Entries this day: Don't_know_what_to_do Figuring_out_what_to_do

Don't know what to do

12:44pm JST Sunday 18 June 2006

Just spent about 10 minutes meditating, which became more an more unbearable, until I was just crying. I don't know what to do. Like now, in my life, like everything seems to be a tangent, taking me away from my real focus, but I don't know what my focus is.

- - - -

Touched briefly on ideas:

• it's okay not to know
• redesign my life
• go back to what Kim taught me

1:33pm

Just sent him an email:

Hi Kim

I am Rob Nugen
Thunder Rabbit

trained to become a man among men
November 1997

I feel fear: given I almost don't remember the year, I must have
forgotten other critical elements of this training.

I just spent about 10 minutes in meditation that turned to 10 minutes
crying: I don't know what to do

"right now," I thought.  "What should I do?"

SO

I decided to look at each point of my life, and rate it on a scale of 0 to 100

then select where I want it to be

then think of one small step I can do in each point to move closer to my goal.

First step:

remember "the list of life points"

Family
Friends
Money
Environment
Job
Health
Art
Free time
Relationship

I judge that my list contains the things I can remember, and may be
exactly what I need to work on now, but it's not the same list you
gave me some years ago.

Like giving Dumbo's his "magic" feather,

will you send me the list of life points you use with clients?

Until then, I will use the one I've written above.

I'm in.
HO

Figuring out what to do

6:12pm JST Sunday 18 June 2006

Kim

I appreciate your willingness to support me through email.

This email will be in a few different parts:

A) initial sort of Life Topics
B) self analysis of each topic
C) answers to questions I think you'll have

-----------

A)  I sorted my list by how much the topic needs to be addressed:

1) Finance
2) Career
3) Spiritual
4) Physical
5) Social
6) Family
7) Environment
8) Play
9) Intellect
10) Art

------

B) These are my gut feelings about each item.
      + items labeled with plus are things working well now
      -  items labeled with minus are most in need of attention

1) Finance:  10%   fear, anxiety, courage
   I've been begging for money recently.  Currently -$5000 (negative)
   net cash.  No predicatble income
 + recently worked as a mystery shopper (one time deal, $45)
 -  critically need to get a job, but fear choosing the wrong one / wrong country

2) Career:  10%  unsustainable, low self worth, joy
   I have no job.  Been working on a project for my website.  The
   project will be given away free for other web designers, who will
   hopefully find it useful.
+  writing software to be given away free
-  need to work more with people, less with computers

3) Spiritual:  5%  sadness, joy
   Finished 10 day Vipassana meditation recently.  Already stopped
   daily meditation in daily life.
 + staying close to the idea of positive spiritual work
 - need to do daily meditation

4) Physical: 70%  growth, sadness, sloppy diet
   Poor food intake, not always cooking for self, limited exercise,
   broke left shoulder, but it is recovering
 + cooked for myself today;  drank water today
 - ate 110 grams of chocolate today

5) Social  20%  sadness, fear, stuck

   Been indoors a lot.  Went out with Eri all day yesterday and loved
   every moment
   Rarely talk to Jesse (apt mate).  Hitomi is probably mad at me
 + Fabulous day with Eri
 - it was yesterday  /  need to plan trip to Bali with Hitomi

6) Family: 60%  joy, sadness
   Close to Fred (brother), pretty close to Ma (mom), not so close to Dad (dad)
 + email works well with Fred
 - need other means to communicate with Dad

7) Environment:  30%  shame, blessed
   Currently living rent free with Jesse.  My room is messy
 + in a safe place with internet
 - I judge I'm not paying for it

8) Play: 100% joy
  almost 100% free time
+  can do anything
-  have limited money

9) Intellect:  70%  joy, sadness
   I keep stimuated with internet.  Don't watch TV.  I only have a
   bachelors degree.  not studying Japanese much.
 + internet for news
 - only speaking English on day to day basis

A) Art:  60%  joy
   I have lots of artistic ideas, but haven't really implemented many.
   Have classified my website as art, because I create it for its own sake
 + lots of time on my website
 - not painting recently

---------------------

C)  questions I think you will have after reading part B above

1) Finance.  I could get a job in about 1 day (if I sign a year
   contract), but I don't really want to work as a teacher anymore.
   Fear of missing the Best Job Ever keeps me from starting with a
   crap job first; I don't want to break a contract

2) Career: I want my career to be helping individuals' personal
   growth.  I would love to work with youth.  I have lots of
   judgements that I can't get that career started in Japan, and
   without more formalized training

4) Physical: The broken shoulder has very little affect on my outlook
   in this department.  It's mostly around nutrition and exercise.

-----------------

Thank you again for your quick support.  I feel blessed to have you as
a safety net so when I hit the bottom, I can get back up quickly.

(( I feel super doubly blessed that my "rock bottom" includes living
in a safe place, with food and internet, friends who love me, and
unlimited potential for growth..))

Blessings and Love
   - Rob