Entries this day: Cleaning_room Nippoken.com Tomball_HS a_crush_on_B sabina_email

Cleaning room

12:25am JST Sunday 19 April 2009 (day 14270)

Cleaned my room a bit today; on Tuesday, Ani and I will trade massage for breath work, though I'm not sure what that entails. It's likely that we'll use my room cause it should be quiet during the day.

Nippoken.com

11:38am JST Sunday 19 April 2009 (day 14270)

I bought nippoken.com yesterday (18 April), ostensibly to sell poken, etc. I like the cute Japanese-ish name.

Tomball HS

11:44am JST Sunday 19 April 2009 (day 14270)

Chatted at length yesterday with Miss Carter, my English teacher from 11th grade. She said there was talk of a secession from the US from the right wing due to stuff including a President with African heritage. I was like, "WHAT????"

Told her about jumping my dad's truck on Hardin Store Road.

- - - -

In other news, I chatted on Facebook with a woman named Christina who was like, "how are you???" and I'm thinking, "who are you???" with only the clue that we know the same peeps from Tomball High School, a good clue that I knew her in HS. Thinking thinking thinking oohhhhhh we smooched several times way back in my early dating days. She wrote "WOW My High School Sweetheart!" or something on my FB Wall. That sorta clenched my memory of who she is/was.

a crush on B

so this thought just came to mind... what u doing telling a girl u gotta crush when u have a girlfriend!

2:33pm Rob

yes, I told you I have a crush on you

and Soness said it was inappropriate to say that

and I actually was just now thinking of how to bring it up, so

2:34pm Ani

Soness?

2:34pm Rob

thank you.

Yeah I told her I told you that

2:34pm Ani

im all up for bringing thngs up when i feel it

im as straight down the line as i can be

2:34pm Rob

excellent. :-)

I may have become too Japanese here...

Okay, so

I have a girlfriend, and there's no chance in the world that I'm going to do anything to breach my trust with her.

2:36pm Ani

good for you!

2:36pm Rob

I told you I have a crush because I wanted to be honest about why I was unable to just leave without being all silly.

2:36pm Ani

so... i can understand that and

i can understand that even when u r in a relationship

crushes come along

<snip />

3:22pm Rob

hey wait

I have one important Q

3:22pm Ani

whats that

3:22pm Rob

did you know I had a gf when I said I had a crush on you? If not, I am really really really really really really really sorry

I am sure I told you earlier, so..

3:23pm Ani

no of course i didn't - how would i have known that?

3:23pm Rob

I woulda never said that

fuck

Ani

I am so sorry

the blood just drained out of my head to hear that

I'm so sorry

3:24pm Ani

no problem, i think it would have been a problem if i wanted to pursue that path with you, but i didn't and just thought you were a sweet person

3:24pm Rob

I feel a bit better to know that

but seriously I'm really embarrassed

I would never want to "lead you on" or anything

dammit

okay

I'm breathing.

:-)

3:25pm Ani

as i said - relax no problem my end as i had no other agenda, but you'd be in big trouble if i had another agenda - I'd let u have it!

just jokes - looking forward to catching up

3:26pm Rob

:-)

thank you

I really appreciate your directness

it's a rarity in Japan.

3:27pm Ani

well nothing like being direct if u r like me and wear your heart on your sleeve - can't afford to fluff about

u get hurt too easily

3:27pm Rob

yes

yes

3:27pm Ani

otherwise

3:27pm Rob

And I will be more careful

this is a valuable lesson learned

thank you

(and thank you to my angels for helping it be gentle)

sabina email

I can't remember the password to my blog, so I'm putting this in my journal. No time to muck with password reset crap.

This is part of an email I got from Sabina, who I met when Ami and I went to Houston a couple years ago. Sabina commented on my Japanese, and we've become friends via email.

