Entries this day: ISIS_101.13 ISIS_101.14 Party Tina jax

ISIS 101.13

11:06pm EST Saturday 4 April 2009 (day 14255)

Jax was my connector for my morning ISIS today. She put her fingers on my sternum and I found myself in a past life, on the ground, with a soldier's gun against my chest. So afraid and couldn't show it. One of my buddies cried or something and they shot him dead. Into the cell we were thrown and so angry but couldn't show it. Anyone who acted out of line was shot dead.

Somehow, Jax got me to express my anger.

It was like

RAR!

for several minutes; I have carpet burns on my right knee and opposite elbow. She had her hand on my stomach, "feel it from your belly!" to keep me from just fighting blindly (though I did have my eyes closed). I roared and yelled and bellowed and then a quiet phase of panting and maybe crying, and then get back into roaring after a bit. She kept her hand on my belly basically the whole time, save for when I was like, "I wanna wrestle you" and we wrestled a bit, "just match my belly" she said. I didn't know if I was matching her belly, but I matched her strength so as to not hurt my friend. With eyes closed, I was like kneeled in front of her sitting down, with our outstretched hands each holding the other, then "rar!" right at her, and I think/hope she turned or rolled her head out of the way so I wouldn't blow toxic poison gas (*) onto her, and I dripped tears on her right shoulder, and then wanted to bite her neck viciously, but just clamped my teeth nearby before roaring some more.

During one portion of roaring, I was pounding on pillows and had ripped through a blanket, and I blinked my eyes open and the bright white pillow reminded me of "blinding white rage" or something. I used that to roar more, with snot flying and my vocal chords aching; it was great.

(*) Ami calls my belches "poison gas" in her cute way

ISIS 101.14

11:49pm EST Saturday 4 April 2009 (day 14255)

For the final ISIS of this week, Steven was my connector. He put his fingers just to the right of my sternum and I got into a little bit of a story about anger at my brother and then from my mom while in the womb, and then he was like, "spin back to before you came into your mother," and I found myself "wanting a challenge," of having anger built into my heart so I could burn through it with love, but it's been a pretty difficult challenge (like learning Japanese?) and I'm not sure the point now. He had me "spin back to the previous lifetime," in search of when this anger came in.

He said, "find the reason that you wanted a challenging lifetime" or something, and I flashed on my lifetime in the US during the US Civil War. This was a tragically sad death so I couldn't imagine how it could make me "want a challenge," but I went with it and got some interesting clarity on the death scene.

The first part was leaving my wife to go fight this "stupid war," just to make money for the family. So sad to leave my beautiful wife whom I loved so much, but I did it for the family.

In the war, I was in a battle and got shot in the left gut, perhaps where my birthmark is now. Not a mortal wound by any stretch, but enough to get out of the war and get my pension and be done with it. I went to sleep on the battle field with the intention of waking up after the battle, making my way back to camp, and getting out and done.

Lo, I wake up with a bayonette through my heart, in shock surprise and rage at the "stupid fuck" who killed me for no reason. Can't he see this is a stupid war? Can't he see I was peacefully sleeping? Is he a fuckin' idio...

And I died with that raging anger at him and sadness for my family, and this anger is still chillin' in my heart, and possibly hard to express partially due to being under threat of death for expressing any fear or anger in a previous lifetime.

Got out more anger, ripping the blanket a bit more (Jax says she coulda gotten me way more into my anger) and then floated around in space looking at the stark difference between the anger and love in my heart. Black cold coals versus brilliant sunny love.

Party

10:20pm EST Saturday 4 April 2009 (day 14255)

11:04pm EST Saturday 4 April 2009 (day 14255)

10:20pm is the time I checked my current age in days to tell Vera and Steven after having told them I monitor my age that way.

Just now is when the party has officially finished, and I'm in the penthouse (restroom with flushing toilets) dropping bits and recording some tidbits.

1:18am EST Sunday 5 April 2009 (day 14256)

And now is when I'm writing more. I mostly chatted with Steven and Vera, telling them several stories from PB voyages around the world, and meeting amazing people doing amazing things. I quite enjoyed their attention to my story; I love when people are genuinely interested in what I have to say.

After Steven headed to bed, Vera told me a bit about her style of living, having no desire for any part of "the systems" of marriage, 9-to-5, office work, TV, etc. Mmmm that sounds cool, I'm thinking. Will you marry me?

Tina

11:16pm EST Saturday 4 April 2009 (day 14255)

After chatting with Tina the logistics coordinator, I washed a couple of bowls and serving spoons for her to help clean up. She was like, "oh you don't have to do that," and I was all, "well, I have a crush on you, so..." She didn't react, but just perhaps thanked me for washing the dishes.

jax

12:05am EST Sunday 5 April 2009 (day 14256)

We get an extra hour tonight, so it's like 11pm!

Jax says, "when you're in your anger, you like to go back to crying, and I'm like, 'nooo, feel it from your belly, from your belly!'"

"Can't the belly feel sadness?"

"Yes, but you were using crying as an outlet, as an escape from feeling the anger."

1:02am EST Sunday 5 April 2009 (day 14256)

Great chat with Jax again tonight.

When I told Jax the story about telling Tina I had a crush on her, Jax was all, "I don't think I could ever tell anyone that. If I have a crush on someone, I may put the moves on 'em, but not say it outright."

I had come down from talking to Tina but Jax didn't answer when I poked my head into her room. I figured she had gone to bed. So, I was really happy to find her still awake when I was about to go to my room! (she had gone to take a shower)

12:25am EST Sunday 5 April 2009 (day 14256)

really it's only 12:25 now in Sydney.

I'm going to miss Miss Jacquelen.