Entries this day: Buenos_Aires! Dream buenos_meditaciones dining_onboard hi_Akane out_again saki usb_byebye

Buenos Aires!

Buenos Aires!

This city is really cool.

It reminds me of a friendlier? smaller? less expensive version of Barcelona.  There
are street vendors like on La Rambla, performing music, doing tricks, dancing tango
and everything else...  Food is quite ample and quite inexpensive, especially if
one enjoys large slabs of beef.  We were served one nearly as big as Francois!

We wandered for some hours down a street with tons of flea markets.  I thought of
janette in Dallas a lot, given that´s her business...  I wonder if the prices here
are low enough to warrant an antique business trip!

We chowed ice cream and a young woman from Argentina who now lives in Miami
commented on my Don´t Mess With Texas keychain on my bag.  I didn´t get her name,
but gave my Francois card... If you´re reading now, welcome!

I had been running around today with 5 CCs and 1 passenger from the ship .. our
party has sortof broken up to do our own things for a bit and regroup later
tonight.

We walked through a hoppin´ park near La Boca- the park that overlooks the fancy
blue Russian Cathedral sports a lovely combination of tropical trees, historical
statues, plus musicians performing for couples and families chilling on benches or
the ground.  Really relaxed .. perfect weather .. it´s just Nice.

Fortunately, we will be here overnight and have all day tomorrow to play in this
beautiful city.

I am unable to check email now, but I send everyone love and blessings...

     Love Love
      - Rob! 

Dream

7:23am ART Monday 13 February 2006

Leaning over the rail in the back of the boat, we were going super slowly through super clear water; I could see all the way to the ocean bottom, which was about 20 feet. I had my gilligan hat and used it to scoop up water. I briefly let it go to see where the water would take it, and it seemed to be pushed toward the ship and down into the water. This seemed a bit strange, but happened each time I tried it, so I guessed the effect must be real.

During my experimentation, I thought it would be quite detrimental if I fell into the water, so I put on a life jacket to give myself some chance at survival should that occur.

Joel came out and saw how much fun I was having and decided he wanted to go swimming. He began to strip off his clothes, but someone quickly stopped him, saying he could be fired if he intentionally went swimming off the back of the boat, or if he stripped naked. He agreed that wouldn't be so good for his career so he just stood wearing swim trunks in the ankle deep water and told jokes.

buenos meditaciones

2:31pm ART Monday 13 February 2006

I'm in a park in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I recognize this must seem amazing to the me of 10 years ago (or even 5), but here I am, all the same.

"Why am I here?" I have been asking myself, which is exactly the reason I came to this park, to ask that question. I wonder if this little play on words is a perfect analogy to life, or perhaps it's meaningless, or some of the infinite shades of gray in between.

where was I?

Yeah. the park. Where *am* I, I should ask.

Not in the same space I was when I asked the first question, as Einstein pointed out that we are continually moving relative to something, so we are never in the same spot twice. But I'm still here in this park, and still babbling instead of writing what I intended to write.

I've been wondering why I am here on earth.. or actually, I haven't been wondering that so much .. I've been designing a paradigm for my life.

((( That's the word Fred spelled! I don't think I remembered it when I told that story recently. )))

......

I've been thinking of short and hopefully profound summaries of my life, and short and hopefully useful rules to guide me.

Sometimes I think I'm just flailing through life, not doing anything of worth.. Cripes, I basically *always* think that, so I'm looking for some sort of catchall rule to guide me when I feel lost slash don't know what to do.

Christina (of my old school YRUU days) said her rule was to think at each junction / decision in her life "what will bring my closer to my goal?" (I think) or maybe it was, "what decision will I be proud of later?".. maybe it wasn't either of those; I remember thinking it was pretty simple and profound, but each of these suggestions just seem like something I would think of.

ANYWAY

"Meditate every day."

This for a long time has been my most commonly cited rule for how to live that would solve all my woes. "Whenever I try to figure out what I should do right now my angels say "meditate" and I say "no no no, what should I *DO)???"" I have said that for years. And it comes up again today.

