Entries this day: AM Dream Journal Morning Sad hitomi_again

AM

9:37am LKT Tuesday 07 June 2005

My watch says it's November 13th, but I'm sure that's wrong. Today is a holiday for everyone on the ship. So Audrey, for example, can sleep in instead of waking up at oh-my-god thirty.

Dream

am LKT Tuesday 07 June 2005

I was with Maggie around her wedding I thought something like, "I'm glad you're able to get married, but I don't want you to have had to be divorced." In my dream I didin't say it because I thought it might make her cry.

Journal

10:37am LKT Tuesday 07 June 2005

I just wrote a significant amount in my journal about Sri Lanka. I don't know if I'm really allowed... I know I'm not allowed to do this, but I'm leaving my computer in my GET classroom.

I ran upstairs and found Kin, who has written several things in Japanese for me to learn. I just ran upstairs to get my Japanese notebook.

Morning

10:37am LKT Tuesday 07 June 2005

I ran upstairs and found Kin, who has written several things in Japanese for me to learn. I just ran upstairs to get my Japanese notebook.

I recorded several minutes of carimba and flute performance on this tape (tape 5)

7:59pm JST Wednesday 28 September 2005

Though nothing is recorded textually, I have pictures from swimming this day. Kris and I had fun with my underwater camera.

Sad

3pm LKT Tuesday 07 June 2005

Right now as I type, it is 2pm on September 8th. I was just listening to the carimba and flute, enjoying it nicely, then got a huge shock when the next recording was my voice, obviously sad and crying. Like, I got chills, and didn't want to listen to it.

3pm or so. (big sobbing breath) I feel sad. (sob) Because I do, um, Hitomi confronted me about not having kept my promise to go scuba diving in Jamaica with her, and I judge she didn't say it in a very nice way; she called me names and stuff. I came to my room, and she came down and she was like, [knock knock] and she was angry and she wouldn't let me leave until she talked to me. I'm like, "fucking go away leave me alone I don't like you I don't want you on PB I don't want to talk to you blah blah blah blah blah blah" and she was like, "why?" and I'm like, "I don't fucking trust you. You won't let me leave my room; you didn't tell me [you were coming on] PB and all this stuff" and she was like, "so?" and I'm like "jesusfuckingchrist that is the point I don't trust you," and she's like... I dunno, and then she cried, cause she was basically like, "wah wah wah" and I just didn't say anything cause I don't fucking know, and then she left, and I started to cry.

During my angry moment while she was in my room, I grabbed the Mt Fuji staff that I bought in Fifth Station on Mt Fuji and took it to Eighth Station then brought specifically cause I thought it would be cool to have it go around the world with me; it might "add value" to the stick, and slammed it to the ground in a huge WACK and broke it into four nearly equal sized pieces right in front of Hitomi so she could be horrified at how much she's fucking pissing me the fuck off that I would destroy a beloved possession instead of punching her sorry ass in the face.

It's just like, "come the fuck on, Hitomi, get the fuck over me."

I don't know why we are doing this to each other. The karma is just like a nightmare. What the fuck is going on. I thank my angels for giving me the experiences we are supposed to have; and that we both grow and learn from our situations, and that we'll both have a good time for the duration of our PB voyage. Blessed be.

-- -

During the time that I wasn't saying anything after she cried, I thought about throwing the pieces of the staff into the water and how they would float around and how they would slowly be eaten by water-living stick-eaters, perhaps. But I don't know if I can toss it over during the day or of I should do it at night, or if I should do them one per day or all in one big pile.

For some reason I think it's appropriate to find her in her room and ask her if she wants to throw them into the water with me.

4:34pm

Probably talked to her for 30 minutes just now, and by talk I mean not talk to her very much because I can't fucking understand her and she can't fucking understand me, and that ended up being the crux: I was like, "I can't understand you," and she's like, "because you don't try" and I'm like, "because I *don't* want to work hard on a relationship right now," and she's like, "I'm sorry to hear that," and she left.

That is it; I don't want to work very hard on a relationship right now; I just want to work on myself, but sometimes I judge I don't do that very well, but that's what it is. I would like to take a few minutes out right now to plan my day - the remainder of it; I can't believe it's already 4:45.

Especially considering that before this chaos, I went swimming and we had a swimming pool load of fun doing handstand competitions and a lot of GET Teachers did hand stands and we made a whirlpool in the kiddy pool and Shawn and Ippei, then Shawn and Dave played Walrus Wars on the edge of the pool on their bellies to see who could knock the other into the pool and it was all kinds of fun.

I went to get a towel and I saw Hitomi who I could see was upset and I was like, "what's wrong?" and she said her stomach hurts, but then the real reason, "Rob is バカ" which means 'fool' or 'idiot' and I'm like, "aw god" and we talked about how I cancelled our promise to go scuba diving in Jamaica.

When I was like, "leave me the fuck alone," she could see I was upset and caressed my hair/face, but it was not done out of compassion, but as insult, which really pissed me off and I was like, "don't touch my face." But then she brought up a good point, although I don't actually remember this, when I told her I wanted to go on Ocho Rios tour instead of going scuba diving with her, I could tell she was upset so, in an attempt to comfort her, I kinda caressed her hair / face. Apparently she didn't like it, but she sure didn't tell me at that time.

But the bottom line is I don't want to fucking do relationship with her, but at the same time I want to get involved with Kim because she's tall; she's cute; she's new; she's fun.. I gotta just get in touch with myself.

4:54pm

That's nice; the staff basically fits back together and I have super glue, so it's basically fixed.

5:21pm LKT Tuesday 07 June 2005

It's ucky outside and I'm glad it worked out so that we got to play while it was nice. It's really crazy rain outside now. I think. I'm inside and sometimes it's hard to tell how hard it's raining just by looking at the water.

It's realllly hard to tell how hard it's raining if we can't see outside.

7:40pm

I'm feeling better. I've been busy; haven't really processed, but I'm alive. I might be going to dinner with Kim tonight - not sure.

9:06pm

Letter from Hitomi

I feel sad that you said words
It seems you try hard to communicate with Japanese on PB
but you can not try hard to do that with me
I understand that.  I think it's personality denial.
When we visited Da Nang we could not talk to much in English with
Vietnamese, but we had a good time with them and I think we were able
to communicate with them.

What is communicate?
What is PB?

What do you want to do on PB?

Hitomi

Nice. I hadn't actually read that before I recorded it.

hitomi again

late late

Fucking talked to Hitomi for an hour and forty minutes. Basically, fucking give it up; I don't want to talk to you; I don't want anything with you; fuck off, but I don't say it that meanly; I try to speak clearly and fucking use words that make sense to me; I can't say, "I encourage you not to expect that of me," I have to dumb it down to "don't think about me" which doesn't even make sense, but it's what she understands. I mean, jeez, even like cute Kin gets a single word, and inconsequential stuff, "the sea is blue." Who fuckin' cares?? We're not talking about relationship issues and free will and shit like that. And I have to fucking plan lessons. Just get the fuck out of my life. When she finally leave me alone, all I can do is cry. It's a fucking nightmare.

2:27am

Fucking staggering to bed now. Fucking tired as shit.