Entries this day: Hitomi Stupid Worship zzz_study

Hitomi

9:00pm JST Thursday 10 March 2005

Last night, I told Hitomi she couldn't live with me. She asked again and I said she could before Sally comes to visit. She asked(*) didn't say bye when she left this morning. She didn't call me today.

(*) I stopped editing this entry at this point; too much to say; too little point.

Stupid

8:58pm JST Thursday 10 March 2005

Stupidly, I missed Takako's lesson today. I lulled myself into thinking I had nothing to do all day.

Worship

9:12pm JST Thursday 10 March 2005

I'm worshipping the fucking computer, wondering how to write everything I did today, which amounted to a lot of nothing; I almost called Hitomi to try and have her come over; I need to learn how to deal with this angsty feeling

It's like

I want to medicate with women or porn or food or computer

Positive ideas are shot down: ride TJ Bike (too cold (plus dark)); go outside - go for a walk (argh); study Japanese (ugh; I'm sick of it); work on P To Da B lesson plan - I chose present continuous (ugh; it's only a 10 minute lesson; I can just wing it (I know this excuse won't stick))

I'm thankful that I noticed I was calling Hitomi before I actually called her. I had phone in hand and words in mind and was like, wtf??? I didn't notice the actually thoughts that led to that close call (pun nearly intended (pun not intended)) but I'm glad I noticed before I called her.

I had been thinking I should meditate; everything seems too crappy or useless or meaningless.. Dan, this is me feeling depressed.

Why'd you have to go back to England? I miss you, man.

Okay; I'm going to relax with my brain for a moment. It's 9:20pm now.

9:28pm

Aha. I got to something:

Had Hitomi called me today, she would likely have reminded me that I had a lesson with Takako. I had let myself rely on Hitomi as a crutch for remembering my schedule. So that's why I wanted to call Hitomi (back into my life please take care of me, er, my schedule) tonight. Also, she would have helped me study.

SO: I'm going to ride Mimibike to Saizeria where they have an unlimited drink bar (of a limited selection) and study.

Not just study; also plan my transition out of my apartment and into TJ Bike / P To Da B (May - August, if I get it)

10:09pm

Hitomi called as I went down to wash the bowl I used for lunch/dinner/snack (corn cream soup) and I was really happy to hear from her. She may or may not come over; she wants to, and knows it's not in our best interest. I want her to, but I know it's not in our best interest.

I talked to Shoko about it. She said I should make a decision about what I want and tell Hitomi. Good advice. I've already done it, though.

Haven't I?

zzz study

2:36am JST Friday 11 March 2005

I studied for a good 2 hours tonight. Maybe more. Long enough that I'm impressed and pleased with my efforts. Bedtime now.