Entries this day: Dream_Forgetting_names Jennifer i-group kevin

Dream Forgetting names

5:13am JST Monday 10 November 2008 (day 14110)

Arrived at a partyand a woman was like, "do you remember my name?" and I immediately said, "Ebe!" and she was like, "nooo!" so I go, "Yuki! Yoko! Miki!" and she was like, "it's Yuko...." so I was like, "Yuko!" but she was unimpressed.

A bit later, another girl was like, "do you remember my name?" and I go, "Yoko! Miki! Yuko! Yuki!" and she's like, "It's Ebe." and I was like, "I said Ebe first a while ago for Yuko, [if that counts for anything]," but it didn't.

There was some discussion about why who remembers what names, and I told my version. I was like,

1. "First, I'm a visual learner. If I just hear someone's name, I'm very likely to forget it in two seconds unless I visually spell it in my mind, or carefully learn the kanji.

2. "Second, when I talk to people, I'm shy, and I don't look at their face. I'm like, "this spot on the ground looks pretty good; I'll just look at it." And this is even more pronounced with Japanese culture. We're not supposed to make eye contact. If she's an おばさん, then I look so far away that I'm like, this," and turned my head to look the opposite direction, "oh hello, nice to meet you!" as I waved in the direction of my invisible granny. The girls laughed, so I knew they could relate.

3. "Third, and this is part of Japanese culture, Japanese don't tend to individualize themselves. When every guy has short spikey hair, and every woman has shoulder length dyed brown hair, and everyone is like, "I'm an office worker," and, "I like sleeping in my free time," how am I to make a file in my brain? "I'll just file this one in 'expensive hair tired worker,' It's not helpful when everyone is in the same file!"

I wondered about taking pictures of everyone, and really trying to make an effort at remembering names. When I was first advising in YRUU, I would spend hours poring over the mugbooks, carefully remembering all the youths' names. I could usually end up remembering most of the major cities / churches, and some addresses.

Perhaps U-cow's site could be useful in this regard.

Jennifer

1:07pm JST Wednesday 10 November 2008 (day 14110)

Jennifer texted me, basically wanting to go to Ami's mom's funeral. I basically told her not to worry about it, given that I'm not even going. My sense is that our presence would just be a bit of a distraction instead of support. We're likely to take Ami out next week.

i group

12:51am JST Tuesday 11 November 2008 (day 14111)

Basically the most significant thing "today" was my i-group process. Short version:

I said I felt shame, but didn't know from where it came. I asked Kevin to lead me with some provocative questions.

Found the shame in my heart, and sank into it, carrying me back to 3 or 4 years old when I pulled up the carpet yarn and made a wig for myself, saying I wanted to be a girl. My parents told me I shouldn't want to be a girl and I was doing something wrong, etc.

Michael took my place as 4-year-old Rob, and I reframed the experience by adding (an older version of) myself, saying, "don't worry about what they say; you can do anything you want. You can play any way you want!" and I put some kleenex on my head and invited little Rob to do the same, and then I put a pillow on my head and he did the same, and I called him the great Swami cause it looked like a turban, and we traded places so I could relive a golden version of the same scene. We played and I became a Roman Emporer with a tissue behind each ear and climbed on the chair and did everything I wanted for a moment.

Then brought the same energy forward 34 years to me now, by which time my head and chest and hands were tingling with lovely etheric energy (same type of tingles as I'd get during significant ISIS sessions. same type of tingles as when I finished my carpet work in original MKP weekend). I gave myself the blessing of access to this energy at any and all times. Gave the same blessing to the rest of the men in the circle, as if an energetic initiation.

Quite an amazing experience. Wonderful for me. Best one I've had since my initiation in November 1997.

kevin

1:04am JST Tuesday 11 November 2008 (day 14111)

This is the night that I suggested we go to Mac's Carrot in Meijiro (near Kevin's house) after he suggested we don't go to expensive curry again in Ebisu.

We sat at the corner of the bar, with his brown suede jacket on the chair to my left, and him to the left of that, around the corner so we could be more like face to face than side by side at the bar.

Stories and stories, talking about Ami, and Peace Boat, and Keiko.