Entries this day: Argh Better_times Defeated S1M0NE Sally

Argh

11:40am JST Saturday 12 March 2005

Why am I such a big mean jerk? After a nightmare conversation with Hitomi, which really wasn't a nightmare; I'm just calling it that, I was all like practicallly challenging people to get in my way while I walked to the train station. "get the fuck outta my way you fuckin piece of fuck"

And I'm like, "God," as in requesting a conversation with Her, "how do I release this anger in an appropriate way?"

God says, "give it to me."

"Alright you fucking piece of shit God why the hell do I have to go through all this fucking bullshit, bitch?"

And She says, "no no; that's not 'giving it to me' in the sense I intended. You are clutching your anger, trying to throw spears at me and your earthly companions in order to release your anger." or something like that.

She continues, "when I say, 'give it to me,' I mean like a gift. Give me your anger as if giving a loved one a present that you have taken time to carefully select, and carefully wrap. Offer it with love as a gift to me. It's the love that allows me to ta release you of the burden of your anger."

"Man, God; you're pretty smart for a girl."

"Haha; Thanks, but I'm not a girl in the sense you mean. You are .. amazing. I invite you to believe that."

"Thanks, God. Do you mind if I still hate you ?"

"Not at all."

"Man, you're hardcore. It's not like I actually hate you; it's just that I hate something, and you're a good scapegoat."

"Many people think the same thing."

"What do you think?"

"Well, that's a bit much for you to write in its pure form, but basically I think people are expecting too much of me but they won't do anything for themselve to let me help. People want me to fix all their problems, but they love their problems and don't actually want to change. The world is going through an adolesence; world cultures are like siblings that have grown too big for their own play areas and they want to fight over resources indlucing energy, food, land, water, air, all the natural resources available to you. The world will take care of herself; I'm not worried about her. You guys think you're in control, but actually just on the edge of quite a shocking era. You may see it as devastation; Earth will see it as clensing."

Wow; I wonder if I typed that or if God did.

"Think of it as a combination platter."

Better times

1:13pm JST Saturday 12 March 2005

Jen reminded me that when Hitomi and I didn't go back to my room every night, we had a higher fun to fight ratio. Much more fun than fighting. It's only when we hang out during sleepy-time that we have all these flocked up issues.

Defeated

8:02pm JST Saturday 12 March 2005

Anything okay.

S1M0NE

10:19pm JST Saturday 12 March 2005

Watched S1M0NE with Hitomi. She somehow went from genki to so ill she can't bear to leave my room. God this is frustrating.

I wrote defeated because that's what I told her I was when I was like get the fuck out of here and she said no and stayed and I'm like jesus this is exactly the kind of fighting that I don't want to do; can't you see that what I want is for you to go away; to give me time alone? I'm fucking defeated here in my own room.

I tried twisting the head off the stuffed Rody horse that Jesse and Kelly got me at Gaba and Hitomi was like, "no, me. Please kill me," meaning please strangle me. She even put my hands forcibly around her own neck.

I swear on a stack of all my dead grandmothers ashes and bibles that is exactly what she said and did.

For the record, I didn't kill her.

Sally

3:39pm JST Saturday 12 March 2005

I am so so so worried about Sally's response to my email.

Subject: crazy me
Date:    Sat, Mar 12, 2005 at 1:15AM
To:	 Sally

Hi Sally.

Some weeks ago you said something like, "if you need to spend time
with your girlfriend, I understand."   I basically tried to squirm my
way past that little situation and have you while putting her on a
proverbial shelf.   When I consider the bigger picture, I know this is
not the right thing to do.

I recognize my own sex addiction and my desire to have the convenience
of more than one woman at a time.  I recognize that if I have you
sleep here, I am not respecting you nor Hitomi.  Therefore, I must not
have you sleep in my room while you are here; we will make other
arrangements.

I'm sorry to be such a nutcase about sex.  I'm thankful/hopeful that
you understand.

    With Love
      - Rob

I am most afraid of this possibility: Sally never considered the possibility of having sex with me while she is here. I always felt an underlying possibility, given emails that had been sent.

I am second most afraid that Sally will be like "fuck you then," and not want to come, given that I'm "choosing" Hitomi 'over' Sally.

But if I can't trust Sally to be cool with this, then I am not trusting her to be the type of woman I'd like to hook it up with. If she's not, then she's not.

This brings to mind what That Guy Jon said, "the most important thing is trust."

10:18pm JST Saturday 12 March 2005

Sally still hasn't written me back. I'm really... just like .... fuckin' wishing I hadn't sent that email.