Entries this day: Dream Morning Work first_Wednesdays_are_sbstrm_lounge great_talk_with_Ami

Dream

6:03am JST Wednesday 3 December 2008 (day 14133)

In Houston, enjoying a chance to chill out with Arial'a / Diane Perry, on whom it was well known I had a crush, basically getting to see her in her element, with hair tightly bound to keep the wind from blowing it everywhere, though we were inside by the mantel, looking at some little carvings. I was cleaning my room, and throwing away , or recycling a bunch of rocks, including some little cat figurines. She saw one with its paw in the air, and she was like, "oh! cute raccoon!" and I was like, "it's a cat," totally surprised that she thought it was a raccoon. I then brought up a new topic, talking about Ami, saying matter-of-factly that it may be the case that we need to break up, and I wondered if that happened, I'd be able to do some coaching sessions with Arial'a to help get things sorted out between me and Ami. Before I got an answer, though, I added the little thought that it may be better to *not* do coaching sessions with a woman on whom I have a crush. I might instead do the sessions with Kim Sawyer, my old coach. Diane goes, "oh yes I know him; in fact he's having a workshop today in the other room, and it turned out that we were in Kim's house.

i went outside to see if I could find him, but instead I found some guys lifting the garage and staircase and adjacent building wall as one big unit with some large cranes and many cables. They were actually just putting the whole thing down, and I watched as they lowered it the last five feet or so. I wondered if I could have helped, perhaps getting paid by the footstep for my efforts, but I realized the guy wasn't really walking anywhere, so it wouldn't be very much pay. Perhaps if I had come a bit earlier during the setup I could have made more money. And why wasn't Kim just *not* having his garage and staircase lifted ; it seemed like a big waste of money. I wondered also why he hadn't offered the work to me, and I guessed maybe because I was too smart for doing such low wage work. I walked around the other side to go back inside, and I found myself slightly bared in on a room full of people, including Kim showing some sort of video presentation to several people, who were sitting on the floor and desks and everywhere because the room was so full.

The video, I knew, was a presentation of the personal growth work training classes Kim leads and I was glad to already be doing that kind of work, and not have to sit in on a beginner level class. I walked quickly through the room so as not to disturb anyone too much, and back into the main room where I found Arial'a preparing to leave. I asked her to stay and bid her adieu, and welcomed her back anytime as I opened the door for her to leave. I found Fred was sleeping on a chair in the next room, and he had come with another one of my or his male friends. They were both zonked out from jet lag, and I wondered about waking him up because it was now morning in Japan, but he usually sleeps late, so I didn't know if it would be better to wake him up or let him sleep in. Kim Sawyer came into the room and I was like, "how'd the meeting go," and he looked at me with passive aggressive face, saying "why didn't you come watch as well?" I began to stammer, um, er, I was in a meeting with, but I didn't say anything because I couldn't remember her name, and then Kim went on to say, "Kevin was in the video talking about the guy saying the pledge of allegiance backwards," which Kim had told to me in confidence, and I could not believe I had told it to anyone, but that was the only explanation as to how Kevin would have known the story, and I couldn't figure out why Kevin would have said anything because I *know* I would have told him it was confidential, and I couldn't remember even talking to him about it anyway, and why was it on a video that Kim showed to his class, but hadn't previewed the video first to see what was on it?

Nothing made any sense, and I felt guilty and confused and didn't know what was what..

and then I woke up. Oh man so that explains what happened!

Morning

10:05am JST Wednesday 3 December 2008 (day 14133)

Just missed the 10:03am train leaving 元住吉, which kinda sucks because, even though I'm 8 minutes earlier than normal, those eight minutes are all-but wasted waiting for the next train that goes straight to 渋谷. BUT, I am able to take the next train that leaves the station (日比谷線) and get an express train to 渋谷 that I normally wouldn't be able to get, so I'll be a bit earlier than normal, but won't get to sit down all the way there (just 80% of the way).

But that's not why I'm writing.

I left work late last night, and actually went directly to bed. No FFS, no journal, no email, nothing except floss and brush teeth and meditate and sleep. I'll write about the meditation now (in an entry that will be appear on yesterday's journal list).

10:24am JST

This morning I did another almost 20 minutes' meditation (like 16 minutes) before I couldn't stand any more. I went through four mini-lessons (10 words, some repeated) in iknow.co.jp and chatted a bit with Colleen, who may be headed out to another oil rig tomorrow. I painted on her painting about 15 minutes as well.

中目黒 now; I gotta change trains.

this is a reminder to write about work yesterday.

Work

8:06pm JST Wednesday 3 December 2008 (day 14133)

Yesterday wasn't just work shmerk, and today was similar. Working on the payment system for invoices now. As of leaving today, I have an invoice payment screen with a form that can submit payment information for particular not-yet-paid invoices, though the information isn't yet being saved to DB.

Yesterday I made a payment_2_invoice table that will allow a many to many relationship between payments and invoices, allowing payments to be too much or too little.