Think of a GOAL - something to which I am driving, for which I am striving.. something I can latch onto as the REASON for waking up, for being, for living.. If I had that, then man,.. look out.

What are some possible goals?

exactly.

So, well, I can fall back onto my men's group Mission Statement. As a man among men, I bring joy to the world by playing within the world.

That's the statement I most often used when we stated our mission statements. Well, I'll be durned, look at me enjoying myself in Buenos Aires. That counts as pretty far away, out in the world.

Hang on, what's this Far Away business? Peace starts within. Life is within. Doesn't matter where I am, Assuming I'm still animating this human body, I am In The World, and it doesn't have to be Buenos Aires

Well, there is something to being in Buenos Aires, so far from my peeps back home, so close to my peeps right next to me. (This is presently a short list of Francois, but my GET Ts and other mates are out enjoying themselves equally well, I imagine.)

shit I'm losing the point.

What if writing this journal is my life project? I sure have put a lot of time and energy thought etc into it. Far too much boring rubbish for any sane person to read it all, but perhaps, hopefully, somehow it will be of value to future me or future humanity or alienity or diety and not just so much toiletry and wasted memory.

When people have asked me what I will do after this voyage, I have come to invariably say (in either English or Japanese) that I will ride my bicycle from Tokyo to Kyoto and spend 10 days in meditation there at the Vipasanna meditation center.

I'll be flat honest, I hope it changes my life.

I hope it infuses me with such insight or such experience or something that I find a new direction in life.. or find a direction in life

I've thought about ways to do that

sorry my brain got ahead of my fingers.

I have been thinking about what the experience will be like, and thinking about ways to represent the supposed/suspected/desperately-sought change in my life.

The best I've come up with is a ten day GAP in my journal (absolutely unheard of for years, now) with bookend States of My Life showing the dramatic difference.

My greatest fear is that there will be no difference, and that it wil seem like just a ten day stretch of desperately antsy sitting and a waste of ten days.

(and the same old me on both sides of the 10 days)

We (as I understand it) are not allowed to write or otherwise record , or rather we are greatly encouraged not to as it supposedly detracts from the experience of stillness..

-----

There have been a couple of conversations I've had with four different people that make me... give me... offer me hope that, one day, I will be on the right track. or that the track on which I am will feel right.

Char, who would always look at my crown chakra (my interpretation of where she looked) while we talked, said, "oh, you will be able to astral project, in fact that will just be the beginning." or something quite close to that when I told her how desperately I wanted to be able to astral project, to step out into the astral plane. But then she continued, "but right now,I see a need for patience."

Patience?

Patience?????

Okay. later. As in I look forward to astral projection when the time is right.

Is the time right? Have I been patient enough yet????? How about now?

After I bonked the shit out of my head and had a full recovery despite the odds, I knew there must be some reason I survived, fully intact.

My dad said he came into the ICU to see me and he perceived a white light around me. When he asked how he could help, he got the answer back from me, "I can handle it, dad; don't even worry about it."

After that accident, I talked with Rebecca, my professional psychic friend who seemed to appear and disappear from my life some years ago. "When you were unconscious, your angels told you what you are supposed to do this lifetime. When you're ready, you can do into meditation and ask them to tell you again."

After that was Richard Unger talking to me when he looked at my fingerprints during my first palm reading with him. "You're asked to build something for the world."

"I knew you would say something like that!"

Wende suggested that I have latched onto those last four as proof that I am supposed to do something big, but that I don't see the bigness of the things I'm already doing. Like my work in YRUU. Five years in a fantastic organization, helping to support as best I could, affectiving the lives hundreds of youth in hopefully the best way possible.

"But he said 'show them blueprints'"

As in, I am supposed to design it from nothing.

What if I write a book? What is my big issue with doing that? Certainly I've written enough to fill a book, but I doubly certainly don't think it would be interesting to enough people to make it saleable.

