Entries this day: Airplane_Day OM nutty_night

Airplane Day

1:39pm JST Sunday 27 February 2005

My brother and I call it Airplane Day. But, there is a problem. I know it's old news and all that and maybe everyone knows already, but I don't see that a 757 hit the Pentagon.

source: SpaceImaging.com

This picture is from Space Imaging's Airplane Day series, and I must say, there is no hint of an airplane in the wreckage.

I just scanned through Google's results of "hit the pentagon" 2001

physics911.ca/modules/news is a good primer. This is wack.

For the record, Snopes says otherwise, but, in this case, I don't believe them.

Simon (DJ Shamus O'Flannigan) from Gaba sent me this.

OM

3:17pm JST Sunday 27 February 2005

Oh man.

Jen and I have done everything perfectly yesterday and today. And childishly hedonistic OM had the impression that it would benefit somebody (him) to accuse us of not having done a good job because we couldn't see a number that paid professionals couldn't see.

Yes, I know I have not given any details of this job, but suffice to say he is not on my Christmas list. I would quit now but that would leave my friend Jen in a quandry to find someone else and I want the money, but .... man, OM. I hope you're enjoying your vacation.

nutty night

10:35am JST Monday 28 February 2005

Met Hitomi last night and went to one of Tokyo's countless countless love hotels. It seemed she was not in a good mood, and I surmised it was from something she read here, but she wasn't talking.

It came out after we came. She told me that she didn't appreciate the way I've been treating her. I go out with other women (no sex, though) and Hitomi doesn't like it. I've known she doesn't like it and I've talked about it with Jen for hours on end (gotta do something at work).

Hitomi pretty much let me have it and I just fell into an infinite (countably infinite) pit of despair, like "I am a horrible person" "why would you ever want to talk to me much less by close to me" slash "don't touch me get away from me" "I just want to be alone."

I basically finished crying and was ready to watch the rest of the tsunami documentary on NHK (public TV) and I put on my glasses and sat back to watch. I could see a bit of fog on the left lens of my glasses and Hitomi saw me and laughed a bit. I apparently wasn't emotionally ready for that and was like, why are you laughing at me? I still feel like a horribly shitty person. and I ripped off my Japanese style bathrobe (literally ripped the two tie strips from the fabric) and headed for the solitary sanctuary of the bathroom and gooshed into the rather large bathtub in which water remained, just a bit cooler than before.

I was just blubbering crying disgusting snotty tears gushing. She slammed the bathroom door shut and I was almost happy with the idea she had left me alone in the hotel, so I could just cry and take care of myself. (that's all I want, really) but a few minutes later, she came in though I was still crying and still wanted to be alone.

We had a miscommunication (she was explaining why she had laughed [I laughed because] and I was still crying and she thought I was saying something and had interrupted her and she said, [what?] and I said, [nothing] which I think she thought I was implying the end of her sentence ("I laughed because" "nothing (who cares why you laughed?)") but I just meant, "I was not interrupting you, please continue (even though I want to be alone; can't you see???? why do you think I came in here to cry?)") which is not surprising since we can hardly talk about real stuff when I'm not gasping through tears and she left again, leaving me contendedly gasping for breath and just having a good cry.

Then soon came back in and got into the tub with me.

(This is not my idea of being alone. Just my opinion, but:) Jeezus what are you fucking doing? I already told you I don't want you to touch me and that includes not wanting you nakedly lying on top of me in the bathtub!

I had been happy in the water just as it was, just a bit cool and slowly filling with my snot and tears. She turned on the hot water to warm up the tub I was happy with the water the way it was! and opened the drain to let my cool water whoosh out, subsequently reducing her bouyancy and crunching more heavily nakedly on me and I was like, get the fuck off of me and gently rearranged us so she was sitting on that side of the tub but then my legs fell over toward the (super) hot water and she was like, "be careful!" leave me the fuck alone! if I want to scald my leg, I can do it; let me indulge in a bit of self destructive behavior, aight?

She turned on the jaccuzi to whoosh the water around to redistribute its heat and that just put me over the edge, but not into anger/pain/sadness, but into peace. Through my infinite tears, I somehow remembered that there is more to this situation. I am an infinite soul having a human experience and I just felt the water become cooler on my right and warmer on my left, and noticed Hitomi was only doing what she thought best, and allowed myself to cry. Crying crying crying and then without warning, I just inhaled for the next expulsion, and just stopped. Like the crying switch had been turned off.

I was a bit surprised. I just sat there in the moment and felt the moment and everything seemed fine. Usually I stop crying consciously (in my men's group, or whereever else) but this time I was specifically in the tub and specifically had all night; this was my space and I wasn't going to let any bathtub visitors stop me. but it just stopped.

