Entries this day: i-am-the-worst

i am the worst

NSFW:

I am the worst kind of person right now. Today Lin promised to spend time having sex with me this afternoon and then got caught up with work. When I asked her when she would have time she was like *blah blah blah* litany of things she has to do, i.e. her normal "I'm too busy" response, which I hear as "I don't want to spend time with you."

Then she got on the phone with her friend and it seemed to go on for some 15 minutes before I thought "why the fuck does she have time to chat on the phone?" I felt angry and went for a walk, so mad and mad at myself because I want attention. I came back and she offered truce, asking if I was upset, using our word "moe joe."

She: "Boof?"

Me: "Boof."

Are you "moe joe?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Well, I just remembered while I was walking that you made a promise to have sex and then got busy with work." I should have included that Lin was talking to her friend on the phone when I left the house to cool off.

"I am sorry I made a promise, I didn't know this would come up and what am I supposed to do?" (*)

"Do your work, that is what you are choosing to do."

"You are saying that as if I have a choice," she said.

"Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. You are making a choice to work" and I feel angry.

Then she said something like "well now I can't work because you are angry"

"I don't want to fight about it now if you have to work."

She started to imply she wanted to come solve the anger by not working on her work. This pisses me off more because why the fuck would she want to waste time arguing about who is right while she allegedly has to work? I raised my voice and was like, "no, either have a fight (arguement), do your work, or have sex," which do you want?

She died a little on the inside and said "okay" and went back to her work.

I hate myself right now.

• - -

(*)

In an alternate universe, Lin hears my anger

me: "Well, I just remembered while I was walking that you made a promise to have sex and then got busy with work." I should have included that Lin was talking to her friend on the phone when I left the house to cool off.

And Lin replies, "yeah, I can understand that is really confusing and frustrating for you. I am sorry this work came up, and I thank you for letting me know you feel angry. Can I offer you a hug for now and we can sort it out later?"