me, allowing the bright light to pierce my left eye, reflecting all my worst parts back to me:

((( While at Universal Studios Japan, I shared with Hitomi one of my skeletons: the base driving force in my life, the rule that guides every decision: I seek affirmation from women. I want to be mommy's good boy. I want to be loved. )))

"You like many women, don't you? You'll never change, will you?"

And then with mock affection, caressing my cheeks, "you're a good boy, aren't you? いい子　いい子、ね"

"_____ said she knows you have a girlfriend, but she likes you, right?"

Very interesting that Hitomi could know that. _____ sent me a text message; did Hitomi read my messages? I asked her how she knew. She said she guessed it; she's not an idiot. Do I think she's an idiot? etc.

That whole mess lasted about an hour, until she was (her arms were) finally too tired to hold herself up and she fell asleep.

- - - -

Four hours later, my alarm went off. I wasn't happy to have gotten so little sleep. I didn't talk to her, and that's when she grabbed the waistline of my pants when I sat on the futon to put my socks on. I couldn't get up and I demanded to know wtf she wanted.

"話したい" [I want to talk.]

I checked my clock. Five minutes until 8am. I'm leaving at 8am.

I was like, "I'm fucking pissed at the way you presented your information last night. I'm thankful overall to know how you feel, but I specifically came home last night to sleep and take care of myself. You came in here, you unlocked my door and came in here."

It became 8am, and I left. I was like, "you can fucking stay here and do whatever the fuck you want, apparently. Destroy the place if you want; I don't care."

I stormed out; went downstairs; unlocked my bike; went back upstairs.

"I forgot my bag."

Text messages

Christmas Saturday 25 December 2004

Hitomi to me:

10:16am  今、電話OKですか？  [Can I call you now?]

Me to Hitomi:

10:23am No.  Not today.

bye Hitomi

9:23pm JST Saturday 25 December 2004

Hitomi waited for me all day, stewing and chiding herself for her behavior. She apologized profusely, but I refused to give her a second chance to be more than a friend. I was like, "if we can be friends and have no problems, then maybe we can do more," and "don't call me; I'll call you."

I cried as I left her to clean her stuff out.

Chatted with Olivia, Jen, Aiko, Tetsuya while watching a crap Wild River movie with one of the Bacon brothers killing people and trying to get down the river.

gateway data

9:26pm JST Saturday 25 December 2004

CD/track             Wave I / Discovery 3: Advanced Focus 10
body position        flat on back with legs bent
CD player            Panasonic SL-CT510
headphones           Audio-Technica ATH-T3
ambient temperature  17 C and rising
clothing             underwear, white T-shirt, red shirt with collar
working nostril(s)   both, barely
emotional state      calm, wide awake
physical             tight back muscles
head                 fine
stomach              happy
pain/soreness        left middle finger
phone/door	     off/locked
time allowed	     all night
ambient light	     nearly none
ambient noise	     nearly none
date/time            9:28pm JST Saturday 25 December 2004
location	     Millenium House, room 20

10:07pm

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.