Anyway, it's actually 12:57 now and I just left the computer on for about six hours while I folded
the laundry and did whatever (daydreaming, again?). So needless to say, I moved the cat some time
ago. I read your other e-mail (poke poke!) and was fascinated by some of the things you said. I
didn't know you believed in reincarnation. I think that's really interesting. Reincarnation has been
the root of much of my thinking lately. My friend believes in reincarnation, you see, but I
don't. After debating the issue a little bit, he recommended I read a book on it, so I looked it up
online and read a little of it. It didn't convince me on reincarnation, but there was something in
it that really made me think. The guy who wrote it (I already forgot his name, and the name of the
book, somewhat unfortunately) claimed that spirits come to the human world to gain greater
enlightenment and boost their spiritual awareness or something like that. But anyway, somewhere in
the book, he said something really specific, like, "the purpose for living is to help the soul on
its path to enlightenment." And all of a sudden, I was struck by that thought of what my purpose in
life is. I had never really thought about it before. I had always brushed the idea off and never
really cared. But now, all of a sudden, it really got to me. But because I so firmly do not believe
in reincarnation, I couldn't accept his purpose in life as my purpose in life. And that got me to
thinking, What, then, *is* my purpose in life? Why do I exist here? Is there a reason? Or would it
make a difference if I just up and killed myself? I would never kill myself, just so you know. But I
began to think about how insignificant I am, in the cosmic sceme of things. My life is just a blink
of an eye, compared to that of the sun, or the galaxy, or the universe. And I began to wonder if
there really is a purpose in life. Since, after all, who would give me a purpose in life? I don't
believe in a god. Or any metaphysical beings, for that matter, although for a time some friends of
mine had managed to convince me of the existence of angels. But I found the thought of angels to be
disturbing, so I decided not to believe in them and convinced myself that they don't exist. And
lately I've wondered if my existence was preordained, predicted billions of years ago. There is an
equation, Schrodinger's Equation, which supposedly, can use the position, quatum state, etc. of
every single particle in the universe to determine where every single particle in the universe will
be at any point in the future. But what a weird thought. What if my existence is just a result of
the way a couple of neutrinos interacted a billion years ago. Is that what made me the type of
person who smashes flies against the window and then just leaves the corpses stuck there? Is that
why I like to rub my feet on the wall? All my personality quirks are just a result of some particle
interactions? I'm nothing more than the byproduct of some protons bumping together? But at the same
time, 14 billion years' worth of particle interactions and the result is this nonsensical,
incongruous thing we call society? For some reason, lately, I've had this feeling that society is
just weird. I don't have another way of describing it. But I'll just be sitting in class, watching
the interactions of the people around me, and the whole thing will just strike me as incredibly
*weird*. And that really is the best word for how it all seems to me. Just WEIRD. I look at the sky
and I see stars and I see images of galaxies and supernovae and other planets and then I look around
me and there are all these people. How is there so much beauty in the heavens and yet so much
ignorance, hatred, and corruption here on Earth? People just seem so starkly strange when compared
with the rest of the universe that I can't help but be startled by the world I'm living in and the
way I am living in it. I often wonder why I bother to run this rat race. GPA, SAT, AP, FAFSA,
etc. Why? But at the same time, I don't feel that I couldn't. In a way, I enjoy it. I frequently
refer to my Biology class as the center of my universe. So I'm not sure if I'm going about my life
all wrong, but for now, I'm going to continue on the path that I am on. Complete with AP tests,
college admissions and enough stress to make me worry that I'm going to die from a heart attack by
the age of 25. Which, of course, only makes me more stressed.
 
 
On a lighter note, I just noticed that you use i.e. and e.g. correctly. Which I think is really
cool, because I don't use them correctly and have only recently been noticing whether people use
them correctly. And you're probably the first person I've actually seen use enough of them for me to
remember to notice whether they're used correctly or not. Because I can't remember noticing anyone
else using them correctly or incorrectly, although I know I've thought about the matter a number of
times. I only just learned what the correct way to use them is in my English class. Maybe two weeks
ago. But I still don't use them correctly. I never use e.g. I just always use i.e. For some reason,
I just don't like e.g. I think it's the consonant. G. I've never been a big fan of that
letter. There's something about it that I don't like. I like i.e. Both letters are vowels, and they
go together. They both have that light, airy vowelness, kind of a white-light green feeling. I think
I associate both letters with femininity. But e becomes more nongendered, I think, when next to a g,
which I think of as kind of ugly and masculine. Not to say that all masculine things are ugly. But
that particular g is. And I kind of associate e.g with darker greens. I'm not actually synesthetic,
in case you're wondering. But I've been reading about synesthesia lately, and it's made me realize
just how much I blend senses without realizing it and I've made an effort to be more aware of how I
do it.