Entries this day: Forgot Gateway_data1 Mr._Self_Destruct Really_hot_water Sleeping_aid gateway_data2 sadness

Forgot

10:47am JST Thursday 13 January 2005

Crap.

I have complained bitterly about people forgetting or not keeping their appointments. Get a calendar I've said.

I have missed two appointments in the last week. Sunday night and this morning.

I can't say I forgot, well I can, but I can't use that as the excuse; I continually forget every appointment; I use my calender as my brain. (there's a good target for self growth..) I looked beyond that and see two things: 0) these were two appointments that had been weekly, but were disrupted by the holidays. 1) I've stopped properly using my calendar.

Both appointments were in there. Oh, there's one other thing that I daren't say on here. I didn't really want to go to either one. Sunday night I have to seem interested while speaking 1 mile per hour, and Thursday morning is Chinese-English exchange. (I've already blown off one of my C-E exchange partners (S.W. who I would meet monthly in Yoyogi), though in that case I did it by simply not scheduling another meeting (after she cancelled ours) and when she texted me back to plan another I was like, "I've basically lost interest." She never wrote back, though on a secret level, I wanted her to try to encourage me.)

- - - -

Oops; I almost got distracted.

Okay, as I look down the path that starts with "begin making your life more fulfilling in Japan," my brain answers, I don't want to live forever in Japan. I'm ready to go.

Gateway data1

12:03pm JST Thursday 13 January 2005

CD/track             Wave III / Freedom 4: Five Questions
body position        flat on back with legs bent
CD player            Panasonic SL-CT510
headphones           Audio-Technica ATH-T3
ambient temperature  20 C
clothing             socks, red flannel pants, GAP hoodie, Hitomi-knit cap
working nostril(s)   right
emotional state      calm
physical             tight back muscles from typing on laptop
head                 tiny bit headachey from typing on laptop
stomach              fine
pain/soreness        ouchy back
phone/door	     off/locked
time allowed	     hours
ambient light	     daylight through curtains
ambient noise	     construction noise outside my window
date/time            12:17pm JST Thursday 13 January 2005
location	     Millenium House, room 20

12:58pm

Once I actually lay down, I noticed my left nostril was working moreso than my right. They switched. Really.

I fell asleep for parts of that one. I kept having a persistent dream type thing where someone was talking and I kept being distracted by that. I wonder now if that was the message, but I remember it as being nonsense the person was saying.

For short periods, my brain would be well awake and my body asleep, but they didn't last long. A couple of times I felt vibrationally and once I felt like I was floating, but not quite like what I would expect as an astral projection. Floating, but not in my room, more like out (of this world).

Mr. Self Destruct

1:19pm JST Thursday 13 January 2005

Today I seem to be stuck in my room with a pile of laundry asking to be done, but me not wanting to do it because it seems a useless task since we are not blessed with hot water in our laundry machines. For over a year, I've washed my clothes only in cold water. (A couple of times in Bell Wistaria I used the shower hose to fill the laundry machine, but there's no hot water easily available at these laundry machines. I could get a couple of pots and do it that way. I think I'll do that.

Before writing the above paragraph, I had been stuck just eating chocolate and wanting to orgasm; my two drugs. MMmmmmm.

Really hot water

1:51pm JST Thursday 13 January 2005

Nice. I got two buckets and did a lone fire brigade to get steaming burning hot water from the shower room to the laundry room. Wasn't even too much effort for all that lovely hot water. Good skills.

Sleeping aid

4:24pm JST Thursday 13 January 2005

I've devised an effective way to turn on and off my light without getting out of bed. This will let me read until I nearly fall asleep.

I hook my Mt Fuji walking stick to the end of the light switch string. The stick can be pressed down gently to trigger the switch.

gateway data2

4:26pm JST Thursday 13 January 2005

CD/track             Wave III / Freedom 5: Energy Food
body position        flat on back with legs bent
CD player            Panasonic SL-CT510
headphones           Audio-Technica ATH-T3
ambient temperature  20 C
clothing             socks, red flannel pants, red shirt, GAP hoodie, Hitomi-knit cap
working nostril(s)   right
emotional state      calm, a bit depressed
physical             tight back muscles
head                 fine
stomach              happy
pain/soreness        lower back and shoulders
phone/door	     off/locked
time allowed	     38 minutes
ambient light	     daylight through curtains
ambient noise	     ample construction noise outside my window
date/time            4:31pm JST Thursday 13 January 2005
location	     Millenium House, room 20

5:13pm

I slept through a lot of that.

sadness

11:03pm JST Thursday 13 January 2005

After Hitomi helped me study, I gave her a ride toward Musashi-kosugi station. I was like, [which is better, kosugi or motosumiyoshi?] and she goes, [your room].

It felt like a mental stab wound. Ah. *that's* why you offered to study with me. You hoped to spend the night in my room. I felt trapped between taking care of myself and taking care of this super cute sad little puppy that just wants a place to stay.

I was like, "Hitomi....." as several things went through my head at once. I want to be sleeping at 11:30pm. I am too full to eat the pudding that you bought. If I am kept awake by you flipflopping around in bed I will want to kill you and not go to Hokkaido with you. It's not fair that I have to explain why I want to sleep alone in my room. It's my room. I'm paying for it. Done.

I put my head down on my hands crossed on the handlebars and started to cry. Sloppy tears gushing onto my glasses and snot pouring onto the street. Why are you doing this to me? Why am I letting you do this to me? Why am I doing this to myself? Why are we doing this?

She tried to clarify that only if I wanted to have her over did she want to come over.

"No; that is not what you said. I said, 'Kosugi or Motosumiyoshi' You said 'heya'" (heya means room) "I didn't offer my room" I want to sleep alone tonight.

I think she got the picture after that, but, though this is the third time we've had this exact dynamic of me literally crying and saying "I need my space; please go away," and she staying because I'm crying, she stayed.

me: "Musashi-kosugi des."

she: "hai."

me: "okay, byebye."

she: continued holding my hand.

The more we have this kind of problem, the more I will never try to talk to you again.