Today, during Komatsu's English class, in which he did much better than normal, at a level I might call beginner, I wrote a few versions of a flow chart for displaying payment information, showing what invoices were paid with which payments *and* which payments still have credit remaining to apply to new payments. I know what it's going to look like, but I'm not sure the logic I wrote will do it quite the way I want. It smells like there's a small change required, perhaps a misplaced END (closing curly brace) or perhaps I'm using the wrong variable name somewhere.

first Wednesdays are sbstrm lounge

8:18pm JST Wednesday 3 December 2008 (day 14133)

Sho was busy preparing for sbstrm lounge today. He headed out around 7:15, and then I headed out around 7:30. He called me soon thereafter and asked if I was still in the office. Headed back to the office to get his business cards: both his and his upcoming artists list (or something). He paid for my taxi plus 110 yen bonus and I headed back to Shibuya one stop on Ginza Line.

My total cost for learning Sho's phone number and the location of sbstrm lounge: 50 yen.

great talk with Ami

12:08am JST Thursday 4 December 2008 (day 14134)

First I told Ami I was continuing the conversation from last time (Monday?). Then I kicked off the conversation by saying basically I don't want babies, I don't want to get married, and I want to stop dating Ami exclusively. Three choices: either we break up, or you let me date other people, or you say no and I break up with you.

I could see the tears well up, and I stood firmly in my resolve that this was the right thing to do; I have to have freedom to be happy, etc. And of course if she loves me, she'll set me free.

Ami, somewhat crying, was like, "so basically it's not a choice at all; you've decided to break up, and you're forcing the "choice" on me."

Hmmmm; well.

And she was angry for a bit, but still speaking her truth (major plus-points there), and then she asked an important question: "why do you want to date other people?"

"That's a good question," I said. That's a good question, I thought. Damn. That's a really good question. Cause I like the thrill of the chase? Cause I like to fuck? Cause I am afraid of commitment? Cause because?

"Um, because I think it would be fun."

And then she was like, "Despite your wandering heart, I have stayed with you because I trust you." and she explained several different times in several different ways, but they all ended with "I trust you."

And I started to cry. I realized the truth, which I told her: "I don't trust myself."

Lots of crying. I outdid her crying by a longshot (tears and snot everywhere), though, to be clear, she had been shaking as well.

(all of the above took at least 30 minutes to play out)

Then, or around that point, she was like, "before you broke up with Reiko, you kissed me, right?"

"Right."

"And at the same time you kissed that other girl (I forgot her name), right?"

Yurika. (best not to mention that she's the Yurika I teach every other week) "Right."

"And we've been together for over a year and a half, right?"

"Right."

"And except for one slight peck on the lips to Keiko, is there anything else?"

Nice that we don't have to lie. Steady eyes, "No."

"See? You've *been* doing it! You're in a committed relationship. You are doing it."

More crying. I guess I am, but (just a moment) more crying.

"亜美ち、もう一つがあるんんだけど、あまり話したくない。" (But Ami, there's one more thing I have to tell you, and I don't really want to say it.)

"なんでしょう。" (What is it?), spoken with a voice like, "if you have been lying, so help me, you will die."

I paused to cry more, knowing it would just build up the drama, but unable to do anything else.

"時々、" pause, "時々亜美と英語で話したい。" (Sometimes, sometimes I want to speak English with you.)

Ami looked equal parts relieved and saddened, "I know," she slumped. "I'm sorry. I know."

(more to come?)

8:30pm JST Thursday 4 December 2008 (day 14134)

Now it's the next day. Lemme read this again and see if I'm inspired to write.

So I told her how very much I want to talk with her, and sometimes I just want to slap her (verbally) and say "you wanna go to the US, but you don't wanna study English?" "you're talking about getting a degree as a paralegal, but you won't study English???" but I explained, if I were just her friend I'd be more likely to tell her she's actin' a fool, but as her bf, I don't really wanna say it.

She was like, "because you're my bf, please tell me."

I mockingly slapped her, "study English! You'll never be able to live in the US if you don't."

And then I told her clearly that I hate to study; I hate Japanese; it's horrible and terrible and I know how you feel and you don't have to study, but for your own sake, ifn you want to study, you just gotta study. That's why I've started studying again.

Plus, I just want to talk to you.....

After that bit of the conversation, I went back to the dating idea. "I know why I want to date other women." and went on to explain that during sex, if I can give her (many) orgasms, I feel powerful. I love to make her shudder with blissful waves and uncontrolled ecstacy and blah blah blah cause it makes me feel powerful. So if I can do that with Ami, it's great. If I can do it with Ami and Miyuki and Deborah and Sheri, that's gotta be four times better, right?

But the problem, Ami; that power is not real; it's fleeting; it's dangerous; it's unfair; etc.

So, what to do? Meditate. find the bliss within myself that infinitely outshines the power. Create my own power; live, be, love, me me me.

(I didn't say all this; I'm just kinda rambling)

But then I *did* say, sticking my proverbial neck out, hoping for the best, "sometimes I'd like to play-act like I can do other girls when we have sex."

"Just imagine?"

"yes."

"Okay!"

woot!