Entries this day: ISIS

ISIS

10:41am JST Tuesday 7 October 2008 (day 14076)

At the end, I paid 1000 yen (not worth her time), saying, "I hope this is the last time to pay you a small amount," because of our arrangement that I "pay what I can, (so long as it's not just coins)" and she laughed a bit like, "wow!"

I sensed I was making a mistake.

After a moment, Helma said, "Well, I must say I felt some anger when I heard you went to the angelic workshop for 30,000 yen, and I get almost nothing."

She spoke clearly, and spoke without expressing anger.

Fuck. She's right. And I know she's right. I wanted to make it right, but I only have 3000 more yen in my wallet until Friday. Oh wait, I have 7000 yen in the bank to last me until next payday, which used to be far away, but now is in just a few days, so 7000 yen is plenty. I gave her the rest that I had in my wallet, while telling her I can get an advance from work. WTF did I lie to her, I don't know, but I didn't say that the money would be from my bank account, my little emergency fund to last until next payday.

"But you need to eat," she started, but I said, "I can get money, and I have food in my bag; I'll be okay."

I felt sadness, and stood there feeling the emotion. "I feel sad to pay you so much money when I don't value myself to make the same amount of money per time spent; why can't I be worth that much money? I don't know what to do (what does that mean?) ..."

"Well," she offered, "I spend more time than just when you're here..." and she approached to give me a hug.

"Really? I didn't know that."

"I didn't tell you."

In the middle of our hug, I said, "Thank you for being someone I can trust. Cause there are some people (e.g. Nobue Yazawa) who I can't trust. I want to be someone who you can trust. I want to pay you at least 5000 yen per session, and I want to come once per week..."

"Wow!"

"if that works for you; I don't know."

"Yeah; it's great. I'm happy you want to do the work."