Entries this day: holy-shit-what-a-morning

holy shit what a morning

09:13 Tuesday 06 June 2017 JST

Lin cooked lovely breakfast for me, by cooking an egg into some already-made vegetable soup.

The soup was too hot to eat immediately (because it had just been boiling), and it reminded me of all the times she has reheated food to scalding temperature.

From my point of view, the food is already cooked; there is no reason to reheat it at all, much less beyond the point that it can be eaten. I see it as a waste of time and energy heating it up just so it can cool down.

I have mentioned this before, and it is a point of contention for us.

From her point of view, I do not appreciate what she does to prepare food for me. From my point of view, she can do less and I would actually be happier.

This morning I said, "I don't understand why you make the food too hot to eat." She got kinda mad but explained she had to cook the egg within the soup.

I said "Oh, thank you. I did not realize that you had to cook the egg."

For me, that would by the end of the conversation, but she told me how I always get upset that she cooks, but that I do not realize that there is an egg in the soup (this time).

"I understand that you cooked an egg in it this time. Thank you. I did not realize that before, but I realize it now. Thank you."

She said something again about me not understanding.

Oh goddammit I am pretty sure I understand. (I did not say that, but I thought something like that.) "I only said it because I thought you just reheated it."

"This time I cooked an egg in the soup!"

NO FUCKING SHIT MOTHER FUCKER JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I GOT THAT. (I did not say that.)

"Yes, but sometimes you do just reheat, so I said something"

「もういい、ロブちゃん」and she left.

There were two packages of peanut sembe on the table. I crushed both of them to powder, one in each hand. I was surprised how easily they crumbled. Fucking poison non-food. why does she keep buying fucking garbage to eat? I yelled with rage into the room, away from mama's room because she was home, but fuckit I am not holding this in anymore. Collapsed onto the ground and yelled cryingly into the floor. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Mama came in and asked what was up, then left when I said it was nothing. 「なんでもない」

I remained on the floor a bit longer until the perfect time balance between getting it all out and cleaning up, having enough time to explain to her mom, and explain to Lin before I had to leave to meet Caroline.

I cleaned up the crushed peanut crackers, dumping them into the trash. I put the soup Lin made into tupperware (along with more from the pan) to have for my lunch. I put that into a plastic bag so it won't leak and then put the bag on the stairs so I wouldn't forget it.

Mama was praying at her alter when I told her that it was nothing to do with her, nor with Lin. She guessed it was because I was sick and she felt better.

I went up to see Lin who was meditating on her meditation pillow. I sat next to her for a moment and said something like "thank you for all the work you do to prepare healthy food for me. I hope you can understand that my anger is really nothing about you, but is related to past life stuff. I have remembered two past lives that ..." (here I was not sure how to finish the sentence.) " that are related to not listening. One time my friend died because he did not listen to me, and one time I died because I did not listen to my family.. Thank you for being so brave to be with me this lifetime while I deal with this issue."

"Sometimes I think I am not the right person for you."

"You are the perfect person for me. Within a month of meeting you I wrote in my diary that you are the one. And I am staying with you. You perfectly allow me to look at this problem." etc blah blah for a minute, including legit crying. How the fuck can she be so loving to stay with me despite my being horrible?

"I think you have a problem with anger."

oh my jesus christ bitch have you not been listening to me? (I did not say that.) "Yes. I get that. I just said that. I have been looking at this issue and will continue to look at it. It is related to probably 500 past lives. Thank you for offering me the chance to look at it this lifetime. I plan to ask Caroline the best way to deal with it, and I will absolutely do it if she has an answer."

Lin hugged me for a bit, and then bade me well on my way to meet her.

Put my computer into my bag, along with rain gear, and headed out.

On the way walking, I realized I forgot to take Lin's soup for my lunch.

fuck

Then I realized I had forgotten to bring my folder of shit for Tokyo Men's Circle tonight

fuck

Got to the station on time and got on the train. Got a seat which is nice so I could do a bit of prep work before meeting CB today.

Train arrived and left on the platform opposite me. I missed my fucking train.

Thank fucking angels for the little details; I had planned to arrive early. I will arrive 2 minutes ahead of schedule assuming I get off at the correct station, which is in two stations from now. And I got to write all this to air my dirty laundry in my online journal. Hopefully it benefits someone somehow.

11:17 Friday 09 June 2017 JST

Okay, it has been some days since this happened. The session was Caroline helped resolve the issue in a huge way. I have (for the past N+1 years) said I get pissed off when I think people don't listen to me. This drives my behavior to not speak up, etc.

Caroline helped me notice there is something deeper. In The Case of The Hot Soup, she helped me note that there was fear lurking under the anger. Fear that I won't catch the train to make it to my appointment on time. But even deeper, sadness lurking under the anger. Why didn't I feel this cared for when I was little??