I lay my head to one side relaxing in the tub and went through a little series of forgivings.

I forgive myself for judging myself bad.

I forgive myself for judging myself... bad. (I couldn't seem to think of more interesting words.)

I forgive myself for judging myself .. .. bad.

I forgive myself for judging myself hurtful.

Hitomi asked if we could talk and I was like "not yet."

I forgive myself for judging myself unable to talk.

And so it went for a few minutes.

Then I was like, "テレビの後話せます。" meaning "after we watch [the tsunami show on] TV we can talk."

Got out of the tub and piled onto the bed. Saw a few tsunami clips I hadn't seen before and some before / during pictures to show how deep the water was.

We talked after watching the rest of the tsunami documentary.

I'm leaving out the part about how we made up and both agreed we were fools for doing this to each other.

She said amidst tears, [when you leave in May, I'm going to miss you.]

[I'm going to miss you too.] more tears.

oh man what a weird choice I have chosen.

I told her that I'm making a muffler for her.

"Thats's the secret?"

[yes.]

[sometimes I hate you. sometimes I love you.]

"I know"

"and I'm going to work on the muffler in the morning. and hopefully finish it for when I see you Monday night."

We talked about how I am mean to her because I see her all the time and I want some space on occassion. She seemed to think it is for a different reason that I'm not aware of and she could be right, but I don't see it.

words words words

In the morning I planned to get up when she left for work; I like having my space/peace in the morning; I think I grew to like this while living with Tammy and then with Wende; they would get up early for work and I'd have the place to myself.. but Hitomi didn't leave. I grew to hate her just leave me the fuck alone; I don't want you to wait for me or wait on me or anything; I just want you to take care of yourself and I'll find my own clothes and it will be great.

We headed down to the station and I headed toward the Tokyu line cause I my phone told me that was the way to go to Yoyogi so Hitomi went in but I had to buy a ticket (arg) and then I went to see which line in fact was for Shinagawa. It wasn't this one, so I went to the other and it wasn't that one. So I went back to the first and it still wasn't that one. Oh my fucking god where is Shingawa? I thought I read that when I asked my phone which way to get to Yoyogi, but I had misread the kanji and or soomething and there was no Shinagawa on the Tokyu lines from that station (Kamata) though Hitomi was already in the gates and a woman came up to me while Hitomi was coming up to me from the other side of the gates and the woman spoke relatively great English and I answered in Japanese [I'm trying to go to Shinagawa] and she was like, "oh you need to come over here to a JR line" and I'm thinking, but I've got a little neko on the other side of this gate. and I just left Hitomi and let her fend for herself cause I couldn't be bothered (British and Australian expressions are creeping into my lexicon) and the woman was really nice and showed me where we were on the other map and how to get to Shinagawa and I was just so ARG (cause now I had a 110 yen ticket that I didn't need (thank goodness I hadn't bought a more expensive one, but maybe I would have noticed before buying a ticket that there was no Shinagawa)) that I couldn't even thank her before she vanished and I was talking to Hitomi about who cares about the fucking 110 yen ticket I bought; it's just 110 yen and I don't give (much of) a shit about that I just want to have been in Yoyogi by now (actually within 10 mintues of that time) and the woman vanished (thank you for your help) and Hitomi came with me on the other train line though I still wanted to be alone and I'm like jeez I've got to explain this and was like [where do you need to go?] and she expalained (effectively) that she could use either line and she knew that if I used the Tokyu line I could use Gotanda and if my phone had said that was the right way then so be it, and if I used the other line that was cool too.

and I'm like "Gotanda!" I shoulda known... Maybe that was the station I had been looking for (not Shinagaa) and Gotanda is a stop or two closer than Shingawa to Yoyogi.

But her logic made sense and I still don't know what my phone had said, but was like, "an example of you being a strong woman is you going to work when you need to go."

Damn myself for being so Japanesely-non-direct, so I told her that I liked having my time alone when I lived with Wende and Hitomi understood and agreed she had been foolish, and in fact, that she hadn't gone to work on time is what she had been referring to earlier when she said she was a bad girl this morning.

ah; yes that makes sense. I might have thought of that.

I got off alone at Shinagawa, got a seat on Yamanote line to Yoyogi.

Arrived at Saori at 10:25. which is argueably 10 am, as I had told them I would be there at 10 (it's coser to 10 than 11).

Walked in and the woman was like, [hi.]

[Hi.]

[Uh, wasn't it supposed to be Tuesday?]

Blink. [Why yes. I'm sorry; it was Tuesday.]

[Is Tuesday okay?]

[Yes; no problem. Sorry!]

I was supposed to come tomorrow at 10. Not today.

Damn.