That part of me that I describe as Aires slash A+ blood type slash perfectionist needs it to be the number one surprising hit of the century, like Eminem exploding onto the scene, sweeping all the number one spots with his own wack style.

Eminem.

Now there's a cat that I look up to because he had some focus. He knew he wasn't perfect, but he was damn determined to be the best at his thing. And he did it. Good job. Big props. Big fame, and maybe a few dollars along with it. But he fucking did what he set out to do. It seems.

Lee Hirsch, who I just met... He had a big project in mind and spent 10 years working on it, against lots of adversity and it cost him a million dollars, but now... it's done. he did it. Kick ass.

"What has the gene pool gained by having a guy float around and decided what's not good enough to do?"

"The good thing is, when you finally settle down on a project for, say, 2 years," (laughter from the audience), "it will be a fine project."

"So your job right now is just to be open, to be looking for your project, and to discern carefully the different messages you'll receive to listen for the right one" (I just made that last part up)

In a way, I am looking for that project now. In a way, that search is the reason I broke up with Wende. I often wonder what our life could be like, but I know beyond all that I would wonder MORE what my life could be like if I had stayed wit her. (sorry for dangling / misplaced language)

I certainly don't want to repeat the same difficult thing of breaking up with a fiance. That shit sucked

So I want to make it worthwhile to have broken up with her. I want to be settled in myself before I get engaged again. I want to trust myself before asking another to trust me.

I want to feel worthy of a relationship. ... wow.

that one is huge, buried all the way down here... I seem to think I'm not worthy of being loved, even after my friends and girlfriends have said I am, some of them specificall during a two-person conversation around this topic.

I have this PROJECT tied to my feeling os self worth.. and I know in my mind my worth is not dependant on this project, even if my pereceived self worth is.

I basically know from experience that no matter what project I do, it won't actually change my perceived self worth.

SO.

What does *that* mean? How did I get to this thought anyway?

Oh yeah... finish a project before I am worthy of a relationship. That one.

Sometimes I get the next thought, "what if the relationship is the project?" .. but I quickly dismiss it as absurd, as I can't imagine a way a couple-ship could positively affect the world. I can see how two people can affect the wordl. but not because they are a couple.

But damn.. wouldn't that be smooth? They loved each other so much that it made the world better.

(insert several minutes of writingless reflection here)

4:01pm

Allllll of this writing started when I got an email from Hitomi today suggesting that I could be approaching relationships in a better way. And life onboard the ship in a more meditative way. I thought, "ah, fuckoff," but I wondered just what it would be like to _meditate_ on the ship. Or in a park.

So, what will I do when I'm feeling angsty on the ship. Angsty and tired and horny, uncontrollably antsy?

sleep? meditate? sleep? go chew on some cutie?

Better yet, how do I keep from getting to that unstable state? Meditate? sleep? Forge friendships with people I won't be tempted to chew on? Actually plan some curriculums and work for a living?

Of utmost concern, as of yesterday, I switched from hots-for-Rei to hots-for-Saki, the non-CC woman who was in our group yesterday. She seems stable, seems to like me, seems like she knows some stuff about meditation,... apparently is a massage therapist and accupuncturist and shiatsu-ist, all things that I am interested in checking out to see if I want to become proficient in them.

Hmmmm.. maybe she could shiatsu me and it would lead to some chewing and... oh my gosh what I conflucgupulation that would be. She doesn't speak English well, so we have said that we'll trade language for shiatsu. Can we keep it professional? Can I keep it professional?

I have *got* to talk to Rei (*) slash Kentaro slash Maruan slash Tony slash Carl slash Dan slash someone about this.

(*) Yes, she does know about my shit, and has offered to be a listening ear.

I think that brings me to completion on this topic. I just want to own that I'm in concerned about repeating the same thing as before (finding and chewing on the next girl), but also own the golden shadow that I am getting better. I told Rei before too late: no broken hearts needed. I haven't told Saki, but we haven't *done* anything yet.

Actually, shit, we have - we've hugged, which for Japanese culture is a pretty forward thing to do on such short notice.

I have been upfront with people about it. "I kiss and run," and K said that wasn't good enough, or .. that doesn't make it okay to do the behavior anyway, "well I told you I kiss and run". I need to not kiss, or not run.

or find a balance. kiss and walk away.

or hug and run.

now I'm just being silly.

So, Saki.

I have kissed and run. I want to stop that pattern. Stop smiling at me like that.

I can't change the other perosn. How can I change myself?

Rob, stop being affected by her smile. Stop wondering if she is the one and wondering if I'll overcome all odds to cross the language gap and both of us become bilinguagal - fuckiit - tri - quad lingual. We've got *nothing* right now. Except an unwritten future as individuals on the same ship, and in April, on the same island called Japan.

My want is that I look back on this voyage with pride, so right now, I need to act in ways that I am proud of.

I'm Rob Nugen, Thunder Rabbit. And I'm in.

Ho. (4:31pm)

ps: I'm incredibly thankful for my computer battery to have lasted through this entire blabbering composition. It went from 98 to 62 percent in 2 hours. Pretty darn good, especially if it actually has two more hours to go.

5:01pm ART Monday 13 February 2006

I considered variants of ways to get this online, but I chose not to pursue it relentlessly. I felt strange asking the girl in the Sheraton business center if she'd let me use their internet again after I had already. (That's how I uploaded all the past month worth of entries (month??) and renamed my Rob Update mailer. She was like, "what's yer room number?" and I told her I wasn't actually staying there, and she said, "well I have to ask you to keep it to fifteen minutes.")

dining onboard

5:59pm ART Monday 13 February 2006

Matt happened to be on the bus from the terminal to the ship; he seemed surprised that I would *come back* to the ship for dinner. I reminded him that he enjoys food; I just like to eat. If it's free, I will enjoy it that much more.

Unless it's vanilla ice cream, and then I'll pay a bit for the delight.

6:59pm

Ate with Yuri and Rie (Carol from my class), and their two roommates, whose names I don't know. Good to see Carol so happy after her overland tour. Yuri had already eaten, so she just had tea and dessert, but she kept holding her stomach as if she was in pain. I was like, "¤«¤ï¤¤°ß¤½¤¦," a pun on "you poor thing" but using the kanji for stomach in the middle. They taught me the use of ¤µ¤à¤¤ to describe such ¤ª¤ä¤¸ gags.

Dinner was good, too.

hi Akane

7:04pm ART Monday 13 February 2006

Good to see ¤¢¤«¤Í back and happy after her overland tour! I met her and her dining buds ¤¢¤­¤é and ¤¿¤À¤· outside Topaz Dining just before they went in. ¤¢¤­¤é said he wants to learn English because of all the people he wanted to talk to during the tour.

out again

7:48pm ART Monday 13 February 2006

Rei just invited me to join her, Yuuka and others out and about... sounds great!

11:09pm

Back on the ship at 10:20pm; it was Rei, Rie, and Yuuka; we sought a tango performance, couldn't find one, and ended up at the same restaurant where Rei, Rie and I et. al. ate yesterday. This time we ate upstairs, and didn't get too much food like we did yesterday.

We enjoyed the delicious grilled cheese most of all. Note: this was not a grilled cheese sandwich, but grilled cheese. Just cheese. Provolone, to be precise. Thick, yummy, grilled perfectly. Mmmmmmmmm.

Our waiter called a taxi for Yuuka at 9:30 and for us at 10pm. Everyone got back on time, and all is good in Buenos Aires.

saki

1:05am ART Tuesday 14 February 2006

Talked to Saki a bit during departure. I got away before I did anything foolish.

usb byebye

1:06am ART Tuesday 14 February 2006

Carl borrowed my keys to get into the room, I came downstairs to go to bed, found the door locked, moped for a bit because I didn't want to go back upstairs, felt it was unfair to have to go upstairs and considered falling asleep by the door as a martyr of sorts, but went upstairs anyway, got the keys, found that the USB chip is no longer in its Winne The Pooh branded USB case.

Damn.